Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Today Is The Tomorrow I Worried About Yesterday.

It is 12:35 in the morning. Do you know what that means? It is here. My appointment. I'll be honest, I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety. It has been three weeks and two days since my last check-up and that is the longest I've gone without seeing my baby since I found out I was pregnant. The last time I went that long between doctor's appointments, I went in to find out my baby wasn't alive anymore. I had no was over, just like that.

I have felt wonderful about this baby up until yesterday. I don't have a real reason to feel like things have gone bad, it is just my nerves taking hold again. I got home from work in the morning and realized I had not felt sick for almost 20 hours and I panicked. Then, as I went through my day and the nausea didn't return, I got even more worked up. I practically yelled my thanks to God when I got in my car last night and the smell of the hot interior made me vomit in my mouth. At least it was something!

All of the little twinges I've been feeling in my lower belly for the past month have stopped too. I am so used to the cramping feeling every time I sneeze, cough, or stand up to fast, that now I feel like I'm missing something. I'm just telling myself that my uterus is taking a break from the rapid stretching it has been doing, maybe it is big enough for baby to grow inside and fill it out for a while.

I really wish I knew how to get through this without analyzing every cramp, sickness, and feeling I have in my body. I feel like I have to keep a lot of what I'm feeling to myself (besides this blog) because there are so many people counting on this baby being born in February and I don't want to scare anyone. I live with the fear on my own, and I'm okay with that. Although I don't fully trust that I will not have any issues with this pregnancy and my baby will be born in a few months (as hard as that is to admit...), I trust with all of my heart that God is in control of every part of this baby and our life and what is supposed to happen is going to.

I can't help but think of Eden and the impact she has made even though she never even lived to take her first breath. She was put here for a reason, and it doesn't matter that I think her time here was too short. She and God are working together up there making sure she continues to accomplish everything she was sent here to do, and it blows me away. This baby is no different. He is here for a distinct purpose, and while I pray every single day that his purpose is to come live with me and teach me what it really is to be a mother, I'll rejoice in whatever God has planned for him.

Enough worrying, I'm sure things will be fine later. I just tend to overthink things, and that is what this blog is for. Today I am pregnant, and I love my cherry limeade and celery obsessed little baby.

1 comment:

  1. I get anxiety about a week before each doctor's apointment- you're definitely not alone. My next appointment is Monday and for the last few days I've been really nervous about it. I don't know how to make the worrying stop, but in a few hours you'll get to hear your baby's heartbeat and everything will be okay again :)