Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Missing In Action.

So much to write about. So little time!

Actually...I have plenty of time. We'll just call it so little motivation. This will be a blanket update and when I upload my new pictures I'll do a full post on Park City and Eden's day as well as a post on the wonderful gift I received from my lovely friend Brittni. I should also do a more detailed update on Nolan...sheesh, I'm behind.

Well, here is my best blanket:

Park City was healing and beautiful and relaxing and I have a bunch of pictures that I can't wait to post. I survived October 7 without shedding a tear (writing my last blog entry was a whole different story.) I have the best husband and partner in crime that anyone could ever ask for. So that's that for now.

I'm a day shy of 25 weeks pregnant with my little man and I'm so in love. Chris felt his first really hard kick on October 15 and I'll never forget it. He has felt little wiggles here and there, but I've always secretly questioned if he was really feeling Nolan or if he was just telling me he was to make me happy. Around the 11 or 12, I felt my first really hard kick that made my belly bounce and my hand jump. I knew that once Chris felt that, there would be no questioning. But, of course, Nolan was a stinker and stopped kicking every single time I told Chris to feel for him.

On the 15, we had a Halloween party with  my family. We spent the evening on a ghost tour of our city then went back to my dad's house for chili, junk food, and a scary movie. Chris and I were on the couch and everyone was lost in the creepy disgustingness of the show when baby boy started going nuts (sugar rush!) I grabbed Chris by the hand and just moved it to rest on my belly while we finished watching the movie. All of a sudden BAM!!! Nolan made a soccer ball out of daddy's hand and kicked it harder than I have ever felt him kick. Chris screamed "Oh my gosh!" and pulled his hand away in surprise and (he won't admit this) a tiny bit of fear. No doubt he felt it that time. He's been a little squeemish to touch my stomach ever since that night. Haha!

I had a panic moment realizing I'm down to around 15 weeks and this kid will be here. My dad and Peggy are amazing and gave us money to purchase a stroller and car seat. After about a million trips to the store, I decided on this set:

I still can't believe that I'll have a baby to put in them in just a few months! I'm so ready for him to be here. Chris' dad and mom graciously offered to buy us a crib, so I just ordered that tonight! We decided on this one:

I've gone back and forth on nursery decor and I really think I'm to the point where I'm just going to go with colors and decorate with whatever I like instead of having a specific theme. I know I want chocolate brown, orange, and ivory...possibly some teal...I'm so indecisive. We have this painting in our house:

I keep coming back to it whenever I think of Nolan's room. Chris is an amazing guitar player and music played a huge role in he and I even dating in the first place. I like to think Nolan will have some sort of appreciation for what Chris and I love so much. Even if he doesn't, it is still a cute nursery idea, right? I'm really considering just working around this painting and not worrying about a "bird" or "music" or "owl" or "whatever" theme. When he gets old enough, he can decide what he wants his room to look like. For now, I just want it to be a fun and relaxing place for us to get to know each other.

I can't wait to actually meet him...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Dancing With Angels.

Dear Eden,

Tomorrow should have been your birthday. I didn't know what I wanted to do for you, but I knew I wanted something that I could look back on to remember how I felt at exactly this moment. God decided (and I'm sure you helped) that Daddy and I needed your birthday off work so we could celebrate you. We are leaving tonight to Park City to stay in a beautiful hotel and enjoy our time together without any interruptions. Daddy is excited about the calamari at the restaurant that is downstairs in the hotel...I'm excited about what is supposed to be the most comfortable hotel bed in Utah. We're both excited for the mini-roadtrip (we're taking the long way), the change in scenery, and the gummy worms your little brother is demanding for the drive.

We had an ultrasound and got to see Nolan yesterday. I know that you see how big he is getting. It is so much fun to watch him wiggle around and to see how much he grows from visit to visit. We got a good look at his little face for the first time and Daddy thinks he has my nose. I wonder who you would have looked like. I picture you as a little girl version of Daddy with his nose and mouth, but my curly platinum blond hair. I can't help but think of you and what your ultrasounds would look like right now every time we walk in the doors of the Women's Center to see your little brother. I know you and God are working together to keep him safe and growing big and strong for us...he has a beautiful angel watching after him and I'll make sure he knows that when he is big enough to understand.

I think about earlier this year and how much I couldn't wait for tomorrow to be here. I felt like time was going by so slow and October 7th was a lifetime away. After we lost you, it seemed like all I did was blink and your due date was here. I wanted to be pregnant again by the time it came and although I can't wait to meet Nolan, it doesn't make me miss you any less. I wish you were still here. You were my first unexpected burst of tears after the positive pregnancy test that your Daddy and I had been waiting almost a year for, the first hug as I ran into his office and held up the test with shaking hands and let him know that you were growing in my belly, my first experience sitting in a doctor's office and hearing a heartbeat that was not my own coming from inside of my body, my first prayer for a child that I tried with everything in me to keep safe but in the end could not...

Nolan will come home and live in our house and I will get to hold him and snuggle him just like I spent 13 weeks dreaming of doing with you, but you will always be my first experience of love felt from a mother to her baby. You taught me to appreciate every bit of my new pregnancy and to never take a second of my time with your little brother for granted. I feel at peace knowing that you are spending what would have been your birthday up in Heaven and you are more taken care of than you ever could have been down here. When you left us, you were so tiny and frail but now you are perfect and strong and I'm sure your blond curls are blowing all over the place as you dance around up there.

So many people are thinking of you and loving you this week, little girl. Tomorrow will be spent in the mountains without phones or computers. It will just be Nolan, Daddy, and Mommy together in the middle of nowhere remembering you and celebrating what is to come. I'm sorry for writing this letter a day early but tomorrow needs to just be understand. I love you and I will never stop missing you or thinking of you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet baby...XOXO

Sunday, October 2, 2011


Nolan has become quite active lately. What amazes me is he has also become very interactive. The other night I was laying on my side in bed and Chris asked me if baby boy was moving. I told him that he was and rolled over on my back so he could try to feel. He hadn't been able to before so I was only half paying attention and sort of directing his hand to where I felt the kicks. To my shock, Nolan followed his hand! He kicked him pretty hard on the left side of my belly (where I always feel him) and Chris moved his hand more to the center and Nolan kicked him again (where I've never felt him.) It was like they were playing and I had the most precious seat in the house.

The next night I was laying in bed trying to take a nap before work and baby boy starting wiggling around like crazy. I spent almost two hours laying in different positions, feeling him follow my hands around my belly with his kicks, and cracking up as he responded to different things like when I took a deep breath or laughed. I looked at my clock and couldn't believe how much time had passed but it was so amazing and so entertaining that I couldn't stop. Finally, Nolan went to sleep so I did too.

My favorite part of the week is that he is now responding to music. Well, two songs. Yesterday, while I was on my way home from work, some old slow song (that for the life of me I can't remember the name of) came on and all of a sudden he was dancing away until the song stopped. I didn't feel him again until later that night when I was on my way to the grocery store and "Hey Baby" by No Doubt came on. All of a sudden, it was another dance party in my belly until that song ended. I think that is absolutely hilarious and incredible...although Chris and I are a little bit concerned about his taste in music.

I am thankful I have this little boy to play with and love on as we come up on October 7. I still can't believe it is almost here. Nolan makes it a little bit easier, but my heart is still broken. I just need to get through this week...(as I typed that, baby boy gave me a strong kick and a little wiggle...he's here for me and so is his Daddy...I'm blessed.)