Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Beautiful Day.

Confession: I was scared to death to write my last post. Part of me wanted to hide out in my house and pretend I was too tired to spend time with people because I work overnight. I figured if I absolutely had to leave home, I could probably get away with really baggy shirts for a while. I knew people wouldn't dare question my belly, knowing what happened to me in March. I wanted to spare my loved ones from any possible pain my body might cause them. Somehow I had twisted it in my mind to where I felt like telling=losing. I didn't want to look like a failure and I really did not want to hurt people more than I already have.

But then I saw that face...that teeny little human who is 100 percent dependant on me and knows nothing other than to trust my body to nurture him. My body is his home. The same body that I was so angry at for failing me and has turned around to create a new and beautiful child and has provided him with a secure bed inside of my belly. My baby is just chilling in there without a care in the world. He is pure and relaxed and letting God do His thing. I decided to take a lesson from my little one...take a deep breath, chill out, and let God do what He is going to do. I need to trust in Him like my baby is trusting in me.

For me, fully trusting meant fully acknowledging all that is happening in my life. It was time to come out of the pregnancy closet. I have been hiding for months now (which has not been easy, this belly is out of control.) I'm so happy I announced it, I feel absolutely surrounded by love and prayer. Now I'll have tons to blog about. Yay!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I've Been Keeping A Secret.

It is a good one, too.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

I'm pregnant.

It still feels sort of weird to say...or type...out loud. Chris and I decided to wait a little bit longer to tell people this time around. I feel the need to clarify that this is not because I would be ashamed if I had another miscarriage. I still firmly stand by my belief that my little one(s) deserve to be acknowledged and loved from the very beginning. However, the pain from our loss was still so raw in so many hearts that if, God forbid, something were to go wrong with this one, it would cause so much pain to people I love and I realized that this time I had the ability to keep them from that pain. That is why we chose to wait. I hope you all understand.

With that said, on to the fun stuff! Things are awesome. I feel so blessed and overjoyed. I found out on the morning of June 2 (the day before Chris' 25th birthday.) I decided that I wanted to surprise him this time, so I ran to Ross right after I tested and found a baby bib that says "Daddy's Hugs Are The Best!" I took it home and wrapped it up, knowing he would think it was the Hurley hat that he wanted for his birthday. When he opened it, he had the most confused look on his face. I honestly think he thought it was for him to wear. Then I pulled the pregnancy test out of my pocket and showed him. We were excited, but shocked. Remember how in my Mother's Day post I mentioned that my mom was pregnant with me 30 days after her miscarriage? Well, I was pregnant with this little one 35 days after my miscarriage. Crazy, huh?

We kept it to ourselves for a couple of days, then decided to tell our immediate family. Everyone had basically the same reaction as we did: shocked but excited. Our friends Cindy and Cody happened to be at the party when we announced it to my family, so they were lucky and in the loop from the beginning. We decided that was all we would tell for a while.

As for the medical side of far, so good! I had heard wonderful things about baby aspirin from so many people that I started taking one pill daily after my loss in April. Then, my midwife started me on progesterone supplements at 4 weeks, along with upping my dosage of thyroid medication. Those pills along with my prenatal vitamins, DHA supplements, and lots of fruit, veggies, and water, have become my new daily routine. It is a lot to remember (not to mention a lot to swallow) but it seems to be working! I've been in for ultrasounds at least once every two weeks and baby is amazing.

One thing that is sort of annoying is that my uterus is in a very strange position in my body. She has to basically turn the ultrasound wand all the way to the left to even get any sort of picture (ouch!) This has made dating by measurement basically impossible. I'm 12ish weeks. That estimate is nothing more than a very educated guess at this point, and as of today I am due sometime in early February. I'll keep you updated as baby gets bigger and hopefully my uterus starts shifting a little more to the middle.

So, what made me decide to share our news now? Well, our ultrasound today was incredible. We had heard the heartbeat a few times already and even saw the little blob baby wiggle a little two weeks ago, but today was a whole new level of mind-blowing. As soon as she pulled it up on the screen, there was no searching, no squinting, no denying...that was our baby. The little stinker was bouncing all over the place! He (I'll refer to baby as a "he" until I'm proven wrong) kept moving his arms up to hide his face and kicking his legs. We got some adorable pictures of his tiny feet crossed and you can make out 10 little toes.

I can't tell you what it was like to see that wild child and know that was happening inside of my own body. I could not stop laughing. It was so surreal. I will admit, it took me a little bit longer to bond with this baby. I was protecting myself and part of me was waiting for it to end (horrible, I know.) But nothing can describe the love I have in my heart at this moment. I can't get his perfect profile out of my mind. As of right now, I have a very active and very healthy little one growing like crazy inside of me and I could not be more happy.

I'll post some pictures soon! I promise. Prayers are very much appreciated. We are not out of the woods yet. I don't think I'll feel fully confident until I'm holding this baby in my arms. Please, God...let me keep this one.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Tears In Heaven.

On July 19, I lost a very dear friend and the most pure and loving spirit I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Rest well, Mike. You will be missed and are loved more than you'll ever know. I'm sure you'll give God a run for His money up there now that you can run and talk and play in ways your body prevented you from doing on earth. Hug and kiss your mama like I know you've been waiting to do for a long time. Thank you for the 17 years that you spent teaching me about patience, perseverance, and unconditional love. You will never, ever be forgotten. I'll think of you forever, buddy.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Best Five Years.

5 years ago today, I became my best friend's girlfriend. I knew from the beginning that I would be his wife. I remember the first time I saw him. He is the only person in the world I can say that about. Thank you, Chris, for the best 5 years ever. Many more to come...

Cheesy, late-night, love-stricken smiles...
                                        Back when everything was important enough to photograph...
                                       He fell asleep holding my hand, I couldn't take my eyes off him...
                                                                      My favorite hand to hold...
                                                                     Oh, young love...

(These are all from years ago and taken with my old camera phone, so sorry for the poor quality. They're precious, though.)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Getting Back On Track.

Where has this blog gone? I started this with such strong feelings and had a clear vision of where it was headed. Somewhere between there and here, it turned into my public diary. Life doesn't always go as planned (obviously), but I'm really hoping to get back to my original goal here. I was made to help people and this blog was to push me out of my comfort zone and document my doing so. What happened?

I think I have my next project. I have had a passion for fundraising since I was a little girl. I heard a story on the news when I was around 13 about a family who lost everything, including a young baby, in a house fire. I spent weeks walking door to door asking people for money for this family, then tracked down where they were staying and handed them a large envelope with hundreds of dollars in cash inside. It just seemed like the logical thing to do, and I had no idea why nobody else was doing it. (I know now that it was probably pretty dangerous just walking door to door like that and I'm lucky more people didn't turn me away or call the cops, but what did I know back then?)

A few years ago, I planned a yard sale to raise money for The Huntsman Cancer Institute. It started out pretty simple: I just wanted to do something to help out. I honestly wasn't expecting much.

What I got?
  • Thousands of donations (including a hot tub and a new mountain bike from a local sporting goods store)
  • Food, drinks, condiments, and baked goods (curtosy of local grocery stores and family) to feed my helpers and sell to everyone else
  • Countless incredible volunteers
  • Banners, bracelets, and other promotional items donated by The Huntsman Cancer Institute
  • A giant check (just under $3,000) from a yard sale to give them in return
  • A truckload of awesome items left over to donate to Big Brothers, Big Sisters of Utah
It was the most exhausting thing I have ever done and by the end of that day, I felt like a zombie. But honestly, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. So...I think I'm going to.

The wheels started spinning after death of my brother's friend, Nick. I'm ready to start a new project. I don't know when it will happen (my Huntsman project took over a year), but once I get this way there is no stopping me. Hopefully this is what I need to get back on track!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Another Funny.

So, my last post was depressing. Here's a funny story to even things out:

For our honeymoon, Chris and I drove to Newport, Oregon and stayed in a condo on the beach for a week. It was amazing, relaxing, and our time to exhale after a year of wedding planning. We were both so exhausted that we spent most evenings in, watching true crime shows and freaking ourselves out (romantic, right?) Through the night, I think the mixture of sea air, exhaustion, and being in an unfamiliar environment really got to me. I would fall into a deep, deep sleep, then wake up in the middle of the night dazed, confused, and with no clue where I was at. I was also having very vivid dreams. I haven't experienced anything like that week of sleep in my life.

On night 3 or 4, we were sleeping after a long night of murder mystery shows (with the hall light on, I might add...) and I woke up to this strange noise and Chris on the very edge of the bed kicking me and screaming "Sarah! Sarah! Wake up!" So I opened my eyes, totally baffled and wondering what I did to deserve this sort of abuse. I asked him what was wrong and he said "You were having a seizure!" Huh?!

Then it all came flooding back. The dream. I was in a bunker house with a bunch of ghosts (from the crime shows) that were trying to communicate with me. The only problem? Ghosts speak blue whale, of course. So there I was, trying to help the poor lost souls find their bunk beds by loudly "speaking their language."


In the dark. In my sleep. In bed with my brand new husband. So, still feeling slightly dazed, I decide to calm Chris' nerves by yelling "THE GHOSTS SPEAK BLUE WHALE!" then rolling over to go back to sleep.

Then I realized the severity of the situation. He thought I was having a seizure! So what did he do? Got as far away from me as possible (except for his feet which he used to kick me as hard as he could over and over), and screamed at me. Way to go, First Responder Chris. Way. To. Go.

We still laugh so hard about this. I don't know how this story slipped my mind when I wrote my post on how funny our life is. Sometimes, late at night when he is half asleep, I'll bust out in my whale song to freak him out. He doesn't find that part nearly as hilarious as I do.

Emo. Tio. Nal.

Happy 4th of July!

Enter: Crazy, emotional lady.
Today has been...a day. I feel like I'm slightly off my rocker. I got off work at 7:00 in the morning on the 4th, and it ended with a tragic call (for those who don't know, I'm a dispatcher) which sort of set the tone. I went home and went to bed, then woke up in tears. I was sad that I missed the parade. I was sad that I woke up alone (Chris was having fun with his family, which I also felt like I was missing out on.) I was sad I wasn't in Michigan on vacation with my dad. I was sad that the 4th of July was almost over and I had slept all day. I was sad that Paisley was going to be scared of the fireworks. I was sad that  my mom was home by herself on a holiday. I was sad that my brother had to work.

I sat on my couch and cried. A little emo? I think so.

But Chris got home and told me to pull myself together so we could have some fun. I got dressed and we brought Paisley over to my mom's so they would both have some company. Then we walked around the park to look at the different vendors. We grabbed dinner and ice cream, went back to my mom's house, and spent some time laughing on her back porch with her and the dogs.

We made it home before dark so I didn't hit any children lighting off fireworks in the street and instead of staying up for the rest of the festivities, we just went to bed. I snuggled up with Paisley and pulled the blanket up over her ears so she couldn't hear the fireworks. We just slept until I had to get up and go to work.

Normally I love the 4th of July! Oh well, we'll try again next year.