One year ago today, I slept in. I was exhausted from the previous night spent celebrating as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I rolled out of bed at around noon and stumbled to the bathroom. My feet were killing me and I'd been getting a strange, cramping feeling in my lower stomach for most of the morning.
I don't know what made me grab the pregnancy test from the cupboard. After six months of actively trying to get pregnant (and over a year of diligent financial and physical preparation before that) and only seeing negative test results, those little sticks were starting to lose their appeal. However, that morning...for some reason...I took one. I will never forget how I felt as I watched those two pink lines show up. I started shaking and couldn't stand up. This was really it! The moment I had been dreaming of my entire life and the one Chris and I had been anxiously awaiting for close to two years. I was pregnant. We were having a baby.
I'd thought for so long about how I wanted to tell Chris he was going to be a father. I'd wanted to surprise him and tell him in a cute way that he would always remember. At that moment, standing in the bathroom clenching that test, all of my planning went out the window. I barrelled into his office where he was in the middle of a call for work that he couldn't disconnect and burst into tears. My poor husband...he sat there, stumbling through his call as I grabbed the door with one hand to keep myself standing and held up the pregnancy test with the other. He put his phone on mute and asked if I was pregnant and how sure I was, then told me to go sit down so I didn't pass out. It was not exactly the "Aunt Becky cooking Uncle Jessie a baby-themed meal" announcement that I'd always dreamed of, but it still makes us smile to think of it and that's all that matters.
I went downstairs and sat on the couch, trying to compose myself. A couple of minutes later, Chris came down and sat with me. We hugged and laughed and panicked (a baby?!) and I cried some more. No amount of planning can prepare you for what you feel in that moment when you realize that your body is actually creating a human life. It was really happening. Not the idea of a baby, but an actual baby.
We didn't get to bring that baby home, but she was so loved from the very second we found out she existed. She was my last thought before I fell asleep last night and my first thought when I woke up this morning. Today did not make me sad, it made me thankful that I have such a beautiful memory and that I'm one of the blessed women that even got to see a positive pregnancy test at all.