Getting Back On Track.

Where has this blog gone? I started this with such strong feelings and had a clear vision of where it was headed. Somewhere between there and here, it turned into my public diary. Life doesn't always go as planned (obviously), but I'm really hoping to get back to my original goal here. I was made to help people and this blog was to push me out of my comfort zone and document my doing so. What happened?

I think I have my next project. I have had a passion for fundraising since I was a little girl. I heard a story on the news when I was around 13 about a family who lost everything, including a young baby, in a house fire. I spent weeks walking door to door asking people for money for this family, then tracked down where they were staying and handed them a large envelope with hundreds of dollars in cash inside. It just seemed like the logical thing to do, and I had no idea why nobody else was doing it. (I know now that it was probably pretty dangerous just walking door to door like that and I'm lucky more people didn't turn me away or call the cops, but what did I know back then?)

A few years ago, I planned a yard sale to raise money for The Huntsman Cancer Institute. It started out pretty simple: I just wanted to do something to help out. I honestly wasn't expecting much.

What I got?

• Thousands of donations (including a hot tub and a new mountain bike from a local sporting goods store)
• Food, drinks, condiments, and baked goods (curtosy of local grocery stores and family) to feed my helpers and sell to everyone else
• Countless incredible volunteers
• Banners, bracelets, and other promotional items donated by The Huntsman Cancer Institute
• A giant check (just under $3,000) from a yard sale to give them in return
• A truckload of awesome items left over to donate to Big Brothers, Big Sisters of Utah

It was the most exhausting thing I have ever done and by the end of that day, I felt like a zombie. But honestly, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. So...I think I'm going to.

The wheels started spinning after death of my brother's friend, Nick. I'm ready to start a new project. I don't know when it will happen (my Huntsman project took over a year), but once I get this way there is no stopping me. Hopefully this is what I need to get back on track!

Another Funny.


So, my last post was depressing. Here's a funny story to even things out:

For our honeymoon, Chris and I drove to Newport, Oregon and stayed in a condo on the beach for a week. It was amazing, relaxing, and our time to exhale after a year of wedding planning. We were both so exhausted that we spent most evenings in, watching true crime shows and freaking ourselves out (romantic, right?) Through the night, I think the mixture of sea air, exhaustion, and being in an unfamiliar environment really got to me. I would fall into a deep, deep sleep, then wake up in the middle of the night dazed, confused, and with no clue where I was at. I was also having very vivid dreams. I haven't experienced anything like that week of sleep in my life.

On night 3 or 4, we were sleeping after a long night of murder mystery shows (with the hall light on, I might add...) and I woke up to this strange noise and Chris on the very edge of the bed kicking me and screaming "Sarah! Sarah! Wake up!" So I opened my eyes, totally baffled and wondering what I did to deserve this sort of abuse. I asked him what was wrong and he said "You were having a seizure!" Huh?!

Then it all came flooding back. The dream. I was in a bunker house with a bunch of ghosts (from the crime shows) that were trying to communicate with me. The only problem? Ghosts speak blue whale, of course. So there I was, trying to help the poor lost souls find their bunk beds by loudly "speaking their language."

"Mgguuuaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhgggg!!!"

In the dark. In my sleep. In bed with my brand new husband. So, still feeling slightly dazed, I decide to calm Chris' nerves by yelling "THE GHOSTS SPEAK BLUE WHALE!" then rolling over to go back to sleep.

Then I realized the severity of the situation. He thought I was having a seizure! So what did he do? Got as far away from me as possible (except for his feet which he used to kick me as hard as he could over and over), and screamed at me. Way to go, First Responder Chris. Way. To. Go.

We still laugh so hard about this. I don't know how this story slipped my mind when I wrote my post on how funny our life is. Sometimes, late at night when he is half asleep, I'll bust out in my whale song to freak him out. He doesn't find that part nearly as hilarious as I do.

Emo. Tio. Nal.

Happy 4th of July!

Enter: Crazy, emotional lady.

Today has been...a day. I feel like I'm slightly off my rocker. I got off work at 7:00 in the morning on the 4th, and it ended with a tragic call (for those who don't know, I'm a dispatcher) which sort of set the tone. I went home and went to bed, then woke up in tears. I was sad that I missed the parade. I was sad that I woke up alone (Chris was having fun with his family, which I also felt like I was missing out on.) I was sad I wasn't in Michigan on vacation with my dad. I was sad that the 4th of July was almost over and I had slept all day. I was sad that Paisley was going to be scared of the fireworks. I was sad that  my mom was home by herself on a holiday. I was sad that my brother had to work.

I sat on my couch and cried. A little emo? I think so.

But Chris got home and told me to pull myself together so we could have some fun. I got dressed and we brought Paisley over to my mom's so they would both have some company. Then we walked around the park to look at the different vendors. We grabbed dinner and ice cream, went back to my mom's house, and spent some time laughing on her back porch with her and the dogs.

We made it home before dark so I didn't hit any children lighting off fireworks in the street and instead of staying up for the rest of the festivities, we just went to bed. I snuggled up with Paisley and pulled the blanket up over her ears so she couldn't hear the fireworks. We just slept until I had to get up and go to work.

Normally I love the 4th of July! Oh well, we'll try again next year.

Perfection.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since we found out our baby was gone. I can't believe it has been a quarter of a year already. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by, but other times I feel like time is standing still. I realized that lately my posts have sort of drifted away from my baby. I guess that is part of the healing process, right? However, today my mind has been consumed with that little one and I just need to remember for a while.

Through my pregnancy, I had dreams about my baby. The one that stands out most in my mind was one I had 2 days before my last ultrasound (so the baby had already passed away inside of me, I just didn't know.) It started out in the delivery room and I was holding my new baby girl. I remember looking down at her and feeling so overwhelmed and overcome with this intense love. She was looking up at me and holding onto my finger and we just sat there in awe of each other. Nobody else was in the room. It was just us.

In my dream she had a name, but it was not the girl name Chris and I have planned. We have had a boy name and a girl name picked out for a while now and we are pretty set on them. The name she had in my dream was one I'd never heard on a person before, but it fit her so well. I even wrote a status update on Facebook the next morning about the beautiful name from my dream that I just couldn't shake. After we realized the baby had died, the name stuck. I don't know the connection between dreams and God and life beyond death...maybe I'm just holding onto a memory that I know I'll never experience, but either way it still warms me to my core to think that I held that little one, I stared into her eyes, and I named her.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to share her name on this blog. Part of me wanted to keep it for Chris and I, but part of me thinks it is too beautiful not to share.

Eden

When I first told the name to Chris, he was a little put off. He associated Eden with the fall of man and sin. I, however, have always associated Eden with perfection. Before sin swept in, the garden was God's masterpiece. That is how I think of our baby now. She was never born into this world so she truly was perfection. She went to Heaven as pure and as flawless as when God sent her here.

It is funny how things come together even when you don't think they have. I was nervous about knowing our baby's gender (although I was sure she was a girl) because I thought I would always associate the name we already had picked out with that baby who was no longer with us. That didn't happen, though. My baby was given the most beautiful and fitting name in my dreams and Chris and I still have the names we love for the children we will bring home one day.

I'm still missing her like crazy, but my Eden was returned to God as the masterpiece He intended and there is nothing more beautiful our peaceful to me than that thought.

The Day For Dads.

I know this is a little late, but I wanted to write a little something for Father's Day. I need all of the dads in my life (especially my Daddy, Kevin, and Scottie) to know what a dear place they each hold in my heart. There is something special about a dad's relationship with his daughter. It is a sort of protective love and I am so blessed to have so many men who care about me and would be there in an instant if I needed them to be.

As for my husband, father to our Angel and hopefully one day father to the babies we'll bring home, I can't wait to see him as a daddy. He has such a solid and pure heart and I know he is going to be incredible.

Happy Father's Day!

Just A Loud Smile.

I love laughing. Luckily, I found someone that makes me laugh every single day and decided to marry him. I haven't written in a while and I was wanting to post about something a little more deep, but today I just need to focus on the hilariousness of my life. Chris and I laugh all the time.

We joke that we are the real life Doug and Carrie from "King of Queens." We get ourselves in the most awkward situations and honestly, all we can do is laugh. One story that still cracks me up is when we went to my friend's funeral a couple of years ago (I know, it gets funny. I promise.) It was held in a funeral home where the rooms are separated by those hard curtains that you can slide back and forth to make the room larger or smaller if needed. The curtain was pulled to make 2 smaller rooms and we were a little confused, so we decided to go in the room with the coffin (when all else fails, head to the room with the person of honor, right?) So we walk in and someone comes in behind us and shuts the door, leaving us in this small room with maybe 10 other people all standing together. Where are the chairs? Is this really all that is going to show up? Then the man who walked in behind us tells us all to gather together and hold hands.

Wait. What?

You guessed it. We were in the family prayer room. With the coffin. Parents. Siblings. Us. Everyone was giving us the side-eye, but what were we supposed to do? Just walk out? We tried to compose ourselves and grabbed some hands. We prayed, and when we were done we tried to make our escape.

Nope.

We were escorted in to the real room where the funeral was held with the rest of the family to the sound of the organ playing in the background. Yes, in front of everyone. I probably only knew two people in that entire room. I still wonder what in the world everyone was thinking as the line of family walked in and there were these two random people with them. Nobody ever said anything to us...

Now, my friend who passed away had the best sense of humor ever and I know if she was watching, she was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. That is why I'm comfortable joking about it now, she wouldn't have let a situation like that just go to waste. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my entire life, but c'mon, that is pretty dang funny. It was an honest and horribly awkward mistake. Can't you see Doug and Carrie doing that?! 

I also laugh when I remember Chris and his random one-man flash mob in the middle of our living room to the song "My First Kiss", cracking up when we grabbed our plates at a Chinese buffet and saw the giant bowl of cheese puffs next to the crab legs (classy), when I looked back at him as we were taking the long hike to our car after the U2 concert and realized he was hobbling with a "walking stick" because he had a tiny blister on his toe, or the time I started loading groceries into a car that looked just like mine, until I set the alarm off and had to load them back in my cart and walk across the parking lot to my car with that stupid alarm blaring in the background (talk about walk of shame)...I could go on all day.

Long story (kind of) short, every single day there is something new to laugh about. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, and we laugh together. My life could be a sitcom, especially now that "King of Queens" is no longer filming. Let's see...what should I call it?

I wouldn't put it past him.

I've Been Shown How It Is Done.

When I started this blog, I had one goal: to change the world. It seems almost impossible, right? Well, it isn't. Do you want to know how I know? I've seen it done.

He did it.

This is one of my brother's best friends. His name is Nick Raitt, and he passed away on June 2 of a very rare childhood cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. He was diagnosed in 2007 and in the four years following that, he accomplished more than you would believe if I told you. I would like to challenge you to read his story. My prayer is he will inspire you as he did me. This is a man who knew how to make a difference. He is still changing the world, even though his life here has ended. What a legacy he left. I could not be more proud to have the connection I do with Nick and I am thankful God gave me such a remarkable example as I continue my journey to try and make a difference.

I am so excited to see what Nick's WACKY Warriors do to change the word "cancer" as we know it. As his mother so beautifully put it, let's "change the Huntsman into a hotel." I believe with all of my heart that this can be a reality. Let us make it happen together.

To Nick's family: You are in my prayers daily and you are loved more than you know.

To Nick: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Godspeed, little man.