Saturday, May 19, 2012


My little buddy.

I should have put my hair under "Nolan Loves" because he is kind of obsessed.

The one smile I captured all day.

He just wanted to talk instead.

Officially as big as Scruffy!

How is this possible?

Three Months.

This post is a couple of days late. I've been pretty busy with work Anyways, little boy is a quarter of a year old! He is such an amazing baby and I don't have to have a more difficult child to know how blessed I am. He puts himself to sleep every night. He hardly ever cries. He smiles and laughs and hugs and coos like nobody's business.

I miss not being able to be with him all day, every day. He is learning and growing so fast. He has just become enthralled by his toys. This morning he woke up before I was ready to get out of bed so I put a little stuffed elephant in his cradle with him. He went nuts! He gets this hilarious look in his eyes when he is focusing really hard on something. He sort of squints and goes cross eyed and bats at whatever he is playing with. I could watch him for hours.

His hair is getting longer so I can put a little bit of Vaseline in it and spike it into a mohawk. He looks adorable. It never stays up for very long though.

He is still wearing 0-3 month clothes with a couple of 3-6 month items thrown in here and there. We had to switch him to size 2 diapers which I was a little sad about. We have a bunch of size 1 diapers that will now be turned into a diaper cake or something.

He laughed for the first time on April 27 and rolled over for the first time from tummy to back on May 15.

I had a hard time getting him to smile for his 3 month pictures. He is really interested in the camera and whenever I take it out, he stops whatever he is doing and stares at it. When the camera is put away, he basically never stops smiling. He has the most handsome, crooked smile. He won't laugh regularly. I've only been able to get about 5 deep belly laughs out of him. He giggles at the most random things! The first time he really laughed, I was pretending to tickle him. Now he just laughs at me laughing. He kills me.

Now, it is time for Nolan Loves and Nolan Doesn't Like!

Nolan Loves:
  • Clapping. I'll clap his hands together and say "Clap, clap, clap, clap!" If it doesn't get a belly laugh, it at least gets a major smile every single time.
  • Toys. His favorites are his plastic keys and rattles. He loves anything with a ring he can grab onto.
  • Family. He is starting to recognize faces other than ours. He is starting to greet his grandparents with some pretty big smiles.
  • Eating. I am pretty sure it is another growth spurt, but he is up to 7 ounces a feeding.
  • The Swaddle Game. I'd rather it not be a game, but he loves it. Whenever we try to swaddle him at night, he "walks out of it" and grins up at us. It might be time to retire the swaddle.
  • Licking. I call him my little lint licker. He discovered his tongue and it was all downhill from there.
Nolan Doesn't Like:
  • Lotion. I hated it when I was little, too. No big deal.
  • Sleeping In. Once 6:30 rolls around, he is up for the day!
I struggled with the "Doesn't Like" section this time. He is seriously so laid-back. Feed him, hug him, and talk to him...he's happy. How did I get so lucky?

This picture is so sweet that I am choosing to ignore that he's flipping of the camera. You should too.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Deeper Level Of Love.

Today is Mother's Day. It is filled with so many more emotions than I expected. Last year, this day tore my heart out. I was a mother with no baby to hold. I remember driving home from work at 7:00 that morning, watching the sun rise over the mountains, and wishing time would stop. I didn't want the day to continue. I wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend like Mother's Day didn't exist. But it did...and I survived.

This year, I get to drive home from work and give my son a kiss before I crawl in bed. I get to smell his hair and hear his cry when he wakes me up 15 minutes into my slumber for his middle of the night meal. I get to soak in his smile when he realizes I'm home and that I can't wait to pick him up to cuddle. I get to enjoy that private moment that we share every morning around 3:15 as his daddy sleeps next to us, oblivious. I get to kiss his forehead a hundred times over as he stares into my eyes over his bottle. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe it.

I wish I could say my heart was full and healed this Mother's Day, but it is not. It is still broken. It is broken for a woman and her husband that I've never even met. They are in the middle of a hell that I can't imagine. I have followed this woman's blog for a while and I can't stop thinking about her or her sweet babes in heaven. I want to hug her and let her cry and listen to her talk about her babies for as long as she needs to, but I can't. However, there is something I can do to help.

I would like to encourage you to read her story in her own words (warning: it contains extremely heartbreaking material and pictures), but I will share this taken from her fundraising website:

Help the Rasmussen family continue their dream of having a family.

No parent should have to bury their child. Yet on April 24, 2012 Dereck and Becky Rasmussen lost their second baby in less than two years. This fundraiser has been set up to help them continue their dream of building a bigger family.

Dereck and Becky tried to get pregnant for over two years before seeing a positive pregnancy test in July 2010. Liam Maximilian Rasmussen lived to be 26 gestational weeks old. He underwent a very safe fetal surgery on January 3, 2011 in an attempt to repair a neural tube defect and lost his life due to cardiac arrest after the surgery.

The fetal surgery and C-section left Becky at a slightly higher risk for pregnancy complications in the future, but doctors were confident that, if properly monitored, she could still have a healthy baby. Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen developed without complication. Her scheduled C--section date was April 27, 2012. On April 22, Becky's uterus ruptured, putting both Evelynn and herself at risk. Despite quick acting doctors and a well staffed NICU, trauma from the uterine rupture left Evelynn without brain activity and she was taken off life support at just two days old.

The uterine rupture has left Becky and Dereck with very few options to grow their family, and medical expenses are already overwhelming. They're exploring options for surrogacy and adoption at this time, but both options will require more money.

Friends, family, and many who don't even know the Rasmussen's have asked what they can do for the family, as they grieve Evelynn's loss. Why not give financially to their dream of building a family, through adoption or surrogacy, in the future? This fund will go toward medical expenses to help them have the baby they've been trying for.

If anyone deserves to bring a baby home, it is Becky. How much more beautiful of a Mother's Day gift can one give? I wanted to pass on this opportunity to my friends and family. It isn't often that something like this comes along. How incredible would it be for her to come home tonight from choosing flowers for her little girl's burial and see a massive surge in funds bringing her that much closer to having a child to bring home? Please, help me. Pass this on. Share my link, share her link, share this story. Make this a Mother's Day she will be able to look back on and smile through her tears.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the beautiful mothers in this world.

Saturday, May 12, 2012


I came back to work on May 2. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I would rather give birth a thousand times over before going through that first night back again. I hadn't been gone from my boy for longer than an hour or two since he was created and all of a sudden I was leaving him for eleven. That is a long time.

I spent the evening of May 1 cuddling and loving on Nolan like I was never going to see him again. I sobbed through his entire bath thinking about how I wouldn't have the opportunity to bathe him again for five days. The absolute worst part was when I got him out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel. I wanted to spend some time rocking him in his room before putting him to bed so I decided I'd just keep him wrapped up and love on him before getting him dressed and ready for bed. We sat down in the chair with just the dim light from the hall coming into the room. Nolan peeked around his towel and gave me one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen. He was so happy to be snuggling instead of going straight to bed like he usually does after he bathes. Well...I lost it. I burst into tears. My poor little love's smile instantly turned to a pouty lip and he followed my cue. We sat there crying together for a few minutes. Then I decided he needed to get dressed and go to bed before I depressed him any more.

I spent most of that night hoping he would wake up to eat so I could hold him a little while longer. I couldn't wait to get up with him the next day so I could get in every second possible before leaving to work at 5:00 that evening. Every time he smiled at me, I cried. I felt like I was abandoning him. All I could think about was how he has always had me right there and all of a sudden I was just going to be gone. It wasn't like I could explain to him where I was going. I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care. I didn't want him to need me when I couldn't be there with him. With each smile I saw a baby in love with his mommy. A baby that had no idea that in a few short hours, his mommy was going to leave and she wouldn't be back until he woke up the next morning for breakfast.

I held myself together pretty well until my mom showed up to sit with him until Chris got home (we had less than an hour between our shifts that was not covered that night and our house is on my mom's way home from work so she offered to just come over.) I was sitting on the floor with Nolan and she offered to take him so I could finish getting ready for work. Sobs. I couldn't even get words out of my mouth. Finally I was able to say "I...don'" Ugh, I really shouldn't be typing this at work...

I got in the shower and piled on eyeliner in hopes that it would keep me from crying more because I wouldn't want it to run down my face. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. I couldn't even look at my baby. I literally had to sneak out the door without telling him goodbye or I would have lost it again. I walked out covering my eyes and saying to my mom "I can't look at him. I can't look at him. I love you. Bye." As soon as I got in my car, I blasted some angry rap music and rolled down my windows. I guess I have a strange way of coping but it worked. I was okay (sad, but okay) by the time I got to work.

The next morning when buddy boy and I got up for the day, he did not want me to put him down. He has never been an overly cuddly baby but that day he clung to me like nothing I've ever seen. I carried him in his Moby wrap for hours and he snuggled up to my chest and gripped onto my shirt like his little life depended on it. If I tried to lay him down for a nap, he screamed. I didn't mind one bit. I carried my little one on my chest the entire freaking day and I loved every second of it.

After my first day back, things got easier. Not easy. Easier. I'm trucking along and getting through it because I realize that being a mommy requires more of me than just loving my baby. It is my responsibility to provide for him and for right now, that means I have to work. I wish it didn't, but that is a sacrafice I am willing to make to be sure that Nolan has everything he needs. I will do anything for him. This includes leaving him with his loving daddy while I sit away from him for eleven hours a night. I miss him but I can do this. For him.

Saturday, May 5, 2012


I don't know what in the world just happened. I had this conversation about ten minutes ago at the jewelry store while I was getting my wedding ring and the opal I wear for Eden cleaned:

Jeweler: Is opal your birthstone?
Me: No, it is my baby's. (Oh, no...)
Jeweler: Oh, my birthstone is opal too. My birthday is in October.
Me: Oh, that's cool. (Praying this is where the conversation will end. Nope)
Jeweler: When is your baby's birthday?
Me: October 7. (It just came out of my mouth.)
Jeweler: Fun! Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
Jeweler: What is her name?
Me: Eden.
Jeweler: How old is she?
Me: (Not able to do the math quick enough to figure out how old my Eden really would have been...) 1 year.
Jeweler: That is such a fun age! Is she getting around pretty well?
Me: Yeah, she is all over the place!
Jeweler: Is she at the climbing stage yet?
Me: Yep, she is a wild little one. She is so much fun though.
Jeweler: You just wait.

I smiled and just let the conversation die out from there. So...that was weird. I don't know why I did that. I guess "October 7" seemed like a better answer to "When is your baby's birthday?" than "Oh, she was never born." I suppose I could have filled in the blanks with Nolan's information but it isn't a ring for is for Eden. Oh well.