Tomorrow should have been your birthday. I didn't know what I wanted to do for you, but I knew I wanted something that I could look back on to remember how I felt at exactly this moment. God decided (and I'm sure you helped) that Daddy and I needed your birthday off work so we could celebrate you. We are leaving tonight to Park City to stay in a beautiful hotel and enjoy our time together without any interruptions. Daddy is excited about the calamari at the restaurant that is downstairs in the hotel...I'm excited about what is supposed to be the most comfortable hotel bed in Utah. We're both excited for the mini-roadtrip (we're taking the long way), the change in scenery, and the gummy worms your little brother is demanding for the drive.
We had an ultrasound and got to see Nolan yesterday. I know that you see how big he is getting. It is so much fun to watch him wiggle around and to see how much he grows from visit to visit. We got a good look at his little face for the first time and Daddy thinks he has my nose. I wonder who you would have looked like. I picture you as a little girl version of Daddy with his nose and mouth, but my curly platinum blond hair. I can't help but think of you and what your ultrasounds would look like right now every time we walk in the doors of the Women's Center to see your little brother. I know you and God are working together to keep him safe and growing big and strong for us...he has a beautiful angel watching after him and I'll make sure he knows that when he is big enough to understand.
I think about earlier this year and how much I couldn't wait for tomorrow to be here. I felt like time was going by so slow and October 7th was a lifetime away. After we lost you, it seemed like all I did was blink and your due date was here. I wanted to be pregnant again by the time it came and although I can't wait to meet Nolan, it doesn't make me miss you any less. I wish you were still here. You were my first unexpected burst of tears after the positive pregnancy test that your Daddy and I had been waiting almost a year for, the first hug as I ran into his office and held up the test with shaking hands and let him know that you were growing in my belly, my first experience sitting in a doctor's office and hearing a heartbeat that was not my own coming from inside of my body, my first prayer for a child that I tried with everything in me to keep safe but in the end could not...
Nolan will come home and live in our house and I will get to hold him and snuggle him just like I spent 13 weeks dreaming of doing with you, but you will always be my first experience of love felt from a mother to her baby. You taught me to appreciate every bit of my new pregnancy and to never take a second of my time with your little brother for granted. I feel at peace knowing that you are spending what would have been your birthday up in Heaven and you are more taken care of than you ever could have been down here. When you left us, you were so tiny and frail but now you are perfect and strong and I'm sure your blond curls are blowing all over the place as you dance around up there.
So many people are thinking of you and loving you this week, little girl. Tomorrow will be spent in the mountains without phones or computers. It will just be Nolan, Daddy, and Mommy together in the middle of nowhere remembering you and celebrating what is to come. I'm sorry for writing this letter a day early but tomorrow needs to just be us...you understand. I love you and I will never stop missing you or thinking of you.
Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet baby...XOXO
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