Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Waiting For Rain.

I am in a funk. After the scare with Chris that I wrote about last week, I have felt like something bad is coming. We dodged that bullet, but ours is in the air. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. The devil? I have never been big on karma or "getting what is coming to you." God is in control of all that happens, good and bad. So why can't I shake this?

I don't want to go into detail on this, but I also had a pretty serious health scare a couple of days ago. It is something I decided to keep between Chris and myself, I don't even want to talk to family about it. It didn't have anything to do with the baby, so you don't have to worry there. However, I walked into an appointment on Monday fully expecting to walk out with life-shattering news. Things are okay for now, which I'm so thankful for, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think of it as yet another dodged bullet. Another missed opportunity for whatever evil is out to get my family to latch on...

I pray for God to protect us. I pray for Him to take away the feelings I have. I need to stop waiting for everything to come crashing down around me. Right now, I'm okay. Chris is okay. Baby is okay. What am I so afraid of?

I'm scared to death to buy anything for our baby. I'm coming up on 17 weeks, and I can't even bring myself to walk through the baby clothes at the store. I tried to look at little Converse sneakers last night online, and just about sent myself into a full blown panic attack. Other people have been buying things, and that's fine. It is their money. I would rather have my money saved up to pay for medical care if something goes wrong. When I lost Eden, I had to come up with a huge amount of cash before they would even let me schedule my surgery. I pray, and I pray, and I pray that this baby is not going anywhere...but somewhere in my mind I'm afraid that if I buy something, things will go bad and I will be left holding the sneakers or diapers or blanket and wishing I had the cash to pay for the medical procedure instead.

I feel like a sick and messed up person. I don't talk about these things openly with friends and family, and I'd rather not. I'll leave it here, and if people choose to read it, they can. I feel like it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have. I wouldn't trade where I'm at in my life for anything in the world, and I'm madly in love with my husband and baby. I know there are so many women that would kill to be pregnant (I was there for over a year...) and I don't want them to read this and think I don't want what I have. I just feel like, at least for now, my glass-half-full outlook on life is taking a break on me.


  1. Sarah, I can't even imagine the thoughts in your head and heart right now but I want you to know that we are praying for you, Chris and your baby. I have never gone through an experience like yours but even so, I worry all the time about Tayven and this little one. Many times I have to remind myself that I can only do so much to protect them but ultimately, they are God's children first. I watch the news and hear all the crazy stories about little toddlers and babies dying from ridiculous things and it really freaks me out! I want to lock my door and never let my kids out! I know it is hard right now to do but try to start giving your babies protection to God, because those feelings you have will overtake you. I don't think you sound ungrateful at all, you sound like a mom who only wants the best for her baby. We will keep praying for God to watch over your family not only physically but mentally and spiritually as well. Being pregnant can bring out some crazy thoughts and emotions but it sounds like you have a great support system with your family and friends. If you ever need anything, really ANYTHING, please call me! Especially after my baby is born, I will be sitting at home with nothing to do. . . so I would love to chat and hang out with you more! Love you Sarah!