Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Things Aren't Perfect. Look Beyond The Imperfections.

Today? I feel good. I feel optimistic. I feel peaceful.

I have a place in my heart that really hurts when I think of certain things. Like Monday; we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary at our doctor's office by finding out the gender of our baby. Or yesterday when I flipped the rest of the flowers that we'd received the week of my surgery so they could dry. I got an e-mail this morning telling me what to expect now that I am "17 weeks pregnant." I should be feeling my baby kicking and moving away in there. I have so many friends that are due around the same time I should have been. While I'm so happy and honestly can't wait to meet those little ones, the milestones they are hitting serve as a constant and pretty difficult reminder. I wish I could see their growing bellies and their darling ultrasound pictures of their amazing babies with perfect little noses and lips without wondering what our baby would look like right now and comparing everything they have with everything I don't.

Wow. That didn't make me sound very optimistic and peaceful, now did it?

Onto the good part. I thought long and hard about how much I wanted to share on this blog. I have a lot of family and friends that read this that know just how private of a person I am. What is happening to me physically is my business and nobody else needs to hear about it. However, there are people around the world (some that I know, most that I don't) that are looking to this blog for comfort. They are going through what I have gone through and want to know what happens next. Where do we all go from here? How they found me, I don't know, but I can't leave them hanging now. So, that being said, I'm going to be more open than I thought I ever would. If you aren't comfortable with that, *stop reading here!*

I had this strange urge to take a pregnancy test today. Not that I really have any reason to believe I might be pregnant again. I guess it was just more curiosity than anything. Would my Angel still register on a pregnancy test 4 weeks after my surgery? Would I even get a slight line? I mean, I was pregnant for a while. I've heard it can take a couple of months for a woman's HCG levels to get back to normal. But, what if there was a line?! That could mean I was pregnant again (like I said earlier...not happening yet.) How would I know the difference between a pregnancy with my Angel and a new pregnancy? I just had to know. So, I went to the grocery store and bought 4 tests. I planned on only buying one, but I guess old habits die hard.

(Fast forward through taking the test...everyone knows what happens here.)

The test....was....negative! I really thought it would have been harder for me to look at. It was, after all, my first negative test since the middle of December. But I felt so...relieved? Is that the right word? Sort of like I have a clean slate. It is time to move forward, still missing my baby like a crazy person, but continuing on to what God has in store for me next. My flowers are flipped, my pictures are put away in a keepsake box, and my pregnancy test is negative. Bring it on!

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