Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Waiting For Rain.
I am in a funk. After the scare with Chris that I wrote about last week, I have felt like something bad is coming. We dodged that bullet, but ours is in the air. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. The devil? I have never been big on karma or "getting what is coming to you." God is in control of all that happens, good and bad. So why can't I shake this?
I don't want to go into detail on this, but I also had a pretty serious health scare a couple of days ago. It is something I decided to keep between Chris and myself, I don't even want to talk to family about it. It didn't have anything to do with the baby, so you don't have to worry there. However, I walked into an appointment on Monday fully expecting to walk out with life-shattering news. Things are okay for now, which I'm so thankful for, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think of it as yet another dodged bullet. Another missed opportunity for whatever evil is out to get my family to latch on...
I pray for God to protect us. I pray for Him to take away the feelings I have. I need to stop waiting for everything to come crashing down around me. Right now, I'm okay. Chris is okay. Baby is okay. What am I so afraid of?
I'm scared to death to buy anything for our baby. I'm coming up on 17 weeks, and I can't even bring myself to walk through the baby clothes at the store. I tried to look at little Converse sneakers last night online, and just about sent myself into a full blown panic attack. Other people have been buying things, and that's fine. It is their money. I would rather have my money saved up to pay for medical care if something goes wrong. When I lost Eden, I had to come up with a huge amount of cash before they would even let me schedule my surgery. I pray, and I pray, and I pray that this baby is not going anywhere...but somewhere in my mind I'm afraid that if I buy something, things will go bad and I will be left holding the sneakers or diapers or blanket and wishing I had the cash to pay for the medical procedure instead.
I feel like a sick and messed up person. I don't talk about these things openly with friends and family, and I'd rather not. I'll leave it here, and if people choose to read it, they can. I feel like it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have. I wouldn't trade where I'm at in my life for anything in the world, and I'm madly in love with my husband and baby. I know there are so many women that would kill to be pregnant (I was there for over a year...) and I don't want them to read this and think I don't want what I have. I just feel like, at least for now, my glass-half-full outlook on life is taking a break on me.