Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Things Aren't Perfect. Look Beyond The Imperfections.

Today? I feel good. I feel optimistic. I feel peaceful.

I have a place in my heart that really hurts when I think of certain things. Like Monday; we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary at our doctor's office by finding out the gender of our baby. Or yesterday when I flipped the rest of the flowers that we'd received the week of my surgery so they could dry. I got an e-mail this morning telling me what to expect now that I am "17 weeks pregnant." I should be feeling my baby kicking and moving away in there. I have so many friends that are due around the same time I should have been. While I'm so happy and honestly can't wait to meet those little ones, the milestones they are hitting serve as a constant and pretty difficult reminder. I wish I could see their growing bellies and their darling ultrasound pictures of their amazing babies with perfect little noses and lips without wondering what our baby would look like right now and comparing everything they have with everything I don't.

Wow. That didn't make me sound very optimistic and peaceful, now did it?

Onto the good part. I thought long and hard about how much I wanted to share on this blog. I have a lot of family and friends that read this that know just how private of a person I am. What is happening to me physically is my business and nobody else needs to hear about it. However, there are people around the world (some that I know, most that I don't) that are looking to this blog for comfort. They are going through what I have gone through and want to know what happens next. Where do we all go from here? How they found me, I don't know, but I can't leave them hanging now. So, that being said, I'm going to be more open than I thought I ever would. If you aren't comfortable with that, *stop reading here!*

I had this strange urge to take a pregnancy test today. Not that I really have any reason to believe I might be pregnant again. I guess it was just more curiosity than anything. Would my Angel still register on a pregnancy test 4 weeks after my surgery? Would I even get a slight line? I mean, I was pregnant for a while. I've heard it can take a couple of months for a woman's HCG levels to get back to normal. But, what if there was a line?! That could mean I was pregnant again (like I said earlier...not happening yet.) How would I know the difference between a pregnancy with my Angel and a new pregnancy? I just had to know. So, I went to the grocery store and bought 4 tests. I planned on only buying one, but I guess old habits die hard.

(Fast forward through taking the test...everyone knows what happens here.)

The test....was....negative! I really thought it would have been harder for me to look at. It was, after all, my first negative test since the middle of December. But I felt so...relieved? Is that the right word? Sort of like I have a clean slate. It is time to move forward, still missing my baby like a crazy person, but continuing on to what God has in store for me next. My flowers are flipped, my pictures are put away in a keepsake box, and my pregnancy test is negative. Bring it on!

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Last First Kiss.

Today is Chris' and my second wedding anniversary. It is only 2:50 in the morning, and I already can't stop smiling. We have been through more in the last two years than a lot of couples go through in an entire lifetime together and there is still honestly no other person I would rather go home to. We love with a love that is more than love, and we do it daily. Hourly. Secondly.

What I would like to know is how I found the one person on this planet that will sit and smile as I watch hours of videos of parrots talking and singing online. That will pretend to laugh along with me when I start laughing so hard at the parrots that I cry, so I don't feel dumb. That works so hard and is incredible at his job, yet is always striving to be better for our family. That will get out of bed in his pajamas when I get home from work in the morning and go downstairs to get me Tylenol and a Mountain Dew even though I'm wide awake and he should still be sleeping when I realize I forgot to grab it before coming upstairs. That will let me get up in the middle of the night and leave the room in a huff over something stupid, then hug me in his sleep when I come back to bed no matter how upset he was before. That will tell me how beautiful I am through weight-loss or gain, dark hair or light, sweatpants or a wedding dress, and mean it. That listens (half asleep) to the annoying ideas and stories I come home with in the morning after a long night of work. That doesn't seem to mind that most of the time I'm home, I'm singing...loud. That makes me hold his hand in public even when I pretend I don't want to because he knows I really do. That still gives me butterflies in my stomach, even after five years. That loves me with the most honest, deep, true, and unconditional love I have ever felt.

My Love, I can't wait to annoy you for the rest of my life. Happy Anniversary! XOXO

P.S. He also is amazing because he says nice things like this. Again, I'm blessed.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Okay, God. I Hear You.

So, long story short, my darling husband was making me a little crazy earlier. We're married, it happens. So I got out of bed (which is my go-to move when I'm upset) and started surfing around. What else would I stumble on than this incredible blog? Read through it, hear his story, I dare you. Talk about putting things into perspective.

It is too easy to be awful to those closest to you, especially when there is deep hurt involved (no matter where that hurt came from.) I'm headed back to bed now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Intentions.

I feel like I need to clarify something. This blog has nothing to do with getting attention for myself. I realize that miscarriages are extremely common and in no way do I think I'm "special" for going through this. I have 2 intentions in writing what I do:

First, I need to get these feelings out for myself. I have always been one to bottle up my emotions and pretend like I'm okay when I'm really not. I'm a really good faker. I don't want to be a burden to people and I really don't want people feeling sorry for me. I would rather pray to God and be held by my husband and let the rest of the world think I'm just fine. However, this is not healthy and if I don't get some of this out in the open I think I might explode.

Second, I need other women to know that what they are feeling is okay. The anger, the hurt, the fear, the is all okay. Miscarriages are common and I think a lot of times that means they are downplayed, especially to the women who are experiencing them and the men along side them. Unless you have gone through it, there is no way you can understand the physical and emotional anguish that follows no matter how far along the pregnancy was. A lot of women and men go through their loss without the support and love that my husband and I have been so fortunate to have, and I can't imagine how lonely that must feel. If you are reading this and that sounds familiar, I need you to know you are so loved and you are not alone.

If I Just Smile.

Denial and Isolation. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Denial and Isolation: When I got home from the hospital after finding out our baby's heart stopped beating, I remember laying in bed thinking "What a horrible mistake they made! Obviously our baby was turned funny and hiding their heart. Everything will be better in the morning when they call me to tell me they messed up." When I called the next morning and they told me to come right in for surgery, I was nervous that they were going to scare my baby when the procedure started and they realized my baby was still alive. Even worse, what if they did the surgery without checking and they didn't realize my baby was okay? My baby was growing and healthy and strong and brave just like I had asked God ever single day. What if they did something to hurt or kill my baby?

Anger: They didn't do anything to hurt my baby. My baby died. What I want to know is if this was God's plan from the beginning, why couldn't He have taken my baby sooner? Why did He wait until I was in the "safe zone." We heard the heartbeat. We saw our baby's face. We told EVERYONE. I went through 2 solid months of throwing up every little thing I put in my mouth, including water. Do you want to know the best part? Guess how much it costs to have a baby under my insurance? Nothing. Guess how much it costs to have your baby die under my insurance? So far, almost $1,500.00. The savings that we worked so hard to build up for our baby? Gone. How fair is that? I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But how many people that do not want children and do not plan and save and work and pray so hard for them have them with no problem? How many announcements did I see on Facebook the week after my surgery saying "Well, I guess I'm pregnant, this sucks."? Three. All three friends were deleted instantly. "Their baby has nothing to do with my baby." That's what I always say. Just because they're pregnant doesn't mean my baby isn't coming. Well, guess what? That doesn't help me. I want my baby, and my baby died. I did everything right. I signed up for extra insurance, took my vitamins, and went to all of my check-ups before we even started trying to get pregnant. After my positive tests, I didn't touch caffeine or lunch meat or sea food, I slept when my body told me to sleep, and ate when it told me to eat even though I knew I would just puke it up. I'm stable, married, insured, healthy, and most of all...we wanted this baby more than anything. Both of us. So many people wanted this baby.

Bargaining: I would give anything to be pregnant again. Not just to be pregnant again, but pregnant with my Angel. Anything. God isn't listening to this part...

Depression: You will never get me to admit this to your face, but most of the time I feel like I can't breathe like I should be able to. The air catches in my throat and I can't inhale fully. I spent most of yesterday morning when I got home from work sobbing in my husband's arms. I know this blog will help me eventually, but right now getting these feelings out and reading them back is horrible. I can function and I can have fun and socialize, but when I'm home and I'm alone I have moments where I feel like I'm drowning.

Acceptance: I'll let you know when I get there.

*If you are reading this and you know me, please don't worry. This is for me, I need to get these feelings out there. I need to be able to go back and read them and see that I really am healing, even when I don't feel like it. Keep praying, God is holding me and each prayer is felt. The peace I tell you all I feel is real. These feelings are real too. It's a perfect storm right now in my heart and it will all come together again soon.*

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What Makes A Mother.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear,
But my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

We Love With A Love That Is More Than Love.

How blessed am I to have a man that God created specifically to hold me and comfort me and love me at this time in my life? Nobody could have done it better...I pray that I can give him all he needs in return.

Chris, I will thank God for you until I die...then I will thank Him again in person. I love you with a love that is more than love.

Faith Isn't Faith Until It Is All You're Holding On To.

This is my first time logging on to this blog since the end of January. Reading my last post for the first time since typing it was incredible. That moment in my life was pure bliss. My husband and I had just found out that we were expecting our first baby earlier that day.

February and March were filled with "morning" sickness that lasted all day long, 15-18 hours of sleep at a time, and a glowing me in the middle of it all. I would literally pick my head up off the toilet and smile knowing that I was sick and that meant there was an amazing baby growing inside of me. I was thankful every single second.

Each time I would lay down to go to sleep (which happened a lot...) I would lay in bed, put both of my hands on my belly, and pray to God that He would keep our baby safe and strong and growing. When I found out that my baby was to the age that he or she would be frightened by loud noises outside of the womb and would actually cry silently, I added to my prayer that God would make our baby brave so I would not feel guilty for being unable to comfort and hug him or her when they were scared. I was so in love.

My husband was taken just as fast as I was with that little one. He instantly fell into the roll of Daddy and caretaker. All I would have to do is mumble that I "sort of" wanted something and he would jump up and go to the store at any time, in any weather, no questions asked. There was one night when he thought I was sleeping that I had my back turned to him and was laying on my side. He woke up, kissed his hand, put it on my tummy, and went back to sleep. He was as much in love as I was.

We had 2 incredible ultrasounds. Our baby was growing and healthy and had a heartbeat of 169 at our second checkup. I can't describe what I felt like to look on that screen and see the flicker of my heartbeat next to the flicker of the heartbeat of our child. The beat was different, but they were the same. That baby was not just in me, that baby was me.

We went to our 13 week appointment and could not wait to see our baby. Sadly, the ultrasound showed our little one's heart was no longer beating. I will not even try to describe that moment. That is for my husband and I. Just know that at 7:30 pm on March 30, 2011, our hearts were shattered.

I had a D&C the next morning and began the start of my new life as Mommy to my Angel. This was not the original idea for this blog, I understand that. For now, it will be my documentation of my road to healing. I don't know what the rest of this year holds in store for me, but hopefully at the end of it I can look back and see how far I have come. As for right now, I miss my baby.

"No one will ever understand my love for you...after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."