Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Really?! Anything else?

*It's a b%#ch-fest. You've been warned.*

I am trying so hard to stay optimistic. To stay positive. To set an example. I know I have people reading this that are looking for guidance and proof that life does go on. Things get better. I get that. The truth is, I honestly believe with everything in me that what I stand for is reality. Life sucks, then it gets better, then it sucks again. The last year and a half, my family's life has sucked a lot. We have had more handed to us than a lot of people realize and honestly I don't know how we survived it. Losing my baby was just the tip of an ugly, monstrous iceberg.

Yet, we remain together and that keeps us strong. We each have our support, the one we know we can lean on and cry to. I spend a lot of my time crying to God. Life is so unfair, and I don't understand why we have been put through the things we have. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand. I just trust with all of my heart that our hurt and our suffering has not been in vain. He has a purpose for every tear we have cried and I refuse to let myself forget that.

But at some point, shouldn't things start looking up? It seems like lately I've been living my life waiting for the walls to come crashing down again. What is the point in rebuilding? I felt like things were okay today. I have felt pretty good all week, actually. Then, this morning Chris comes in our room to tell me that my dog, Star, has cancer. The dog that my mom told me we would never get, only to come walking in with her as a fluffy puppy to surprise me for my 13th birthday. The dog that spent every night from that moment until I moved out snuggling in bed with me. The dog now cries and runs to the door whenever she hears "Sissy is coming over!" because she knows that means I'll be there soon.

I remember thinking when I was younger about how destroyed I was going to be when this time came. I never wanted to say goodbye to my dog. But then I would reassure myself that I would be "old" by the time Star died. I would be at least 25! It would be so much easier because I would be older and more mature. Well, here I am, 6 days away from my 25th birthday. My family has been through hell already. I just lost my baby (and that isn't even the hell I'm talking about.) I guess this isn't the "perfect time" I imagined it being when I was 13.

We took her in for blood work yesterday and we should get the results this morning. She is still eating well and is very playful. If is was not for the giant lump under her skin, I would not even think she was sick. We are all hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. She is too old for chemotherapy. There is a possibility of surgery, but they worry about putting older dogs under anesthesia because sometimes they don't wake back up. My prayer is that it has not spread far and she can continue to live out her life. She does not seem like she is in pain and there is still so much life left in her. I hate the waiting game.

So, that's where we are now. On the inside I'm sad and I'm stressed and I am ready for things to start looking up again. I make a point every day to focus on everything I'm thankful for and the little things that make me happy.

                                                                      Like this girl...

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"You were only given this life because you're strong enough to live it."

I guess that is quite the compliment, huh?


  1. Sarah I am so sorry! I also have a quote you might like.
    "Tough times don't last, Tough people do!" I know whats its like to lose a baby, lose your pet and be struggling with other things. It does get better. I think at some point everyone needs to go through some hard times. Its what makes us stronger! If you ever need a friend please don't hesitate to call. You will make it though! I promise! You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. Wow. I am really at a loss for words. I'm sorry just doesn't seem good enough anymore. It seems like it's not even good enough to say at all. I can't wait to see you Friday and give you a giant hug. I may not be able to do much, but I can wrap my arms around you and show you love, support, and a listening ear. I love you friend.

  3. I just had a simular thing this past November. My dog I have had forever.... FOREVER! had to be put down due to kidney failure. I had to make the choice to put her down and it is so SO hard. It is still hard. she was 20 years old. And I never knew how much I would miss her. Having her in my life for 20 years and then not at all was a shock, even though I knew it was coming it was a shock. I know that this is a hard time Sarah, but life is a roller coaster with downs and ups all over! We just need to remember to look for the rainbows in our storms. We sometimes even have to search for them. I hope you can find a rainbow soon, and in the meantime, don't forget to remember good things and good memories. Lots of love your way chick. If ya need anything I am here for ya.