Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Faith Isn't Faith Until It Is All You're Holding On To.

This is my first time logging on to this blog since the end of January. Reading my last post for the first time since typing it was incredible. That moment in my life was pure bliss. My husband and I had just found out that we were expecting our first baby earlier that day.

February and March were filled with "morning" sickness that lasted all day long, 15-18 hours of sleep at a time, and a glowing me in the middle of it all. I would literally pick my head up off the toilet and smile knowing that I was sick and that meant there was an amazing baby growing inside of me. I was thankful every single second.

Each time I would lay down to go to sleep (which happened a lot...) I would lay in bed, put both of my hands on my belly, and pray to God that He would keep our baby safe and strong and growing. When I found out that my baby was to the age that he or she would be frightened by loud noises outside of the womb and would actually cry silently, I added to my prayer that God would make our baby brave so I would not feel guilty for being unable to comfort and hug him or her when they were scared. I was so in love.

My husband was taken just as fast as I was with that little one. He instantly fell into the roll of Daddy and caretaker. All I would have to do is mumble that I "sort of" wanted something and he would jump up and go to the store at any time, in any weather, no questions asked. There was one night when he thought I was sleeping that I had my back turned to him and was laying on my side. He woke up, kissed his hand, put it on my tummy, and went back to sleep. He was as much in love as I was.

We had 2 incredible ultrasounds. Our baby was growing and healthy and had a heartbeat of 169 at our second checkup. I can't describe what I felt like to look on that screen and see the flicker of my heartbeat next to the flicker of the heartbeat of our child. The beat was different, but they were the same. That baby was not just in me, that baby was me.

We went to our 13 week appointment and could not wait to see our baby. Sadly, the ultrasound showed our little one's heart was no longer beating. I will not even try to describe that moment. That is for my husband and I. Just know that at 7:30 pm on March 30, 2011, our hearts were shattered.

I had a D&C the next morning and began the start of my new life as Mommy to my Angel. This was not the original idea for this blog, I understand that. For now, it will be my journal...my documentation of my road to healing. I don't know what the rest of this year holds in store for me, but hopefully at the end of it I can look back and see how far I have come. As for right now, I miss my baby.

"No one will ever understand my love for you...after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

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