Friday, August 5, 2011

This Is My Diary.

Hormonal vent to follow: So, here I am, awake at 04:16 on my only night off from work this week. I sat in bed for over an hour, staring at the ceiling and wondering whether or not I wanted to jump on and write about this or not. I flashed back to having dinner with a good friend earlier this week. He sat down in the booth on the other side of me, put up his hand to give me a high-five, and congratulated me on the "realest blog ever." This has become my sanity in everything that I've gone through, and whether people like all that I write or not, going back and reading my highs and lows of the last 8 months has been so therapeutic for me. It is my diary, but I don't lock it up and hide it under my bed. I share it with anyone who chooses to read it and pray that somehow it speaks to them. This morning? I'm I'll write.

Let me start out by saying that I have the most loyal, loving, and devoted husband that a woman could ask for. He is not shy to tell anyone who asks him that I am his world. I trust him more than I ever thought possible, down to the very bottom of my heart. I know without a doubt that he would never, ever do anything to hurt me.

That said, let me introduce you to the beautiful world of pregnancy hormones. I woke up this morning feeling more insecure than I can ever remember feeling. I had a horrible dream: I was sitting at dinner with my mom and could not get Chris to text me back or answer my phone calls. I was concerned because there was a huge snow storm rolling in and he needed new tires on his car, so I wanted me to make sure he made it home safe before it hit and he was stuck out in it. I called, and called, and called. Finally, I got an answer and all I could hear was static and a female's voice. I assumed he was at his family's house and I headed home for the night, hoping he would meet me there.

I walked in to a dark and empty house. I went up to our bedroom and sat on our bed, waiting for him to come home. When he finally walked in, I asked him how the roads were and why he was not responding to my text messages or phone calls. He was really quiet and seemed annoyed, so I questioned a little bit further to make sure he was okay. Finally, he said he was over at his friend, Cody's house. I asked who the female was on the line when I called (assuming it was Cody's wife) and Chris changed his story. He said he had been home the whole time, but he had a friend over. Someone I had not met. Her name was Ashley and he had just given her a ride home.

I asked what they were doing, and Chris said she was there to help him clean. We have a general rule (with exceptions, of course) that one of us is not to be alone with a member of the opposite sex in our house without the other one home. He was still acting sort of strange, but eventually (after more questioning) he went on to tell me that I was not beautiful anymore now that I was pregnant and he was more attracted to Ashley because she didn't have a baby stretching her out. He wanted to spend time with her because she did not sleep all day, he didn't have to hear her throw up, and her body looked how a body was "supposed to look." They could just go out, have fun, and not worry about a baby in her stomach.

That's around the time I woke up. I didn't realize that I was feeling so insecure, but as I was laying there trying to fall back asleep, so many emotions surfaced that I didn't know I had. This has nothing to do with Chris. In my dream, he was just the voice of my own subconscious. I am so thankful for this baby, but I feel like an outsider in my body. I'm only in the beginning of my second trimester, and everything is changing so much. It is not just weight shifting (which is weird...I have not gained a pound but I feel huge! It is all migrating to my stomach.) My skin is breaking out, the hair on my head is frizzy, the hair on my body grows back faster than I can shave it, I have dark circles under my eyes that won't go away, my teeth feel dirty no matter how many times I brush them, none of my clothes fit, I get winded walking up the stairs, and my idea of spending time with my husband is sleeping next to him on the couch while he watches television. Romantic.

I know that my body is busy creating a miracle. I am so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to create a life. I am growing my child inside of myself, and there is nothing more incredible to think about. Honestly, if God told me that the only way for my baby to be healthy was for me to give up showering, shaving, makeup, and to gain 500 pounds, I would do it without blinking an eye. It is just strange and new for me. I've never thought of myself as a vain person, but I've always been fairly comfortable with myself. I felt pretty. Lately, I haven't. I love my life, I love my husband, and I love this baby that is growing inside of me more than anything. I'm very blessed. I need to stop being so damn shallow.

There you go, how's that for real?

1 comment:

  1. Totally Normal!!! I felt so ugly when I was pregnant! My hubs always would tell me I am beautiful and when I got pregnant He would just tell me I got even prettier cuz I was Carrying OUR child! Your the same way! You are so beautiful even with the stretching and acne (fun I know). I am so happy for you! It is totally worth all the zits ands mood swings when your baby comes! Just warning though...The dreams get wierder the further along you get! I had some crazy dreams with Lucy and th Funny thing is Tys started having crazy dreams too! Haha
    BEst Wishes for you and Chris!
    Kaylee :)

    P.S. I alwasy sign my name on your post cuz for some reason it always say I am posting annomous! Just FYI for yoU :)