Thursday, August 25, 2011

If Tomorrow Never Comes.

What a whirlwind couple of days! Chris gave me quite the scare. About a month ago, he started getting really bad headaches. Every time he complained of one, I would ask the same two questions: "Did you have coffee today?" followed by "Well then, make an appointment with the eye doctor!" He mentioned a while back that he thought he needed glasses since he had them as a child, so I just assumed his poor vision was making him ill and he could take care of it when he decided he was in enough pain to go in and get glasses (I know, so sympathetic.)

Then, approximately a week ago, the headaches started getting bad. He turned into a grouchy and miserable zombie and didn't want to do anything. He would snap at me, then quickly follow that up with "I'm sorry, I don't feel well." It continued to get worse, and I started to get a little nervous. Then, I came home from work one morning and he told me he had lumps on his scalp. I felt the back of his head, and noticed two solid masses, each bigger than a quarter. I freaked out, jumped out of bed, and right on WebMD. What a horrible idea that was! Within a few seconds, I had his diagnosis narrowed down to a brain aneurysm or tumor. Lovely.

He was also searching on his phone (in a slightly less erratic state than I was) and found a reputable site that said to watch the lumps for a month and if there was no change, or if they became worse, to go get them checked. Fine. I agreed to watch them like a hawk and if I noticed them getting bigger at all, he was going in. Well, that lasted a whole 24 hours.

I got home from work the following morning (Monday) and he said he woke up in the middle of the night and felt like he was falling out of bed. The room was spinning, his head was throbbing, and his scalp was burning. The lumps seemed to be getting bigger, so we scheduled an appointment for that evening when he got off work (his job doesn't like to let him have time off for anything, not even a possible brain tumor. He actually got in trouble for taking a couple of emergency days off with me when Eden died and I had to have surgery.)

Okay, so by this point I was totally freaking out. Sobbing. I had diagnosed him myself, and I was trying to prepare myself for the news. Now, I know I really need to stay away from the internet when I am stressed about something, but I can't help it. I'm a researcher. I might be horrible at it sometimes, but in my twisted mind it makes me feel more at ease to have a bad answer than no answer at all. At least that gives me something to plan for and I'm not blindsided by awful news when it comes (like I was with Eden.)

So I curled up on the bed in our office and watched Chris work. Still sobbing. Imagining his funeral. Wondering what I was going to do with all of our bills. Thinking about the birth of our baby and how our little one would never know his father. That started a whole new roll of sobs. I pictured myself holding a perfect tiny version of Chris and thought of what it would be like to raise our son without him. I thought of the baby growing and talking and walking and looking just like him...learning how to play the guitar...obsessing over was a long freaking morning.

We finally got to the doctor's office and thank goodness it was not a long wait. After about an hour of blood work, neurological tests, a vision screening, and lots of poking and prodding, we learned...I'm a drama queen. Stroke? No. Tumor? Nope. Aneurysm? Nada. Vision? Just fine. Blood cell count? A little high. The doctor said that he was not concerned, and he would take more blood to have it tested thoroughly, but all of the major risks were ruled out. The lumps? Swollen lymph nodes caused by allergies.

We got his blood work results yesterday. Apparently, he has some sort of virus in his bloodstream. Again, doctor said it is nothing to be concerned about. He gave Chris a simple medicine routine to follow over the next week or two, and if he does not start feeling better, he'll go back in for further testing to find out specifically what the virus is and treat it that way. After only two days on his medicine, he is already starting to feel better and I feel like I have my husband back.

What is the moral of this story? Pregnancy hormones suck. But more importantly, I am so thankful for Chris. He does so much for me and he is going to be an amazing dad. Lastly, it is time to grow up. Tomorrow is not promised to anybody, and I've always approached that from an emotional standpoint. Practically, I would be screwed if anything happened to Chris. I could support myself and our child on my income, but what would I do with all of his bills? Funeral costs? It disgusts me to even have to think of these things, but we have a baby that will be here before we know it and it is time to really get things in line.

I got a quote for life insurance for Chris and our baby yesterday (I'm covered through  my job), and we'll be going to fill out the paperwork next week. It is so much more reasonable than I thought it would be, and I know a lot of you out there believe it is frivolous for "young people" to buy life insurance, but this week has taught me that you never know what the future has in store for you. I would much rather skip a meal at a nice restaurant once a month to cover insurance costs than to ever be put in a situation where I wished I had the coverage and didn't. I pray that we'll pay for this for 70 years and never use it...even then, in my opinion, it will still be money well spent.


  1. I am so sorry you went through all of this. What a relief to know it's not something more serious.

    I don't think it is foolish at all to have good life insurance as well as a matter the age. Especially if you have children, one must plan for the worst and hope for the best. Kyle and I always joke that he is worth more (financially) dead than he is alive!

    Besides...the younger you are, the less it will cost to buy insutance. You wait until you are old and you risk becoming uninsurable!

  2. Thanks, Danielle! I looked at this post when I got home from work and just said to Chris "That is waaaaay too long. Nobody is going to read it." I feel good about the decision we made. If it does nothing but chill me out, it is worth it. :)