With A Thankful Heart.

I just realized that I never posted an update on Star. I have good news! Her blood work came back and the cancer has not spread to her system at all. So she has a small tumor by her tail, but she is a lot better off than the veterinarian originally made it sound. We are so thankful!

They decided to do the surgery to remove the tumor so they can test it further and make her as comfortable as possible as she lives out the rest of her life at home. She is doing amazing and is still as full of life and feisty as ever! Her surgery is going to cost a lot and they want it paid for before they will do it so we're all pinching our pennies and determined to make it happen.

Thank you for your prayers! They were delivered, heard, and answered.

I love you all.

Take Two.

I decided it is time for another exciting round of Verbal Sunshine! I've been in a little bit of a funk lately, and I think this might be just the thing I need to cheer me up. Remember, if you don't make this list keep checking back! I am intentionally saving some very loved people for future posts.

• Scott W.: You have been like a second dad to me for as long as I can remember. I will always remember our many barbecues and yard sales and smile. We have had some great times and you are always there for me when I need you!
• Brian C.: You are the nut of our family. For as crazy as you make me, you have the most incredible ability to make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in. You always say it like it is and I appreciate how real you are with everyone around you.
• Danielle W.: You have been through more in your life than any woman should, yet you are so strong and positive. I look up to you for that. Your blog is also gorgeous and you have pretty amazing taste in purses.
• Sam B.: I have one word to describe you: hilarious. Some of the things you say while we are spending time together catch me so off guard and I find myself laughing about them for weeks to come (Brokeback Mountain...haha!) You are pretty much awesome.
• Kim K.: You are one of the most talented women I know. I love reading your writing, but even more I love hearing your stories and seeing how much you love being a mom. Your family is stunning and you are one amazing person!
• Nola L.: I had such a blast the other night at your house. You are so sweet and your little girl is such a doll. I have always thought you are so beautiful and I remember being fresh out of high school and sitting behind you in church and being jealous of your skin and hair.

That's all for now! If you weren't mentioned this week, please keep checking back!

I'm Not Doubting. Just Wondering.

Okay, maybe I'm doubting a little bit. It is confession time. Lately I have been thinking about if I'll ever even have children at all. It seems like everyone around me is having babies. Every time I get online, I see new announcements. "I painted the nursery today!" "My husband felt her kick!" "Soandso was born this morning weighing suchandsuch and is thisandthat inches long!"

Every time I see something like that, I am overwhelmed with joy for the new parents. I can honestly say that from the bottom of my heart. But I would be full of it if I didn't say I felt a little tug at my heart. I (unlike a lot of women I talk to) am able to separate their baby from my lack of a baby. I don't want pregnant women feeling awkward because they are and I am not. I love, love, love babies. All babies. I love pregnancy. I just want to join the club. There is nothing wrong with that, right?

But part of me is starting to think that day isn't coming. Why is it taking so long? We're now over a year into "trying." I should be 21 weeks pregnant but...well...we all know how that turned out. So, assuming I get pregnant again soon, I still have to make it through 40 weeks of what I can only assume will be terrifying bliss. That brings us to February of next year (if I'm pregnant now, which I'm not.) Yet, I'm surrounded by brand-newlyweds, unweds, and people not even trying (who do not want children and make it known) with perfect pregnancies. How does God pick who He sends these children to? What makes that random lady across town with 14 kids that she doesn't want, no insurance, no home, no car, and a mean drug addiction a better candidate than I am? She gets pregnant with yet another baby that she doesn't want, while I'm stuck here sacrificing my sanity, my money, my time, and my health for a phantom child that I may or may not meet one day?

This isn't about the random lucky pregnant people. This is about me. I think about my future child every single day. Today, my vision was more than a little blurred. I have been so optimistic for so long, and I can feel it fading. It is sad when I expect to see a negative instead of a positive. 8, 9, or 10 months ago I was so sure I was pregnant every single month (even when I wasn't.) I miss that fresh drive and excitement.

Alright, vent over. Thanks for putting up with my mood swings.

*I feel the need to add that I realize a little over a year of trying is nothing compared to what some of you have gone through. You are stronger than I am and I admire you.*

Birthdays: God's Way Of Telling Us To Eat More Cake.

I love birthdays. Ask anyone that knows me. It isn't just my birthday, I love all birthdays. I can think of so many times that I have found out it was a person's birthday and all of a sudden it doesn't matter if the other 364 days a year we don't get along or if it is my best friend in the world- I want to make their day wonderful. I get all emotional and think about how happy their mom and dad were on that day when they were born...I imagine them as a brand new baby...then I get thinking about all of their birthday parties when they were little...the cakes...the party hats...the screaming little kids...Gah. I love it.

I even get excited thinking about my dog's birthdays. Sheesh, this is an embarrassing post! I had a birthday party for Paisley when she turned one. I went all out...birthday cake, treat bags, presents, the whole shabang. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I have been this way since I was a little kid. I can't help it.

Did I mention I love birthdays?!

Today I am officially half way to fifty. My mom made me "Thanksgiving" and red velvet cupcakes for my birthday dinner yesterday (we celebrated early so Chris can take me out tonight.) It was amazing, as always. It was great to just spend time with my family, relax, laugh, and gear up for this next year of life.

Bring it on, 25!



Life Is Yours To Miss.

I just woke up from the most horrible dream. Chris was driving home and I was in the passenger seat. For some reason, we decided we needed to turn around and he tried to pull a u-turn on the busy highway by our house. He didn't quite make it, and the car slid off a cliff. Now, most people would wake up at this point, gasping for air and calming down after realizing they were home safe in their bed. Not me. My dream kept going. Our car flew through the air, smashing into rocks, rolling down the mountainside. Branches were busting through the windows and slicing up our arms and legs. I can still feel the nausea from being lifted up and down with every turn- gravity getting the best of me with only my seat belt to keep me in place. I looked down through my tears and realized our car was about to land upside down in a huge lake. Nobody would be able to see us from the highway. I looked over at Chris and he was staring at me. I said "I love you so much." and he said it back...then we hit the water.

I feel weird saying this, but instead of waking up from this dream upset, I feel encouraged. I died last night. The love of my life died too. Then I woke up and we were both alive, together in our bedroom. Sort of like a second chance. I have always been a firm believer in forgiveness. I refuse to hold grudges because life is so fragile. I will ask myself multiple times a week "If that person died in an hour, would I be okay with how our last conversation ended?" I'm not saying I don't have disagreements with people. I'm just saying I consciously force myself to love beyond the disagreements.

However, I have a lot of room to improve. I woke up thinking of the movie "PS, I Love You." If you haven't seen it, watch it. There is one part that no matter how many times I watch the dang show, I burst into tears. Holly wakes up in bed alone after Gerry has died. She is still groggy, and starts telling him that it is his turn to shut off the light. Then she realizes he isn't there. She hears music coming from the living room and gets out of bed with a huge smile on her face. She walks out and her Gerry is sitting there, singing and playing the guitar. She walks up behind him, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and tells him that she can't fall asleep alone. He says "I'm right here." Then she tells him she had a terrible dream and he says not to tell him about it. Ugh...it is getting me choked up just writing about it. (If you haven't seen it, click here.)

Confession time. Before Chris took me to see that movie in 2007, I would literally get jealous of his guitar. He spent so much time playing it and I felt like it was taking away from time he could be spending with me. I vividly remember sitting in the theater and realizing that if he was gone, I would kill to be able to hear him play again. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could I be so selfish? How many moments had I wasted that should have been such precious memories? We walked out to his car that night, and I told him I would never tell him to put down his guitar again. Now, listening to him play makes me so happy, I feel like my heart could explode.

So where am I going with this? Holly woke up from her dream, and her husband was still dead. I woke up from my dream, and my husband was in bed with me. I don't want to waste what time I have with the people I love by dwelling in things that can't be changed about my life. It is too short. I want to capture as many memories as I can with everybody I love so that if one day I realize that their tomorrow isn't coming, I will have no regrets.

That being said, if my tomorrow doesn't come, I don't want people thinking "Oh, how tragic. The end of her life was so sad." I will continue to be honest because pain is real and it is valid, but for myself I need to focus on the joy of today. I'm surrounded by so much beauty and miracles are happening all around me. It is time to bask in that for a while.

I'll love him 'til the end...

Verbal Sunshine.

It is the one and only word that I actually remember the first time I heard it. I was in second grade and my teacher, Mrs. Yei, wrote it on our chalk board in giant letters...

COMPLIMENT

Why does that stick out in my mind? I have no idea. I just know I have no recollection at all of learning any other word I know. I was so excited when I got home from school that day. I explained to my family that you could tell somebody something that will make them feel proud to be who they are and that was called a compliment. I specifically remember explaining (in all of my 7 year old glory) that it was a very nice thing to do and everyone needed to start giving more compliments. It was like a light bulb went off and I had no idea why people were not doing this every single time they talked to someone.

Tonight, I'm allowing my blog to be inspired by my second grade self. It is time to send out some random compliments (in no particular order.) I decided I will do this regularly, so if you don't make this list, please check back! I have to save some people for later, you know. 

• Chris: You are honestly the most hilarious person I've ever met. You have the ability to make me laugh no matter what kind of mood I'm in and that is not an easy thing to do. Also, you're pretty easy on the eyes. You are my perfect match and I don't think I'll ever stop wondering what I did to deserve you.
• Mama: You are so amazingly strong. You have been through more than any mother should ever have to deal with, and you have handled it all with such grace. You have also accomplished so much over the last 2 years despite it all. I don't know how you do it!
• Brittni G.: You're my homie! I think you are such a great mom to Cooper and I love watching you interact with him. He is amazing and I love being able to watch him grow up. You are also such an awesome friend to me and you're always there when I need you. BFF! Yep, I just said BFF. Haha!
• Victoria B-S.: Watching you evolve over the last 5 years has been incredible. You are so gorgeous, courageous, and fun. I love talking with you and re-living my teenage years through your stories. I can't wait to see what's to come.
• Peggy C.: You fit in so perfect with our family. I know I have told you before, but I'll say it again: I'm so happy my dad found you! You are so wonderful in every way. You are strong-willed and I admire how you fight for what you believe in.
• Jentry L.: You are one of a few dear friends that I know I will have for life. You have a way of "chilling me out" that a lot of people don't have. You are one of the best dressers I have ever met and I know that whenever you are around, it will be a good time!
• Alissa D.: You know I think you are one of the strongest women ever and I am eternally thankful for the love and compassion you show my brother. I love how from the beginning you were comfortable spending time with all of us and you took us as a package deal. 
• Coco T.: I know you hear all the time how beautiful you are, but I want you to know that you are just as gorgeous on the inside. You have such a fun and sweet personality and I really wish we lived closer to each other so we could spend more time together.
• Yvonne F.: Talk about making me smile! My mom and I have discussed for years the ability you have to light up a room. Your love and passion for God and for people just radiates from you. You are incredible.

I decided I will try to do this at least once a month. Keep an eye out, I want to make you smile next. I left some very important people out on purpose so I will have something to write about then. I love you all.

Really?! Anything else?

*It's a b%#ch-fest. You've been warned.*

I am trying so hard to stay optimistic. To stay positive. To set an example. I know I have people reading this that are looking for guidance and proof that life does go on. Things get better. I get that. The truth is, I honestly believe with everything in me that what I stand for is reality. Life sucks, then it gets better, then it sucks again. The last year and a half, my family's life has sucked a lot. We have had more handed to us than a lot of people realize and honestly I don't know how we survived it. Losing my baby was just the tip of an ugly, monstrous iceberg.

Yet, we remain together and that keeps us strong. We each have our support, the one we know we can lean on and cry to. I spend a lot of my time crying to God. Life is so unfair, and I don't understand why we have been put through the things we have. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand. I just trust with all of my heart that our hurt and our suffering has not been in vain. He has a purpose for every tear we have cried and I refuse to let myself forget that.

But at some point, shouldn't things start looking up? It seems like lately I've been living my life waiting for the walls to come crashing down again. What is the point in rebuilding? I felt like things were okay today. I have felt pretty good all week, actually. Then, this morning Chris comes in our room to tell me that my dog, Star, has cancer. The dog that my mom told me we would never get, only to come walking in with her as a fluffy puppy to surprise me for my 13th birthday. The dog that spent every night from that moment until I moved out snuggling in bed with me. The dog now cries and runs to the door whenever she hears "Sissy is coming over!" because she knows that means I'll be there soon.

I remember thinking when I was younger about how destroyed I was going to be when this time came. I never wanted to say goodbye to my dog. But then I would reassure myself that I would be "old" by the time Star died. I would be at least 25! It would be so much easier because I would be older and more mature. Well, here I am, 6 days away from my 25th birthday. My family has been through hell already. I just lost my baby (and that isn't even the hell I'm talking about.) I guess this isn't the "perfect time" I imagined it being when I was 13.

We took her in for blood work yesterday and we should get the results this morning. She is still eating well and is very playful. If is was not for the giant lump under her skin, I would not even think she was sick. We are all hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. She is too old for chemotherapy. There is a possibility of surgery, but they worry about putting older dogs under anesthesia because sometimes they don't wake back up. My prayer is that it has not spread far and she can continue to live out her life. She does not seem like she is in pain and there is still so much life left in her. I hate the waiting game.

So, that's where we are now. On the inside I'm sad and I'm stressed and I am ready for things to start looking up again. I make a point every day to focus on everything I'm thankful for and the little things that make me happy.

                                                                      Like this girl...

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"You were only given this life because you're strong enough to live it."

I guess that is quite the compliment, huh?



Some Persue Happiness-Others Create It.

God. My husband. My family. Laying in bed with the window open in the middle of a thunder storm. Freshly painted nails. Looking at diamonds. Frozen hot chocolate. Imagining my future children. Playing with my pug. Leaving the dentist with clean teeth knowing I don't have to go back for 6 more months. Finding a great pair of jeans. Clean sheets. Not having to do the dishes. When Chris likes the food I cook. Glee. Cadbury mini chocolate eggs. Having someone else wash my hair. Looking at the stars. Hiking by myself. Crawling in bed without setting an alarm. Babies. Mountain Dew. Running. Smashbox makeup. Minty chapstick. Green grass against a bright blue sky with puffy white clouds. Summer night walks with my husband and our dog. Feeling appreciated. Getting my cleaning done for the week. Getting a pedicure with my mom. Getting the monthly bills in the mail. Saving worms from the roadway after a heavy rain. Watching videos of parrots talking and singing. Red velvet cake. Flip flops. Hanging out at my dad's house. Walking around the mall holding hands with Chris. Singing in my car. Singing in the shower. Singing. Painting. Having dinner with my in-laws. Quiet evenings at home with nowhere to go. Movie theater popcorn. Sunsets. Sunrises. Weddings. Finding a book I can't put down. The smell of a new puppy. Saving money. When Chris is still in bed when I get home from work in the morning. Writing. Knowing I've made a difference, even if it is to just one person. Snuggling with a new baby. Feeling accomplished. Compliments. Listening to birds chirping on drive home to wake everyone else up as I'm getting ready for bed. The way my pug responds to the word "dinner." My amazing friends. Arby's chicken salad sandwiches. Spending time with  my brothers. Laughing so hard with Chris that we both cry. Reading encouraging blogs. Perfume. Being a "regular" at different places. Loving and being loved in return. Roses. Being surprised by Chris. My journal of sweet text messages sent to me over the last 5 years. Llamas.

This is my sloppy, unedited, unorganized list of things that make me smile. Add "Typing this list" to the bottom of my list. Also, I decided my blog needed a little brightening up.

     
Have a beautiful and inspired day.

Sensation: The Great Art To Life.

I love my Mamma!

Well, as you all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. Chris and I spent some wonderful time with both of our families over the weekend (mine on Saturday, his on Sunday.) I was especially thankful for my mom this year. Having been pregnant, and I have a whole new appreciation for what she went through to have children. I also look at the bond I have with her in a new light. I think about how madly in love I fell with my baby in just 13 weeks...how much stronger is her love for me after 25 years? My mom found out she was pregnant with me exactly 30 days after miscarrying her first baby at 13 weeks. I can't help but think about what a miracle it will be when I get pregnant again, how elated Chris and I will be, how precious and how wanted that new baby will be...I was that miracle to my mom and dad. I was the one my mom wanted and needed so badly after losing her first baby. I miss our baby so bad, but I am anxious to meet the baby (or babies) that we are supposed to bring home.

I won't pretend like yesterday was not a difficult day for me. I cried. A lot. I had so many waves of emotions that I just was not prepared for (especially after coming home to flowers and a Mother's Day card from Chris that morning. He is amazing.) I decided to let myself feel what I needed to, it is part of life and part of my healing. I was thankful for the people who acknowledged me, but not hurt by those who didn't. I know it is a confusing and awkward situation. That is why I chose to spend the weekend making sure the mothers in my life felt loved and special. This was their day to celebrate, and my day to remember in my heart. My time to celebrate will come...

My Last First Kiss.

Today is Chris' and my second wedding anniversary. It is only 2:50 in the morning, and I already can't stop smiling. We have been through more in the last two years than a lot of couples go through in an entire lifetime together and there is still honestly no other person I would rather go home to. We love with a love that is more than love, and we do it daily. Hourly. Secondly.

What I would like to know is how I found the one person on this planet that will sit and smile as I watch hours of videos of parrots talking and singing online. That will pretend to laugh along with me when I start laughing so hard at the parrots that I cry, so I don't feel dumb. That works so hard and is incredible at his job, yet is always striving to be better for our family. That will get out of bed in his pajamas when I get home from work in the morning and go downstairs to get me Tylenol and a Mountain Dew even though I'm wide awake and he should still be sleeping when I realize I forgot to grab it before coming upstairs. That will let me get up in the middle of the night and leave the room in a huff over something stupid, then hug me in his sleep when I come back to bed no matter how upset he was before. That will tell me how beautiful I am through weight-loss or gain, dark hair or light, sweatpants or a wedding dress, and mean it. That listens (half asleep) to the annoying ideas and stories I come home with in the morning after a long night of work. That doesn't seem to mind that most of the time I'm home, I'm singing...loud. That makes me hold his hand in public even when I pretend I don't want to because he knows I really do. That still gives me butterflies in my stomach, even after five years. That loves me with the most honest, deep, true, and unconditional love I have ever felt.

My Love, I can't wait to annoy you for the rest of my life. Happy Anniversary! XOXO

P.S. He also is amazing because he says nice things like this. Again, I'm blessed.

Okay, God. I Hear You.

So, long story short, my darling husband was making me a little crazy earlier. We're married, it happens. So I got out of bed (which is my go-to move when I'm upset) and started surfing around. What else would I stumble on than this incredible blog? Read through it, hear his story, I dare you. Talk about putting things into perspective.

It is too easy to be awful to those closest to you, especially when there is deep hurt involved (no matter where that hurt came from.) I'm headed back to bed now.

We Love With A Love That Is More Than Love.

How blessed am I to have a man that God created specifically to hold me and comfort me and love me at this time in my life? Nobody could have done it better...I pray that I can give him all he needs in return.

Chris, I will thank God for you until I die...then I will thank Him again in person. I love you with a love that is more than love.