Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Tomorrow marks 3 months since we found out our baby was gone. I can't believe it has been a quarter of a year already. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by, but other times I feel like time is standing still. I realized that lately my posts have sort of drifted away from my baby. I guess that is part of the healing process, right? However, today my mind has been consumed with that little one and I just need to remember for a while.

Through my pregnancy, I had dreams about my baby. The one that stands out most in my mind was one I had 2 days before my last ultrasound (so the baby had already passed away inside of me, I just didn't know.) It started out in the delivery room and I was holding my new baby girl. I remember looking down at her and feeling so overwhelmed and overcome with this intense love. She was looking up at me and holding onto my finger and we just sat there in awe of each other. Nobody else was in the room. It was just us.

In my dream she had a name, but it was not the girl name Chris and I have planned. We have had a boy name and a girl name picked out for a while now and we are pretty set on them. The name she had in my dream was one I'd never heard on a person before, but it fit her so well. I even wrote a status update on Facebook the next morning about the beautiful name from my dream that I just couldn't shake. After we realized the baby had died, the name stuck. I don't know the connection between dreams and God and life beyond death...maybe I'm just holding onto a memory that I know I'll never experience, but either way it still warms me to my core to think that I held that little one, I stared into her eyes, and I named her.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to share her name on this blog. Part of me wanted to keep it for Chris and I, but part of me thinks it is too beautiful not to share.


When I first told the name to Chris, he was a little put off. He associated Eden with the fall of man and sin. I, however, have always associated Eden with perfection. Before sin swept in, the garden was God's masterpiece. That is how I think of our baby now. She was never born into this world so she truly was perfection. She went to Heaven as pure and as flawless as when God sent her here.

It is funny how things come together even when you don't think they have. I was nervous about knowing our baby's gender (although I was sure she was a girl) because I thought I would always associate the name we already had picked out with that baby who was no longer with us. That didn't happen, though. My baby was given the most beautiful and fitting name in my dreams and Chris and I still have the names we love for the children we will bring home one day.

I'm still missing her like crazy, but my Eden was returned to God as the masterpiece He intended and there is nothing more beautiful our peaceful to me than that thought.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Day For Dads.

I know this is a little late, but I wanted to write a little something for Father's Day. I need all of the dads in my life (especially my Daddy, Kevin, and Scottie) to know what a dear place they each hold in my heart. There is something special about a dad's relationship with his daughter. It is a sort of protective love and I am so blessed to have so many men who care about me and would be there in an instant if I needed them to be.

As for my husband, father to our Angel and hopefully one day father to the babies we'll bring home, I can't wait to see him as a daddy. He has such a solid and pure heart and I know he is going to be incredible.

Happy Father's Day!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Just A Loud Smile.

I love laughing. Luckily, I found someone that makes me laugh every single day and decided to marry him. I haven't written in a while and I was wanting to post about something a little more deep, but today I just need to focus on the hilariousness of my life. Chris and I laugh all the time.

We joke that we are the real life Doug and Carrie from "King of Queens." We get ourselves in the most awkward situations and honestly, all we can do is laugh. One story that still cracks me up is when we went to my friend's funeral a couple of years ago (I know, it gets funny. I promise.) It was held in a funeral home where the rooms are separated by those hard curtains that you can slide back and forth to make the room larger or smaller if needed. The curtain was pulled to make 2 smaller rooms and we were a little confused, so we decided to go in the room with the coffin (when all else fails, head to the room with the person of honor, right?) So we walk in and someone comes in behind us and shuts the door, leaving us in this small room with maybe 10 other people all standing together. Where are the chairs? Is this really all that is going to show up? Then the man who walked in behind us tells us all to gather together and hold hands.

Wait. What?

You guessed it. We were in the family prayer room. With the coffin. Parents. Siblings. Us. Everyone was giving us the side-eye, but what were we supposed to do? Just walk out? We tried to compose ourselves and grabbed some hands. We prayed, and when we were done we tried to make our escape.


We were escorted in to the real room where the funeral was held with the rest of the family to the sound of the organ playing in the background. Yes, in front of everyone. I probably only knew two people in that entire room. I still wonder what in the world everyone was thinking as the line of family walked in and there were these two random people with them. Nobody ever said anything to us...

Now, my friend who passed away had the best sense of humor ever and I know if she was watching, she was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. That is why I'm comfortable joking about it now, she wouldn't have let a situation like that just go to waste. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my entire life, but c'mon, that is pretty dang funny. It was an honest and horribly awkward mistake. Can't you see Doug and Carrie doing that?! 

I also laugh when I remember Chris and his random one-man flash mob in the middle of our living room to the song "My First Kiss", cracking up when we grabbed our plates at a Chinese buffet and saw the giant bowl of cheese puffs next to the crab legs (classy), when I looked back at him as we were taking the long hike to our car after the U2 concert and realized he was hobbling with a "walking stick" because he had a tiny blister on his toe, or the time I started loading groceries into a car that looked just like mine, until I set the alarm off and had to load them back in my cart and walk across the parking lot to my car with that stupid alarm blaring in the background (talk about walk of shame)...I could go on all day.

Long story (kind of) short, every single day there is something new to laugh about. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, and we laugh together. My life could be a sitcom, especially now that "King of Queens" is no longer filming. Let's see...what should I call it?

I wouldn't put it past him.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've Been Shown How It Is Done.

When I started this blog, I had one goal: to change the world. It seems almost impossible, right? Well, it isn't. Do you want to know how I know? I've seen it done.

He did it.

This is one of my brother's best friends. His name is Nick Raitt, and he passed away on June 2 of a very rare childhood cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. He was diagnosed in 2007 and in the four years following that, he accomplished more than you would believe if I told you. I would like to challenge you to read his story. My prayer is he will inspire you as he did me. This is a man who knew how to make a difference. He is still changing the world, even though his life here has ended. What a legacy he left. I could not be more proud to have the connection I do with Nick and I am thankful God gave me such a remarkable example as I continue my journey to try and make a difference.

I am so excited to see what Nick's WACKY Warriors do to change the word "cancer" as we know it. As his mother so beautifully put it, let's "change the Huntsman into a hotel." I believe with all of my heart that this can be a reality. Let us make it happen together.

To Nick's family: You are in my prayers daily and you are loved more than you know.
To Nick: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Godspeed, little man.