I feel weird saying this, but instead of waking up from this dream upset, I feel encouraged. I died last night. The love of my life died too. Then I woke up and we were both alive, together in our bedroom. Sort of like a second chance. I have always been a firm believer in forgiveness. I refuse to hold grudges because life is so fragile. I will ask myself multiple times a week "If that person died in an hour, would I be okay with how our last conversation ended?" I'm not saying I don't have disagreements with people. I'm just saying I consciously force myself to love beyond the disagreements.
However, I have a lot of room to improve. I woke up thinking of the movie "PS, I Love You." If you haven't seen it, watch it. There is one part that no matter how many times I watch the dang show, I burst into tears. Holly wakes up in bed alone after Gerry has died. She is still groggy, and starts telling him that it is his turn to shut off the light. Then she realizes he isn't there. She hears music coming from the living room and gets out of bed with a huge smile on her face. She walks out and her Gerry is sitting there, singing and playing the guitar. She walks up behind him, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and tells him that she can't fall asleep alone. He says "I'm right here." Then she tells him she had a terrible dream and he says not to tell him about it. Ugh...it is getting me choked up just writing about it. (If you haven't seen it, click here.)
Confession time. Before Chris took me to see that movie in 2007, I would literally get jealous of his guitar. He spent so much time playing it and I felt like it was taking away from time he could be spending with me. I vividly remember sitting in the theater and realizing that if he was gone, I would kill to be able to hear him play again. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could I be so selfish? How many moments had I wasted that should have been such precious memories? We walked out to his car that night, and I told him I would never tell him to put down his guitar again. Now, listening to him play makes me so happy, I feel like my heart could explode.
So where am I going with this? Holly woke up from her dream, and her husband was still dead. I woke up from my dream, and my husband was in bed with me. I don't want to waste what time I have with the people I love by dwelling in things that can't be changed about my life. It is too short. I want to capture as many memories as I can with everybody I love so that if one day I realize that their tomorrow isn't coming, I will have no regrets.
That being said, if my tomorrow doesn't come, I don't want people thinking "Oh, how tragic. The end of her life was so sad." I will continue to be honest because pain is real and it is valid, but for myself I need to focus on the joy of today. I'm surrounded by so much beauty and miracles are happening all around me. It is time to bask in that for a while.
I'll love him 'til the end...