Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Waiting For Rain.

I am in a funk. After the scare with Chris that I wrote about last week, I have felt like something bad is coming. We dodged that bullet, but ours is in the air. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. The devil? I have never been big on karma or "getting what is coming to you." God is in control of all that happens, good and bad. So why can't I shake this?

I don't want to go into detail on this, but I also had a pretty serious health scare a couple of days ago. It is something I decided to keep between Chris and myself, I don't even want to talk to family about it. It didn't have anything to do with the baby, so you don't have to worry there. However, I walked into an appointment on Monday fully expecting to walk out with life-shattering news. Things are okay for now, which I'm so thankful for, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think of it as yet another dodged bullet. Another missed opportunity for whatever evil is out to get my family to latch on...

I pray for God to protect us. I pray for Him to take away the feelings I have. I need to stop waiting for everything to come crashing down around me. Right now, I'm okay. Chris is okay. Baby is okay. What am I so afraid of?

I'm scared to death to buy anything for our baby. I'm coming up on 17 weeks, and I can't even bring myself to walk through the baby clothes at the store. I tried to look at little Converse sneakers last night online, and just about sent myself into a full blown panic attack. Other people have been buying things, and that's fine. It is their money. I would rather have my money saved up to pay for medical care if something goes wrong. When I lost Eden, I had to come up with a huge amount of cash before they would even let me schedule my surgery. I pray, and I pray, and I pray that this baby is not going anywhere...but somewhere in my mind I'm afraid that if I buy something, things will go bad and I will be left holding the sneakers or diapers or blanket and wishing I had the cash to pay for the medical procedure instead.

I feel like a sick and messed up person. I don't talk about these things openly with friends and family, and I'd rather not. I'll leave it here, and if people choose to read it, they can. I feel like it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have. I wouldn't trade where I'm at in my life for anything in the world, and I'm madly in love with my husband and baby. I know there are so many women that would kill to be pregnant (I was there for over a year...) and I don't want them to read this and think I don't want what I have. I just feel like, at least for now, my glass-half-full outlook on life is taking a break on me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I feel like I'm in a mean game with the universe. Right now, I'm still standing. When is the rubber ball going to smash me in the face? How to I keep getting so lucky and dodging these awful things being thrown my way?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My Little Avocado.

I suppose "Baby is beautiful" isn't really the pregnancy update people were expecting, so I decided to elaborate a little bit. I'm 16 weeks and starting to feel really great! My appetite is back with a vengeance, which I haven't decided if I like or not yet. My appointment last Wednesday was amazing. I was nervous about her trying to do the ultrasound on the outside of my belly because of how my uterus was positioned. The last time I had an external ultrasound was when we found out that Eden's heart stopped and it took her so long to pull up anything on the screen, so she finally went internally and we got the bad news. I was scared that she wouldn't be able to pull anything up right away this time and I would panic. But literally as soon as she set the wand on my stomach, baby popped up on the screen.

He was not quite as hyper as last time we saw him, but he was huge! Chris and I were really hopeful that I was far enough along to find out if baby is a boy or girl. No such luck. She didn't even want to take a guess because of how similar male parts and female parts look when they are so small. I still call baby "he" and Chris and I are certain that we'll be bringing home a son in February, but we'll have to wait a little while longer for confirmation.

She showed us how his organs are developing and we were able to see his heart, kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain, spine, ribs, and umbilical cord pumping blood. She said everything is looking wonderful and he was measuring right at 15 weeks on the dot (I was 15 weeks the day of my appointment.) She switched the ultrasound over to 4D so we could try to get a good look at his face, but he is shy. The picture I posted last week was the best one we got, and I can't stop looking at it. That's our baby!

As for me, things are looking great there too. She picked up the picture of our baby right in the middle of my belly, which means my uterus is back to where it should be. My thyroid levels look wonderful, so there should be no more adjusting my medications. I'm officially off progesterone and the aftermath has passed. I gained my first pound of the entire pregnancy from weeks 12-15, which my midwife was happy about. Overall, things are looking perfect! Chris and I could not be more thrilled.

I can't express to you how loved this baby is. Eden made me appreciate every single part of this pregnancy. I might not enjoy it all, but I appreciate it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I can't wait to feel him kicking (so far, only a few tiny flutters.) Keep growing, little man!

If Tomorrow Never Comes.

What a whirlwind couple of days! Chris gave me quite the scare. About a month ago, he started getting really bad headaches. Every time he complained of one, I would ask the same two questions: "Did you have coffee today?" followed by "Well then, make an appointment with the eye doctor!" He mentioned a while back that he thought he needed glasses since he had them as a child, so I just assumed his poor vision was making him ill and he could take care of it when he decided he was in enough pain to go in and get glasses (I know, so sympathetic.)

Then, approximately a week ago, the headaches started getting bad. He turned into a grouchy and miserable zombie and didn't want to do anything. He would snap at me, then quickly follow that up with "I'm sorry, I don't feel well." It continued to get worse, and I started to get a little nervous. Then, I came home from work one morning and he told me he had lumps on his scalp. I felt the back of his head, and noticed two solid masses, each bigger than a quarter. I freaked out, jumped out of bed, and right on WebMD. What a horrible idea that was! Within a few seconds, I had his diagnosis narrowed down to a brain aneurysm or tumor. Lovely.

He was also searching on his phone (in a slightly less erratic state than I was) and found a reputable site that said to watch the lumps for a month and if there was no change, or if they became worse, to go get them checked. Fine. I agreed to watch them like a hawk and if I noticed them getting bigger at all, he was going in. Well, that lasted a whole 24 hours.

I got home from work the following morning (Monday) and he said he woke up in the middle of the night and felt like he was falling out of bed. The room was spinning, his head was throbbing, and his scalp was burning. The lumps seemed to be getting bigger, so we scheduled an appointment for that evening when he got off work (his job doesn't like to let him have time off for anything, not even a possible brain tumor. He actually got in trouble for taking a couple of emergency days off with me when Eden died and I had to have surgery.)

Okay, so by this point I was totally freaking out. Sobbing. I had diagnosed him myself, and I was trying to prepare myself for the news. Now, I know I really need to stay away from the internet when I am stressed about something, but I can't help it. I'm a researcher. I might be horrible at it sometimes, but in my twisted mind it makes me feel more at ease to have a bad answer than no answer at all. At least that gives me something to plan for and I'm not blindsided by awful news when it comes (like I was with Eden.)

So I curled up on the bed in our office and watched Chris work. Still sobbing. Imagining his funeral. Wondering what I was going to do with all of our bills. Thinking about the birth of our baby and how our little one would never know his father. That started a whole new roll of sobs. I pictured myself holding a perfect tiny version of Chris and thought of what it would be like to raise our son without him. I thought of the baby growing and talking and walking and looking just like him...learning how to play the guitar...obsessing over was a long freaking morning.

We finally got to the doctor's office and thank goodness it was not a long wait. After about an hour of blood work, neurological tests, a vision screening, and lots of poking and prodding, we learned...I'm a drama queen. Stroke? No. Tumor? Nope. Aneurysm? Nada. Vision? Just fine. Blood cell count? A little high. The doctor said that he was not concerned, and he would take more blood to have it tested thoroughly, but all of the major risks were ruled out. The lumps? Swollen lymph nodes caused by allergies.

We got his blood work results yesterday. Apparently, he has some sort of virus in his bloodstream. Again, doctor said it is nothing to be concerned about. He gave Chris a simple medicine routine to follow over the next week or two, and if he does not start feeling better, he'll go back in for further testing to find out specifically what the virus is and treat it that way. After only two days on his medicine, he is already starting to feel better and I feel like I have my husband back.

What is the moral of this story? Pregnancy hormones suck. But more importantly, I am so thankful for Chris. He does so much for me and he is going to be an amazing dad. Lastly, it is time to grow up. Tomorrow is not promised to anybody, and I've always approached that from an emotional standpoint. Practically, I would be screwed if anything happened to Chris. I could support myself and our child on my income, but what would I do with all of his bills? Funeral costs? It disgusts me to even have to think of these things, but we have a baby that will be here before we know it and it is time to really get things in line.

I got a quote for life insurance for Chris and our baby yesterday (I'm covered through  my job), and we'll be going to fill out the paperwork next week. It is so much more reasonable than I thought it would be, and I know a lot of you out there believe it is frivolous for "young people" to buy life insurance, but this week has taught me that you never know what the future has in store for you. I would much rather skip a meal at a nice restaurant once a month to cover insurance costs than to ever be put in a situation where I wished I had the coverage and didn't. I pray that we'll pay for this for 70 years and never use it...even then, in my opinion, it will still be money well spent.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Quick Update.

I was so worried for is beautiful. 

Today Is The Tomorrow I Worried About Yesterday.

It is 12:35 in the morning. Do you know what that means? It is here. My appointment. I'll be honest, I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety. It has been three weeks and two days since my last check-up and that is the longest I've gone without seeing my baby since I found out I was pregnant. The last time I went that long between doctor's appointments, I went in to find out my baby wasn't alive anymore. I had no was over, just like that.

I have felt wonderful about this baby up until yesterday. I don't have a real reason to feel like things have gone bad, it is just my nerves taking hold again. I got home from work in the morning and realized I had not felt sick for almost 20 hours and I panicked. Then, as I went through my day and the nausea didn't return, I got even more worked up. I practically yelled my thanks to God when I got in my car last night and the smell of the hot interior made me vomit in my mouth. At least it was something!

All of the little twinges I've been feeling in my lower belly for the past month have stopped too. I am so used to the cramping feeling every time I sneeze, cough, or stand up to fast, that now I feel like I'm missing something. I'm just telling myself that my uterus is taking a break from the rapid stretching it has been doing, maybe it is big enough for baby to grow inside and fill it out for a while.

I really wish I knew how to get through this without analyzing every cramp, sickness, and feeling I have in my body. I feel like I have to keep a lot of what I'm feeling to myself (besides this blog) because there are so many people counting on this baby being born in February and I don't want to scare anyone. I live with the fear on my own, and I'm okay with that. Although I don't fully trust that I will not have any issues with this pregnancy and my baby will be born in a few months (as hard as that is to admit...), I trust with all of my heart that God is in control of every part of this baby and our life and what is supposed to happen is going to.

I can't help but think of Eden and the impact she has made even though she never even lived to take her first breath. She was put here for a reason, and it doesn't matter that I think her time here was too short. She and God are working together up there making sure she continues to accomplish everything she was sent here to do, and it blows me away. This baby is no different. He is here for a distinct purpose, and while I pray every single day that his purpose is to come live with me and teach me what it really is to be a mother, I'll rejoice in whatever God has planned for him.

Enough worrying, I'm sure things will be fine later. I just tend to overthink things, and that is what this blog is for. Today I am pregnant, and I love my cherry limeade and celery obsessed little baby.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Miss You, Prometrium.

Today is not a fun day. Thursday was my first day off of my progesterone supplement since I was 4 weeks pregnant, and my body is missing the extra hormones. I stayed on it for a week longer than I probably should have for two reasons: 1) I have heard horrible things about the withdrawal symptoms and 2) I was scared to death that the pill was the only thing keeping my baby in there and once I stopped, my pregnancy would be over.

Lets talk for a second about the withdrawal. It sucks. Bad. I have said before and I'll say again- I will do anything if it means I got to bring home a healthy baby in February. This is nothing more than another hurdle for me to get my big belly over to get to the prize and I'm all game. I just didn't realize I'd be quite so sick. If I stop to think about it, it makes sense. My body has received a surge of hormones every single day at the same time for 10 weeks now. Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. I did some research on what I would experience after quitting the medication and I was scared to death. Violent migraine-induced vomiting, extreme fatigue (as if I haven't been experiencing enough of this as it is), mood swings, and vertigo. So...basically pregnancy on crack.

I felt pretty good for most of Thursday. I was tired, but that is pretty normal for me lately. Then I went to bed that night and woke up around 4:00 am feeling horrible. I haven't had a migraine like that in a long time. I tried to get up and move around, but that didn't work out well. I got back in bed with my beloved Snoogle and cuddled up for the long haul. I finally got back to sleep around 10:00 and didn't wake back up until Chris got me out of bed around dinner time. I tried eating dinner, but it was rough. I ended up crashing again on the couch until it was time for me to rush and get ready for work. Now, I'm sitting here, head throbbing, and trying not to throw up all over my computer. Five more hours and I can go back to bed.

I'm not complaining, I'm explaining. My baby is still in there acting like a wild child and that makes every little pain I feel worth it 100 times over. I can feel him growing and I can't wait until my appointment on Wednesday to see how much bigger he is. I was terrified that it was the pill that was keeping my baby in there and I spent all of Thursday and most of Friday waiting for the bleeding to start. I hate living in fear. I prayed and prayed that he would stay in his cozy home he's made himself, and so far I think he has. I still have the twinges and what I'm assuming are growing pains (my midwife calls them RLP) and those are oddly comforting.

Dear Baby, I love you so much, but it would be really nice to eat something other than raw vegetables and orange juice without losing my cookies afterwards. I love that you love celery, but Mommy really loves meat. Can we compromise? You let me eat steak for dinner and I'll give you celery for dessert. Deal?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Queen Of The Castle.

So, do you remember how excited I was about my Snoogle? Well, I had no idea it would also serve as a very expensive doggie bed. Paisley has adopted it the five nights a week that I work, so I come home in the morning to this. Snug as a pug in a Snoogle.

Friday, August 5, 2011

This Is My Diary.

Hormonal vent to follow: So, here I am, awake at 04:16 on my only night off from work this week. I sat in bed for over an hour, staring at the ceiling and wondering whether or not I wanted to jump on and write about this or not. I flashed back to having dinner with a good friend earlier this week. He sat down in the booth on the other side of me, put up his hand to give me a high-five, and congratulated me on the "realest blog ever." This has become my sanity in everything that I've gone through, and whether people like all that I write or not, going back and reading my highs and lows of the last 8 months has been so therapeutic for me. It is my diary, but I don't lock it up and hide it under my bed. I share it with anyone who chooses to read it and pray that somehow it speaks to them. This morning? I'm I'll write.

Let me start out by saying that I have the most loyal, loving, and devoted husband that a woman could ask for. He is not shy to tell anyone who asks him that I am his world. I trust him more than I ever thought possible, down to the very bottom of my heart. I know without a doubt that he would never, ever do anything to hurt me.

That said, let me introduce you to the beautiful world of pregnancy hormones. I woke up this morning feeling more insecure than I can ever remember feeling. I had a horrible dream: I was sitting at dinner with my mom and could not get Chris to text me back or answer my phone calls. I was concerned because there was a huge snow storm rolling in and he needed new tires on his car, so I wanted me to make sure he made it home safe before it hit and he was stuck out in it. I called, and called, and called. Finally, I got an answer and all I could hear was static and a female's voice. I assumed he was at his family's house and I headed home for the night, hoping he would meet me there.

I walked in to a dark and empty house. I went up to our bedroom and sat on our bed, waiting for him to come home. When he finally walked in, I asked him how the roads were and why he was not responding to my text messages or phone calls. He was really quiet and seemed annoyed, so I questioned a little bit further to make sure he was okay. Finally, he said he was over at his friend, Cody's house. I asked who the female was on the line when I called (assuming it was Cody's wife) and Chris changed his story. He said he had been home the whole time, but he had a friend over. Someone I had not met. Her name was Ashley and he had just given her a ride home.

I asked what they were doing, and Chris said she was there to help him clean. We have a general rule (with exceptions, of course) that one of us is not to be alone with a member of the opposite sex in our house without the other one home. He was still acting sort of strange, but eventually (after more questioning) he went on to tell me that I was not beautiful anymore now that I was pregnant and he was more attracted to Ashley because she didn't have a baby stretching her out. He wanted to spend time with her because she did not sleep all day, he didn't have to hear her throw up, and her body looked how a body was "supposed to look." They could just go out, have fun, and not worry about a baby in her stomach.

That's around the time I woke up. I didn't realize that I was feeling so insecure, but as I was laying there trying to fall back asleep, so many emotions surfaced that I didn't know I had. This has nothing to do with Chris. In my dream, he was just the voice of my own subconscious. I am so thankful for this baby, but I feel like an outsider in my body. I'm only in the beginning of my second trimester, and everything is changing so much. It is not just weight shifting (which is weird...I have not gained a pound but I feel huge! It is all migrating to my stomach.) My skin is breaking out, the hair on my head is frizzy, the hair on my body grows back faster than I can shave it, I have dark circles under my eyes that won't go away, my teeth feel dirty no matter how many times I brush them, none of my clothes fit, I get winded walking up the stairs, and my idea of spending time with my husband is sleeping next to him on the couch while he watches television. Romantic.

I know that my body is busy creating a miracle. I am so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to create a life. I am growing my child inside of myself, and there is nothing more incredible to think about. Honestly, if God told me that the only way for my baby to be healthy was for me to give up showering, shaving, makeup, and to gain 500 pounds, I would do it without blinking an eye. It is just strange and new for me. I've never thought of myself as a vain person, but I've always been fairly comfortable with myself. I felt pretty. Lately, I haven't. I love my life, I love my husband, and I love this baby that is growing inside of me more than anything. I'm very blessed. I need to stop being so damn shallow.

There you go, how's that for real?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I'm So Tired, My Tired Is Tired.

I'm loving it, though. Really. I still can't believe how different this pregnancy is from my last one. I plan on doing a post specifically about that, so I won't go much further than to say this one is so much easier. However, I can no longer brag about how this sweet baby has not made me sick. I had one day of horrible, miserable, head in the toilet for hours, all day sickness a couple of days ago. It came out of nowhere! I was sitting at work and BAM! It hit. Thankfully, I made it through the drive home, but as soon as I walked in the door I had to sprint to the toilet. Oh, the joys of pregnancy. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

It is so weird to start seeing "baby things" come into our life. We went to my in-laws last night for dinner and sitting in their front room ready for this? A cradle. It is gorgeous! Walking in and seeing that with the quilts draped over the edge gave me butterflies in my stomach. She sent us home with a couple of binkies to keep with the bib they bought us a few weeks ago (which is also adorable, by the way.) Seeing those things on our counter in our house is a little surreal. I guess I'll get used to it eventually!

Chris and I have not bought anything for the baby yet. I think we'll wait until we know (officially) if baby is a boy or a girl. We did make an amazing mommy purchase, though!


It is basically a little bit of amazing in pillow form. It came in the mail today (I saved a ton of money by buying it off of Amazon, which made it totally worth the wait) and Chris brought it upstairs while I was tossing around trying to sleep. The next thing I knew, I woke up a few hours later in the same position I fell asleep in! That is unheard of for me. I've been struggling with hip pain as my body is adjusting to everything that is going on inside and for the first time in weeks, my hips feel awesome. I am horrible at spending money, but this one was worth it. Hopefully in a few days, the ache I've had in my shoulders and neck will start easing up.

Other than that, the 3 of us are doing great! My next appointment is August 17. I can't wait to see the little one again. As of right now, when I think of going in for my ultrasound, I don't get anxiety. That is huge for me! Hopefully I can still say that in a couple of weeks.