The End.

That's how New Year's has always felt to me. Like the end. So many people look at it as a fresh start and the beginning of a...well...new year. Maybe I'm more of a glass-half-empty kind of girl than I took myself to be?

I've been awake for a few hours now, just reflecting. 2011 was one of my biggest years yet and I'm sort of sad to see it come to a close. It was New Year's Eve last year that I "became pregnant" with Eden (if you know how they date pregnancies, you get it. If not, you don't need to.) The first 13 weeks of the year were spent getting ready for that little one who never came to live with us. The next 35 days were spent crying over that little one. The eight months after that were spent remembering her and getting to know and love her little brother. Here I sit, exactly one year after my pregnancy with Eden began...and less than six weeks away from meeting Nolan. Part of me has forgotten what it is like to not be pregnant.

Along with my two babies, 2011 brought me a deeper level of love and compassion. My relationship with Chris is better than it has ever been. We've come to appreciate each other for who we are as well as who we are not and I feel like we've fallen into a place of acceptance. We will always push each other to be better people, but we've both learned that who we are at our core is not going to change and we honestly love each other for our cores. I don't think I could really say that before this year.

2011 was a time to rebuild a lot of the chaos and crumble of 2010. My family is coming to the end of this year standing on a more solid ground than we have in a long time. There will always be challenges, but as a unit we've learned how to work through them and we are adjusting to life as it is now. This year was definitely one of healing. The walls that fell are rebuilt, and next year can be spent in growth.

In 2012, I want to continue to make more of an effort to connect with people. I've learned the power of sending someone a card in the mail or asking them out to lunch for no special reason at all. I know now that to really reach out and love someone is the most incredible feeling a person can have. I'm praying for a selfless year...one where I continue to get my joy from doorbell ditching a loved one on my way home from work in the morning and leaving a pot of flowers and a hot coffee on their front porch. One where I would give anything and everything I own to be able to take the pain and frustration away from my friends and family because when they hurt, I literally hurt. One where in a few weeks, I'll look into the eyes of a human being that my husband and I created and know that I would die for him if I had to without giving it a second thought.

I'm ready to take it to a whole new level. Bring it on, 2012.