Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Warning: This post may be very disturbing to some of you. I'd advise those of you closest to Nolan (Mom-I'm directing this at you) to probably skip this post.

About an hour before I left to work tonight, I was overcome with the feeling that Nolan was going to die. Normally I'd be fine to let him play with Chris as I did my hair in makeup for the day, but I kept him wrapped on my chest the entire time. I couldn't put him down. Chris was headed to his parent's house for dinner as I left tor the evening and I kissed Nolan about thirty times before I could put him in his carseat. I left out the front door and the boys went out the back. I felt like throwing up the second I shut the door. I hurried up, got in my car, and sped around to the back of the house before Chris got Nolan in the car. I fought the urge to get out and kiss my baby again, but I wanted to...bad.

I've never felt this way before. I've had the normal new mom fears. I do my research and take the steps needed to be sure he is safe. I worry if he seems sick and I probably overthink a lot of what I do. I'm doing the best that I know how. He isn't sick right now. He is growing and healthy and strong...I have no specific reason to feel the way I did earlier.

Last night I had a dream that I was staying in a large bed and breakfast with my family. I left Nolan with the lady that owned the house as she was baking cookies. She was so sweet and loved him and I felt completely safe with her. I went upstairs to grab something and when I went back down to her, she handed me Nolan's burpcloth. It had been washed and ironed and was on a hanger. His blue sailboat binkie was hanging around the hook of the hanger. She didn't say anything to me.

All of a sudden, I heard Chris screaming my name. He was down another flight of stairs. I dropped the burp cloth and ran down the steps so fast that my feet barely even touched them. I already knew. He was holding Nolan...and he was blue. Chris had his face burried in Nolan's chest and was screaming. I fell to my knees and that's all that I remember. I woke up shortly after that with my hand on Nolan's chest (he's still sleeping next to our bed) and he was smiling up at me.

I have a hard time shaking dreams and feelings like those. I know in my heart that Nolan is safe. There is still that tiny part in the back of my mind that believes that since God works in such strange ways sometimes, maybe I'm being prepared for something horrible. I wish I could get that part of my mind to shut up. The part that says I'm having these feelings so that I stop and give him an extra kiss before I leave for work so that if something happens, that won't be one of my regrets.

I had Chris bring Nolan in to see me at work on his way home from his parent's house tonight. I held him and loved on him and kissed him before they went home. I felt physically sick as Chris drove away with him in the backseat. Right now, I'm going to credit my dream with my horrific feelings. Nolan is just fine. I just haven't felt this way before and felt like I needed to get it out. I'm sorry if this bothered any of my readers...I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I just love that boy so much. He is my world right now and I really think I would die if anything were to happen to him.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Four Months. this post is a little late. Nolan turned four months old over a week ago. Life has a tendency to get a little nuts while working 40 hours a week and caring for an infant. He is so worth it though. He is amazing.

He started sleeping through the night a couple of weeks ago. He was waking up at around 3:00 every morning for a bottle, but we switched him to a new formula with rice cereal in it and *BAM*! He slept for eight hours the first night, nine hours the second, and twelve hours from there on out! He's had one or two  nights that he's fussed a little, but for the most part he sleeps all night long. It is so wonderful. I get off work at 3:00 in the morning and I'm still able to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before we're up for the day. Also, he's stopped crying when he wakes up in the morning. He'll just sort of grunt and turn over in his bed to watch me until I wake up. Chris said that he got up for work the other morning and I was fast asleep but Nolan was wide awake just staring at me with his mouth wide open like "Wake up, Mommy!" He's so funny.

Speaking of rice cereal, we gave him solids for his first time on Father's Day, June 17th. He'd been showing an interest in food for a while and grabbing at our plates, so we figured we'd give it a shot once we got the go ahead from his doctor. Dr. Hawks told us we were clear to start at his appointment on the 14th but we wanted to wait until my night off so Chris and I could both be there for it. The doctor warned us that Nolan would probably only take a bite or two and he'd probably spit most of it out. He said that Nolan wouldn't know what to do with a spoon. Obviously he doesn't know our family because, like us, our kid is a natural born eater. He took his first bite like he'd been eating off a spoon his whole life! He knew exactly what to do with it! He ate a small bowl of cereal that first night and we've given it to him every night but one since then. He's still getting the hang of it and it is a little messy, but mostly because he likes to put his hand in his bowl and play with his dinner. He's starting early.

His four month appointment went really well. He's up to 14 pounds and 3 ounces! He's right in the 50th percentile for his weight. My tall little love is over 25 inches long now which puts him in the 75th percentile for his length. He has such long and skinny legs. He barely has any chub on his entire body! How is he our child? He got his vaccinations and that always breaks my heart. He was staring up at the nurses and smiling and all of a sudden they jabbed these needles in his legs and he started screaming. They ruined his day. I got to run to the rescue though and hug him and make things better which is the only part of the whole thing that I actually enjoy.

He laughs and smiles all the time. He is such a happy baby. The only time he ever cries is if I don't get him a bottle in time and that is my own fault. He's taking between 6 and 9 ounces at a time and has started spacing his bottles out to only 4 or 5 a day. I'm trying to adjust to his new schedule which means I don't always have his meal ready when he wants it. I'm getting the hang of it though.

He has rolled over from belly to back a couple of times and from back to belly once (he was not happy about that one.) He hasn't shown much interest in rolling since then. He'll roll to his side to get a better view of things but he just stops there. He's much more happy if we help him stand up. He can support all of his weight on his little chicken legs and just needs help to balance. He smiles instantly the second he's in a standing position. I really need to get him a jumper.

He's comfortably fitting in 3-6 month clothing and size 2 diapers. We've stopped swaddling him at night because he outgrew the one he had. I didn't want to spend money on a new one and have to worry about him since he started rolling. We tried putting him in wearable blankets for bed a couple of times, but that didn't work out. He hates having his feet covered by blankets. It was okay when he was swaddled because it was tight on his feet, but the wearable blanket really frustrated him. He would wake himself up trying to kick the blanket off his toes, but obviously he couldn't because it was zipped around him. We switched to footed cotton sleepers and he started sleeping through the night again. My strange little particular.

He plays with toys now. I mean, really plays with them. He'll grab at things he likes and stare at them and pass them from hand to hand. His favorite toy is this little crinkly fabric Winnie The Pooh book. I took him to Babies R Us a couple of days ago to get him a highchair and there was a small toy giraffe that was made of the same material. I picked it up and showed it to him and he got the most serious look on his face like "Mommy, I need" I gave it to him and he hugged it, then shoved it in his mouth. He loved it so much! I had to buy it for him. He has had it with him for two days straight. Giraffe buddy is his new best friend. We'll have to come up with a better name for him than that...

Time is flying. I can't believe he is 1/3 of a year old. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday at the hospital where he was born. I hadn't been there since the night we took him home. I got so emotional walking through those doors knowing that the last time I did I was pregnant and ready to meet my baby. Now he is here and perfect and I can barely remember life without him. Between Nolan and Chris, I'm one blessed girl. I don't deserve either of them, yet I go home to both every night. I love my life.

I'm still working on getting his four month pictures uploaded and edited. I'll do a photo-dump when I get them done...promise.

Friday, June 8, 2012

There's This Boy.

He has completely and utterly stolen my heart. I don't think about much other than Nolan. Every day he is growing and changing. He is so smart and clever and incredible. He laughs and smiles all the time. He loves life. Watching him discover the world is such a privilege. That sounds cheesy, but honestly it is. I get to watch a brand new person see and experience everything for the first time!

His first laugh was to die for. Chris had just got home from work on 4/27 and we were sitting in the living room together. I'd been tickling Nolan's neck and chest most of the day to try to get him to giggle...he was so close! Finally, out of nowhere, he busted up laughing. Loud, adorable, belly laughs. Cute doesn't even begin to describe it! Chris started recording and we were able to get about a second of the end of the laugh on tape.

There are so many more things that he has learned, but I want to save those for his 4 month post next week (what?!) For now, I wanted to drop in and say how in love I am. Weird, huh?