Thursday, May 19, 2011

Life Is Yours To Miss.

I just woke up from the most horrible dream. Chris was driving home and I was in the passenger seat. For some reason, we decided we needed to turn around and he tried to pull a u-turn on the busy highway by our house. He didn't quite make it, and the car slid off a cliff. Now, most people would wake up at this point, gasping for air and calming down after realizing they were home safe in their bed. Not me. My dream kept going. Our car flew through the air, smashing into rocks, rolling down the mountainside. Branches were busting through the windows and slicing up our arms and legs. I can still feel the nausea from being lifted up and down with every turn- gravity getting the best of me with only my seat belt to keep me in place. I looked down through my tears and realized our car was about to land upside down in a huge lake. Nobody would be able to see us from the highway. I looked over at Chris and he was staring at me. I said "I love you so much." and he said it back...then we hit the water.

I feel weird saying this, but instead of waking up from this dream upset, I feel encouraged. I died last night. The love of my life died too. Then I woke up and we were both alive, together in our bedroom. Sort of like a second chance. I have always been a firm believer in forgiveness. I refuse to hold grudges because life is so fragile. I will ask myself multiple times a week "If that person died in an hour, would I be okay with how our last conversation ended?" I'm not saying I don't have disagreements with people. I'm just saying I consciously force myself to love beyond the disagreements.

However, I have a lot of room to improve. I woke up thinking of the movie "PS, I Love You." If you haven't seen it, watch it. There is one part that no matter how many times I watch the dang show, I burst into tears. Holly wakes up in bed alone after Gerry has died. She is still groggy, and starts telling him that it is his turn to shut off the light. Then she realizes he isn't there. She hears music coming from the living room and gets out of bed with a huge smile on her face. She walks out and her Gerry is sitting there, singing and playing the guitar. She walks up behind him, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and tells him that she can't fall asleep alone. He says "I'm right here." Then she tells him she had a terrible dream and he says not to tell him about it. is getting me choked up just writing about it. (If you haven't seen it, click here.)

Confession time. Before Chris took me to see that movie in 2007, I would literally get jealous of his guitar. He spent so much time playing it and I felt like it was taking away from time he could be spending with me. I vividly remember sitting in the theater and realizing that if he was gone, I would kill to be able to hear him play again. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could I be so selfish? How many moments had I wasted that should have been such precious memories? We walked out to his car that night, and I told him I would never tell him to put down his guitar again. Now, listening to him play makes me so happy, I feel like my heart could explode.

So where am I going with this? Holly woke up from her dream, and her husband was still dead. I woke up from my dream, and my husband was in bed with me. I don't want to waste what time I have with the people I love by dwelling in things that can't be changed about my life. It is too short. I want to capture as many memories as I can with everybody I love so that if one day I realize that their tomorrow isn't coming, I will have no regrets.

That being said, if my tomorrow doesn't come, I don't want people thinking "Oh, how tragic. The end of her life was so sad." I will continue to be honest because pain is real and it is valid, but for myself I need to focus on the joy of today. I'm surrounded by so much beauty and miracles are happening all around me. It is time to bask in that for a while.

I'll love him 'til the end...


  1. I absolutely love PS I love you and I usually cry through a good part of the movie every time I see it. Your description just had me tearing up as well. I'm sorry that your dream was so vivid and graphic but I'm grateful that you woke up feeling encouraged. You are a great inspiration and I love that you always look to the positive. If your tomorrow doesn't come I will be sad but I will know that you lived a full and happy life and I was blessed with the most amazing friend I could ask for.

  2. What a crazy dream. Wow. What a great post. Your writings expressed the emotion so well I felt like I was a part of it. I too find P.s. I love you so sad at times. My gosh, I don't even know and can't even being to fathom my life without Steve. I love your attitude towards how you leave things toward people. I need to adapt that. Take it to heart. Love you friend!