I heard this song for the first time a couple of years ago...right around the time that Chris and I decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby. I know that Michael Buble (I don't know how to do the fancy thing over the "e") is probably talking about a future girlfriend or wife, but I've always associated it with the children I would hopefully have one day. I heard it on the radio tonight and couldn't help but smile as my Nolan kicked me in the ribs and reminded me that I get to meet him any day now...the love I've been waiting for is almost here...
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get
Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get
I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
One Year Ago.
One year ago today, I slept in. I was exhausted from the previous night spent celebrating as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I rolled out of bed at around noon and stumbled to the bathroom. My feet were killing me and I'd been getting a strange, cramping feeling in my lower stomach for most of the morning.
I don't know what made me grab the pregnancy test from the cupboard. After six months of actively trying to get pregnant (and over a year of diligent financial and physical preparation before that) and only seeing negative test results, those little sticks were starting to lose their appeal. However, that morning...for some reason...I took one. I will never forget how I felt as I watched those two pink lines show up. I started shaking and couldn't stand up. This was really it! The moment I had been dreaming of my entire life and the one Chris and I had been anxiously awaiting for close to two years. I was pregnant. We were having a baby.
I'd thought for so long about how I wanted to tell Chris he was going to be a father. I'd wanted to surprise him and tell him in a cute way that he would always remember. At that moment, standing in the bathroom clenching that test, all of my planning went out the window. I barrelled into his office where he was in the middle of a call for work that he couldn't disconnect and burst into tears. My poor husband...he sat there, stumbling through his call as I grabbed the door with one hand to keep myself standing and held up the pregnancy test with the other. He put his phone on mute and asked if I was pregnant and how sure I was, then told me to go sit down so I didn't pass out. It was not exactly the "Aunt Becky cooking Uncle Jessie a baby-themed meal" announcement that I'd always dreamed of, but it still makes us smile to think of it and that's all that matters.
I went downstairs and sat on the couch, trying to compose myself. A couple of minutes later, Chris came down and sat with me. We hugged and laughed and panicked (a baby?!) and I cried some more. No amount of planning can prepare you for what you feel in that moment when you realize that your body is actually creating a human life. It was really happening. Not the idea of a baby, but an actual baby.
We didn't get to bring that baby home, but she was so loved from the very second we found out she existed. She was my last thought before I fell asleep last night and my first thought when I woke up this morning. Today did not make me sad, it made me thankful that I have such a beautiful memory and that I'm one of the blessed women that even got to see a positive pregnancy test at all.
I don't know what made me grab the pregnancy test from the cupboard. After six months of actively trying to get pregnant (and over a year of diligent financial and physical preparation before that) and only seeing negative test results, those little sticks were starting to lose their appeal. However, that morning...for some reason...I took one. I will never forget how I felt as I watched those two pink lines show up. I started shaking and couldn't stand up. This was really it! The moment I had been dreaming of my entire life and the one Chris and I had been anxiously awaiting for close to two years. I was pregnant. We were having a baby.
I'd thought for so long about how I wanted to tell Chris he was going to be a father. I'd wanted to surprise him and tell him in a cute way that he would always remember. At that moment, standing in the bathroom clenching that test, all of my planning went out the window. I barrelled into his office where he was in the middle of a call for work that he couldn't disconnect and burst into tears. My poor husband...he sat there, stumbling through his call as I grabbed the door with one hand to keep myself standing and held up the pregnancy test with the other. He put his phone on mute and asked if I was pregnant and how sure I was, then told me to go sit down so I didn't pass out. It was not exactly the "Aunt Becky cooking Uncle Jessie a baby-themed meal" announcement that I'd always dreamed of, but it still makes us smile to think of it and that's all that matters.
I went downstairs and sat on the couch, trying to compose myself. A couple of minutes later, Chris came down and sat with me. We hugged and laughed and panicked (a baby?!) and I cried some more. No amount of planning can prepare you for what you feel in that moment when you realize that your body is actually creating a human life. It was really happening. Not the idea of a baby, but an actual baby.
We didn't get to bring that baby home, but she was so loved from the very second we found out she existed. She was my last thought before I fell asleep last night and my first thought when I woke up this morning. Today did not make me sad, it made me thankful that I have such a beautiful memory and that I'm one of the blessed women that even got to see a positive pregnancy test at all.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Whoa.
I just realized I have fourteen days left until the day Nolan is due.
Fourteen days.
I panicked. I got excited. I kept counting. I have six more shifts at work...two more weekends...one more rent check to put in the mail.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Hello, reality check. My name is Smiles. What's that you say? You have a human life you want to drop in my arms and leave me alone with? Good luck? Um...alright...
Here goes nothing.
We're coming up on being as ready as we'll ever be to meet our little boy. There are still a few things I'd like to have done before he is born, but I can safely say that if he came tomorrow I would not lose my cookies over it. I had a panic moment on Friday. I worked until 3:00 that morning, and towards the middle of my shift I got a horrible headache. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it and by the time I got home around 3:15, I had to run to the bathroom to be sick. I started swelling up like a balloon and couldn't stop vomiting. Chris finally brought me some water and got me in bed so I could get some rest. I called my doctor's office when I woke up and they told me to go straight to Labor & Delivery for monitoring because it sounded like my blood pressure was out of control.
To say I was frustrated is the understatement of the century. I have spent more time hooked up to monitors at that hospital than I can even count with this pregnancy. I asked how important it was that I went in right away and the nurse said she'd talked to a woman earlier that morning with the same exact symptoms who was delivering her baby as we spoke because her blood pressure was so high that it was putting them both in danger. Point taken...but wait...what? She was delivering her baby?! I wasn't ready for that yet!
Cue: Major Melt-Down.
We're talking slobbering tears washing away any sort of makeup I was stupidly trying to put on as I blubbered about not having a hospital bag packed or an outfit washed for our baby to come home in. All I could think about was sitting in the hospital in labor by myself as I sent my poor husband out to complete last-minute jobs that we should have already taken care of. I know our families would have stepped up like crazy to make sure we had everything we needed and more, but hindsight is 20/20. At the moment it was pure and utter panic. That is not how I want to bring my sweet boy into the world. I want to feel joy and excitement amidst the fear of the unknown and chaos that is bound to come with delivering a baby.
Obviously I did not have Nolan on Friday. I was monitored for a few hours and my blood pressure was actually consistently low. He was very active as usual (he is not a fan of having the band around my belly and tried to kick it off the entire time...you'd think he'd be used to it by now.) They don't know why I got as sick as I did. My guess is that my blood pressure elevates while I'm at work (dispatching is not the most stress-free job in the world...) and goes back to normal by the time I get home and rest for a little while. They took a few samples to test for different infections and I should get my results in the morning.
I'm going back and forth on when I need to just be done working. I've been trying to hold off because I want as much of my maternity leave as I can get with Nolan after he is born, but if my body is reacting negatively to being at work I really need to do what is best for him and best for me to keep us both healthy. Last week my midwife told me she didn't have enough to put me on bed rest but I wonder if it'll be a different story at my appointment in the morning after what happened over the weekend. Ultimately, I just want a healthy baby. I'll do whatever it takes for him to be okay.
I spent the rest of the weekend bossing my sweet husband around to get things to the point that if I went into labor right this second, I could go knowing that things at home were taken care of and we could put 100% of our focus on welcoming our baby and making his birthday special.
We're there.
We still have a few odds and ends I'd like to pull together, but they are so minor that if they never happen I won't care. Nolan, my love...come whenever you are ready...Mommy and Daddy can't wait to meet you.
Fourteen days.
I panicked. I got excited. I kept counting. I have six more shifts at work...two more weekends...one more rent check to put in the mail.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Hello, reality check. My name is Smiles. What's that you say? You have a human life you want to drop in my arms and leave me alone with? Good luck? Um...alright...
Here goes nothing.
We're coming up on being as ready as we'll ever be to meet our little boy. There are still a few things I'd like to have done before he is born, but I can safely say that if he came tomorrow I would not lose my cookies over it. I had a panic moment on Friday. I worked until 3:00 that morning, and towards the middle of my shift I got a horrible headache. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it and by the time I got home around 3:15, I had to run to the bathroom to be sick. I started swelling up like a balloon and couldn't stop vomiting. Chris finally brought me some water and got me in bed so I could get some rest. I called my doctor's office when I woke up and they told me to go straight to Labor & Delivery for monitoring because it sounded like my blood pressure was out of control.
To say I was frustrated is the understatement of the century. I have spent more time hooked up to monitors at that hospital than I can even count with this pregnancy. I asked how important it was that I went in right away and the nurse said she'd talked to a woman earlier that morning with the same exact symptoms who was delivering her baby as we spoke because her blood pressure was so high that it was putting them both in danger. Point taken...but wait...what? She was delivering her baby?! I wasn't ready for that yet!
Cue: Major Melt-Down.
We're talking slobbering tears washing away any sort of makeup I was stupidly trying to put on as I blubbered about not having a hospital bag packed or an outfit washed for our baby to come home in. All I could think about was sitting in the hospital in labor by myself as I sent my poor husband out to complete last-minute jobs that we should have already taken care of. I know our families would have stepped up like crazy to make sure we had everything we needed and more, but hindsight is 20/20. At the moment it was pure and utter panic. That is not how I want to bring my sweet boy into the world. I want to feel joy and excitement amidst the fear of the unknown and chaos that is bound to come with delivering a baby.
Obviously I did not have Nolan on Friday. I was monitored for a few hours and my blood pressure was actually consistently low. He was very active as usual (he is not a fan of having the band around my belly and tried to kick it off the entire time...you'd think he'd be used to it by now.) They don't know why I got as sick as I did. My guess is that my blood pressure elevates while I'm at work (dispatching is not the most stress-free job in the world...) and goes back to normal by the time I get home and rest for a little while. They took a few samples to test for different infections and I should get my results in the morning.
I'm going back and forth on when I need to just be done working. I've been trying to hold off because I want as much of my maternity leave as I can get with Nolan after he is born, but if my body is reacting negatively to being at work I really need to do what is best for him and best for me to keep us both healthy. Last week my midwife told me she didn't have enough to put me on bed rest but I wonder if it'll be a different story at my appointment in the morning after what happened over the weekend. Ultimately, I just want a healthy baby. I'll do whatever it takes for him to be okay.
I spent the rest of the weekend bossing my sweet husband around to get things to the point that if I went into labor right this second, I could go knowing that things at home were taken care of and we could put 100% of our focus on welcoming our baby and making his birthday special.
We're there.
We still have a few odds and ends I'd like to pull together, but they are so minor that if they never happen I won't care. Nolan, my love...come whenever you are ready...Mommy and Daddy can't wait to meet you.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Updated List.
- Chris and I need to get our TDAP vaccines, like, yesterday.
I also need to talk with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles who will be around Nolan and let them know it is recommended that they get it as well.Friday, we have a date night planned at Walgreens... I need to get in contact with my short term disability company to make sure I have all of that in order and figure out exactly how much our check will be when he is born.I still have so much cleaning and organizing to do. Obviously I have to set up his nursery,but I have a whole load of furniture that needs to be cleared out of my house before that can even start to happen.His nursery is done! Our rocker will be delivered this weekend and I have to do his baby laundry, but other than that we're all set!I haven't even looked at diaper bags.That sucker is packed and ready to go.I can't decide on a mattress for his crib.It is all set up!What? I need bedding to go in his crib too? Another decision I'm struggling with.One is on the mattress, the rest are folded in his room!Maybe I should start with actually putting his crib together...or taking it out of the box...Done and done!I think my insurance covers pumps but I haven't called them to check on what brand or anything else for that matter.This won't be totally figured out until he is born so we'll worry about that later.I haven't even started Christmas shopping.We made it through Christmas and New Year's Eve!Christmas cards. Not this year. I just can't. We didn't decorate either.I mentioned to Chris that I wanted to schedule a tour of the hospital I'll be delivering in. This may or may not get crossed of the list soon as well.LOVED IT! I'm so glad we went!We have a few pediatricians that we want to interview. When? Who knows. Then we actually have to pick one.I decided to skip the interview. I found a doctor that came very highly recommended by a few of my friends and after realizing that he was the only one that was recommended to me that was taking new patients, my decision was made for me. I spent some time talking with his office on the phone today and I feel very confident with my choice. I can always change later if I don't like him. At least now I have one!I just looked up a list of things to pack for the hospital...Heaven help me.Just a couple of more things to grab from the store and my bag is packed!- I haven't bought a new bra in over a year. The thought of even looking at nursing bras makes me want to vomit but I know I need to...eventually. This is one of those things I need to get still.
I need to finish Nolan's dresser and mirror that I'm refinishing for his room.I still have to do a second layer of paint on his mirror, but his dresser is done and looks awesome!- Lots and lots of baby (and mommy and daddy) laundry.
I need to get my FMLA paperwork to Kathy so she can get it done and I can get it turned in and crossed off this list.Done and approved!We need to figure out what in the world is going on with Chris' job and his FMLA (like how he can even get his hands on the paperwork he needs?!)Things worked out a little differently than we planned, but it is exactly how it is supposed to be!- I need to get the side panel on my car fixed so it isn't ripped up more and more each time we put a car seat in the backseat.
My whole car needs to be cleaned really well when that is done.You could eat off of my car right now, it is so clean. I'll be fixing the panel this weekend and getting his carseat installed! I need to call my landlord and let him know that we will have another person living in our house in 8 weeks.Done!- Somewhere in the middle of all of that I'm supposed to eat healthy and balanced meals, pamper myself, enjoy these last couple of months of "freedom" with Chris, exercise, prop my legs up, and get lots and lots of rest (can you hear the sarcasm?) Right. I feel like I can breathe!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Nolan's Daddy.
I spent some time this morning looking through quotes about fathers and sons to inspire this post. There were a lot about pride, teaching, and manly this-and-that. I know that Nolan will learn about those "manly" things from Chris, but when I think of the relationship the two of them are going to have, one word comes to mind: LOVE.
The love between the two of them is already so incredible to me. I have a special relationship with Nolan because I am carrying him in my own body. Chris, on the other hand, really had to work for the bond he has with our little boy. He is already such an amazing dad and Nolan and I are so blessed to have him in our lives.
I've thought about the kind of father I've wanted for my children since I was a little girl. I can honestly say that I have each and every little thing I've ever wanted for them in my husband. How I was able to find him in this huge world, I'll never know...but I'm so thankful.
Chris is going to teach Nolan what it means to be a real man. I know there is a side of him that is nervous to be a father, but I also know that our son will learn so much more from Chris' example than he will from any advice Chris will ever give him. I am at peace knowing that the man that Nolan will watch and learn from every day is one of integrity and honesty and a true and pure love for his family. We will never have to hide our interactions from Nolan because Chris always treats me with every ounce of respect I deserve...even behind closed doors.
Chris keeps telling me how excited he is to meet our boy. I wish I could describe the look he gets in his eyes when he talks to me about Nolan. One of my favorite things in the entire world is when I'm almost asleep and Chris pats my belly to wake baby boy up and play with him. Nolan absolutely adores him and will follow his hand around for as long as Chris is willing to interact with him. Nolan hears his voice and instantly starts bouncing around. He doesn't respond to anybody else like that...not even me. They are already best friends and they haven't even met yet (but that doesn't stop Chris from introducing my stomach to every person we meet. "This is my wife, Sarah and our baby, Nolan!")
Doctor's appointments are a whole different level of beautiful. The way Chris looks at the ultrasound screen as we watch our little boys face and body move around is breathtaking. There is no other word for it. I lay there in awe as I watch our baby respond to his daddy's voice laughing at the picture on the monitor. There is so much love there and I can't wait to see the bond that is formed the first time they get to look each other in the eyes. I can't believe I'm going to get to witness that moment...
It is only going to get better from here. I'm nervous about a lot of things...but not about my partner going on this crazy ride with me. I wouldn't change that for the world.
The love between the two of them is already so incredible to me. I have a special relationship with Nolan because I am carrying him in my own body. Chris, on the other hand, really had to work for the bond he has with our little boy. He is already such an amazing dad and Nolan and I are so blessed to have him in our lives.
I've thought about the kind of father I've wanted for my children since I was a little girl. I can honestly say that I have each and every little thing I've ever wanted for them in my husband. How I was able to find him in this huge world, I'll never know...but I'm so thankful.
Chris is going to teach Nolan what it means to be a real man. I know there is a side of him that is nervous to be a father, but I also know that our son will learn so much more from Chris' example than he will from any advice Chris will ever give him. I am at peace knowing that the man that Nolan will watch and learn from every day is one of integrity and honesty and a true and pure love for his family. We will never have to hide our interactions from Nolan because Chris always treats me with every ounce of respect I deserve...even behind closed doors.
Chris keeps telling me how excited he is to meet our boy. I wish I could describe the look he gets in his eyes when he talks to me about Nolan. One of my favorite things in the entire world is when I'm almost asleep and Chris pats my belly to wake baby boy up and play with him. Nolan absolutely adores him and will follow his hand around for as long as Chris is willing to interact with him. Nolan hears his voice and instantly starts bouncing around. He doesn't respond to anybody else like that...not even me. They are already best friends and they haven't even met yet (but that doesn't stop Chris from introducing my stomach to every person we meet. "This is my wife, Sarah and our baby, Nolan!")
Doctor's appointments are a whole different level of beautiful. The way Chris looks at the ultrasound screen as we watch our little boys face and body move around is breathtaking. There is no other word for it. I lay there in awe as I watch our baby respond to his daddy's voice laughing at the picture on the monitor. There is so much love there and I can't wait to see the bond that is formed the first time they get to look each other in the eyes. I can't believe I'm going to get to witness that moment...
It is only going to get better from here. I'm nervous about a lot of things...but not about my partner going on this crazy ride with me. I wouldn't change that for the world.
Monday, January 9, 2012
36 Weeks.
Well...almost. I'll be 36 weeks on Thursday. How did this happen? My baby shower was last Saturday and I was beyond blessed. We had between 45 and 50 people show up just to spoil and love my son...a person they've never even met. It was absolutely perfect.
I can't wait to meet my boy. I want to hold him and look in his eyes and know he is okay. I want to hear the doctor tell me that my baby is healthy and mine to take home. My mind has been wandering to some strange places now that I'm getting closer to the end (the beginning?) I keep thinking about how scared he is going to be during the birthing process. I imagine him feeling safe and cozy in my stomach and then all of a sudden he is going to be squished and pushed and mashed and forced into this cold and bright world with no warning. That's the part that bothers me the most...he has no idea what is coming. It is one thing for me to be scared to give birth. I (kind of) know what to expect. Nolan, on the other hand, doesn't even know what is going to happen and I can't imagine how terrified and confused it is going to make him.
Okay, I need to stop on that subject or I'm going to get emotional.
I've thought of other things too...like how I'm going to feel the first time I hear him cry (it breaks my heart just to think about it)...or how I'll handle him being taken from me for the first time so they can clean him and check him (cue: panic attack.) I don't think I'll be one of those overbearing mothers that doesn't let their child out of their sight. I'm just nervous about those first few hours where everything changes and the normal I've had for the last 9 months is gone.
With all of that said, I can't wait to meet Nolan! I want to write more about my baby shower when I get pictures to show you how freaking awesome and creative my family is...until then I'll leave you with one I took of my belly this afternoon. I'm feeling very pregnant!
I can't wait to meet my boy. I want to hold him and look in his eyes and know he is okay. I want to hear the doctor tell me that my baby is healthy and mine to take home. My mind has been wandering to some strange places now that I'm getting closer to the end (the beginning?) I keep thinking about how scared he is going to be during the birthing process. I imagine him feeling safe and cozy in my stomach and then all of a sudden he is going to be squished and pushed and mashed and forced into this cold and bright world with no warning. That's the part that bothers me the most...he has no idea what is coming. It is one thing for me to be scared to give birth. I (kind of) know what to expect. Nolan, on the other hand, doesn't even know what is going to happen and I can't imagine how terrified and confused it is going to make him.
Okay, I need to stop on that subject or I'm going to get emotional.
I've thought of other things too...like how I'm going to feel the first time I hear him cry (it breaks my heart just to think about it)...or how I'll handle him being taken from me for the first time so they can clean him and check him (cue: panic attack.) I don't think I'll be one of those overbearing mothers that doesn't let their child out of their sight. I'm just nervous about those first few hours where everything changes and the normal I've had for the last 9 months is gone.
With all of that said, I can't wait to meet Nolan! I want to write more about my baby shower when I get pictures to show you how freaking awesome and creative my family is...until then I'll leave you with one I took of my belly this afternoon. I'm feeling very pregnant!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Baby Shower Paranoia.
My baby shower is this Saturday and I can't wait. There are going to be so many people there that I haven't seen in such a long time! Nolan's grandmas and a few of my friends have put so much work into making sure this day is something I'll remember forever and I am so thankful for each one of them. There are going to be so many little personal touches and gorgeous decorations...they are really going above and beyond. This definitely isn't going to be your typical baby shower!
This weekend can't come fast enough for 99.99% of me. However, there is .01% that is having a little bit of anxiety over the whole thing. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm not looking forward to all of the belly-touching that is bound to happen that day. I've been really weird about that part of my pregnancy. There have been a couple of situations where I've been with really close friends or family members and Nolan has been moving, so I'll let them try to feel him. I even had a dear friend feel all over my belly a few weeks ago because she had never felt a pregnant stomach before (but she asked permission and Nolan was moving around so I was okay with it.) When I start to feel awkward is when he is sleeping and there is nothing for anyone to feel except a giant-hard-ball-o'-whatever.
I've never been big on physical contact. I barely even hug Chris. I feel bad and try to make more of an effort to hug people that I love, but it makes me uncomfortable...especially when I have this giant belly separating us. I show people I love them in other ways. I have always been that way. Then, all of a sudden, I became pregnant and it is as if my body became public property. Like I said before, if he is kicking or something cool is happening in there and someone wants to feel they can go for it...they are interacting with my baby. But if he's sleeping or just chilling in there and they decide to rub my Buddha belly for good luck...that's awkward. They aren't interacting with my baby, they are groping me.
Now to reassure my dear friends and family who read this: I've only had one situation so far that has made me uncomfortable and it was not with any of you. Every interaction I've had (besides the crazy lady at the store that I didn't know) has been appropriate and just fine. I just worry that when I show up in a room full of women who have come together to celebrate this baby growing in my belly, some are bound to go for...well...the belly. Maybe Nolan will put on a show so people will have something fun to touch instead of my still and bulging stomach. A quick pat? That's fine. Feeling him kick? I love that. Grabbing and poking and resting their hands on me for an hour as I sit by them because he might, possibly, eventually, maybe move? Please, no.
That being said, aside from my stupid personal issue, I am so excited for my shower! I get a little choked up when I think of everyone who is coming. So many of them really reached out to us after we lost Eden. Now they are coming together to celebrate the fact that after two years of preparation and one year of pregnancy, we'll hopefully be bringing home a healthy little boy in a few weeks. He is the true reward and the best gift I could imagine. He is so loved already and I can't wait to share him with everyone (when he is on the outside of my belly! Haha...)
This weekend can't come fast enough for 99.99% of me. However, there is .01% that is having a little bit of anxiety over the whole thing. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm not looking forward to all of the belly-touching that is bound to happen that day. I've been really weird about that part of my pregnancy. There have been a couple of situations where I've been with really close friends or family members and Nolan has been moving, so I'll let them try to feel him. I even had a dear friend feel all over my belly a few weeks ago because she had never felt a pregnant stomach before (but she asked permission and Nolan was moving around so I was okay with it.) When I start to feel awkward is when he is sleeping and there is nothing for anyone to feel except a giant-hard-ball-o'-whatever.
I've never been big on physical contact. I barely even hug Chris. I feel bad and try to make more of an effort to hug people that I love, but it makes me uncomfortable...especially when I have this giant belly separating us. I show people I love them in other ways. I have always been that way. Then, all of a sudden, I became pregnant and it is as if my body became public property. Like I said before, if he is kicking or something cool is happening in there and someone wants to feel they can go for it...they are interacting with my baby. But if he's sleeping or just chilling in there and they decide to rub my Buddha belly for good luck...that's awkward. They aren't interacting with my baby, they are groping me.
Now to reassure my dear friends and family who read this: I've only had one situation so far that has made me uncomfortable and it was not with any of you. Every interaction I've had (besides the crazy lady at the store that I didn't know) has been appropriate and just fine. I just worry that when I show up in a room full of women who have come together to celebrate this baby growing in my belly, some are bound to go for...well...the belly. Maybe Nolan will put on a show so people will have something fun to touch instead of my still and bulging stomach. A quick pat? That's fine. Feeling him kick? I love that. Grabbing and poking and resting their hands on me for an hour as I sit by them because he might, possibly, eventually, maybe move? Please, no.
That being said, aside from my stupid personal issue, I am so excited for my shower! I get a little choked up when I think of everyone who is coming. So many of them really reached out to us after we lost Eden. Now they are coming together to celebrate the fact that after two years of preparation and one year of pregnancy, we'll hopefully be bringing home a healthy little boy in a few weeks. He is the true reward and the best gift I could imagine. He is so loved already and I can't wait to share him with everyone (when he is on the outside of my belly! Haha...)
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Take Three.
Time for this week's new and improved check list! I realize this is more for my benefit than yours, so skip on over this one if you'd like to.
- Chris and I need to get our TDAP vaccines, like, yesterday.
I also need to talk with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles who will be around Nolan and let them know it is recommended that they get it as well.We still don't have our shots (I know!) but we've talked to all of our family about getting theirs and some already have! - I need to get in contact with my short term disability company to make sure I have all of that in order and figure out exactly how much our check will be when he is born.
- I still have so much cleaning and organizing to do. Obviously I have to set up his nursery,
but I have a whole load of furniture that needs to be cleared out of my house before that can even start to happen.Everything is moved and we've started making some major progress on the nursery! Also, I got some quotes on a few deep-cleaning maid services in the area. I think it is going to be my treat to myself in a few weeks. I haven't even looked at diaper bags.Bought one! We just have to pick it up tomorrow.I can't decide on a mattress for his crib.It will be delivered on Thursday!What? I need bedding to go in his crib too? Another decision I'm struggling with.I just put some sheets on my registry.Maybe I should start with actually putting his crib together...or taking it out of the box...Done and done!- I think my insurance covers pumps but I haven't called them to check on what brand or anything else for that matter. I tried to call them yesterday, but they were closed. I'll try again today.
I haven't even started Christmas shopping.We made it through Christmas and New Year's Eve!Christmas cards. Not this year. I just can't. We didn't decorate either.I mentioned to Chris that I wanted to schedule a tour of the hospital I'll be delivering in. This may or may not get crossed of the list soon as well.Our tour is scheduled for 7:00 tonight! I'm happy we decided to actually go.We have a few pediatricians that we want to interview. When? Who knows. Then we actually have to pick one.I decided to skip the interview. I found a doctor that came very highly recommended by a few of my friends and after realizing that he was the only one that was recommended to me that was taking new patients, my decision was made for me. I spent some time talking with his office on the phone today and I feel very confident with my choice. I can always change later if I don't like him. At least now I have one!- I just looked up a list of things to pack for the hospital...Heaven help me.
- I haven't bought a new bra in over a year. The thought of even looking at nursing bras makes me want to vomit but I know I need to...eventually.
I need to finish Nolan's dresser and mirror that I'm refinishing for his room.I still have to do a second layer of paint on his mirror, but his dresser is done and looks awesome!- Lots and lots of baby (and mommy and daddy) laundry.
I need to get my FMLA paperwork to Kathy so she can get it done and I can get it turned in and crossed off this list.It is turned in and I just have to pick it up later this week and get it to my HR office.We need to figure out what in the world is going on with Chris' job and his FMLA (like how he can even get his hands on the paperwork he needs?!)We were finally able to get his turned in to Kathy today. We were cutting it a little close with the deadline, but things are where they need to be!- I need to get the side panel on my car fixed so it isn't ripped up more and more each time we put a car seat in the backseat. My whole car needs to be cleaned really well when that is done. I'll be cleaning my car this week to have room for baby shower gifts. I think I want to save the deep-cleaning until a little closer to my EDD so it is all fresh for him!
I need to call my landlord and let him know that we will have another person living in our house in 8 weeks.Done! They are also coming over tomorrow to do a few small maintenance things around the house so I don't have to worry about them when Nolan is born.- Somewhere in the middle of all of that I'm supposed to eat healthy and balanced meals, pamper myself, enjoy these last couple of months of "freedom" with Chris, exercise, prop my legs up, and get lots and lots of rest (can you hear the sarcasm?) Right. I feel like it is getting easier!
Wow...that is beautiful.
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