The End.

That's how New Year's has always felt to me. Like the end. So many people look at it as a fresh start and the beginning of a...well...new year. Maybe I'm more of a glass-half-empty kind of girl than I took myself to be?

I've been awake for a few hours now, just reflecting. 2011 was one of my biggest years yet and I'm sort of sad to see it come to a close. It was New Year's Eve last year that I "became pregnant" with Eden (if you know how they date pregnancies, you get it. If not, you don't need to.) The first 13 weeks of the year were spent getting ready for that little one who never came to live with us. The next 35 days were spent crying over that little one. The eight months after that were spent remembering her and getting to know and love her little brother. Here I sit, exactly one year after my pregnancy with Eden began...and less than six weeks away from meeting Nolan. Part of me has forgotten what it is like to not be pregnant.

Along with my two babies, 2011 brought me a deeper level of love and compassion. My relationship with Chris is better than it has ever been. We've come to appreciate each other for who we are as well as who we are not and I feel like we've fallen into a place of acceptance. We will always push each other to be better people, but we've both learned that who we are at our core is not going to change and we honestly love each other for our cores. I don't think I could really say that before this year.

2011 was a time to rebuild a lot of the chaos and crumble of 2010. My family is coming to the end of this year standing on a more solid ground than we have in a long time. There will always be challenges, but as a unit we've learned how to work through them and we are adjusting to life as it is now. This year was definitely one of healing. The walls that fell are rebuilt, and next year can be spent in growth.

In 2012, I want to continue to make more of an effort to connect with people. I've learned the power of sending someone a card in the mail or asking them out to lunch for no special reason at all. I know now that to really reach out and love someone is the most incredible feeling a person can have. I'm praying for a selfless year...one where I continue to get my joy from doorbell ditching a loved one on my way home from work in the morning and leaving a pot of flowers and a hot coffee on their front porch. One where I would give anything and everything I own to be able to take the pain and frustration away from my friends and family because when they hurt, I literally hurt. One where in a few weeks, I'll look into the eyes of a human being that my husband and I created and know that I would die for him if I had to without giving it a second thought.

I'm ready to take it to a whole new level. Bring it on, 2012. 

Mysterious Ways.

It was a little over a year ago that I wrote my first blog post. I had such high hopes for 2011 and was going to type it all out for the everyone to read. I was going to change the world. By today, I should have completed at least 365 selfless acts with each one described in beautiful detail on this page.

Well...this is post number 72. That's just a little shy of 365, huh? I started out strong with the Dashboard concert and my beauty reminder. I had every single intention of continuing down that road. Then, on January 30, 2011, I woke up to this:

Sorry for the blurry picture, I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking...

My whole world (including my blog) was turned upside-down in that instant. I began trusting God in a way that I didn't know was possible. He'd finally given me what I'd been praying for and waiting for the entire year of 2010. There was a baby growing inside of me that I loved more than anything and she consumed me. I touched on my pregnancy here, and didn't write again until April when I lost her.

I had no idea what God was doing at the time. All I knew was I was a broken human being and needed an outlet. This blog became just that. I didn't think anyone would find my heartbreak worth reading about, but I was wrong. I started getting responses to my posts from people I have never met. After my miscarriage, I gained regular readers in Malaysia, Canada, Germany, Russia, United Kingdom, Australia, Bahamas, Egypt, India, Saudi Arabia, Hong Kong, Belgium, Denmark, Kuwait, and all over the United States. People started reaching out to me and sending me messages to let me know how much my honesty was helping them heal from their own loss. I've had a couple of my posts (like this one and this one) reposted by other hurting parents on their personal blogs because I was able to put into words how they were feeling but couldn't make their friends and family understand.

I know that those words were not fully mine. God took my intention for this blog and used my baby girl to change the world in a completely different way than I thought I wanted to. He gave me the strength and the compassion for others to open myself up and let my readers know that their feelings are not strange or invalid. My goal was surpassed and I was able to reach people on a much larger scale than I would have with my diary of random acts of kindness.

His plan is so much more massive than we can comprehend. I do not for a second believe that the only reason Eden was taken from us was to help people through this blog. There is so much more to it than that. I do, however, believe that my reason for starting this blog a year ago was to document what I went through when I lost her. I had no idea how God was going to twist and turn it at the time, but I'm so thankful for how it has turned out. I do not believe I failed because my original goal was not met. I know that people were blessed through this blog over the last year and that was exactly what I wanted to happen. His ways are so much better than my own.

Progress.

Here is my new and improved list. What a difference a few days can make! I obviously still have so much to do but I'm starting to feel like it is possible for us to get it all done before Nolan makes his debut.

• Chris and I need to get our TDAP vaccines, like, yesterday. I also need to talk with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles who will be around Nolan and let them know it is recommended that they get it as well. I talked to some family and just need to talk to a few more people. We're hoping to get our shots tomorrow.
• I need to get in contact with my short term disability company to make sure I have all of that in order and figure out exactly how much our check will be when he is born.
• I still have so much cleaning and organizing to do. Obviously I have to set up his nursery, but I have a whole load of furniture that needs to be cleared out of my house before that can even start to happen. Furniture is moved and I've made some major progress on cleaning this week!
• I haven't even looked at diaper bags. Bought one! We just have to pick it up tomorrow.
• I can't decide on a mattress for his crib. It will be delivered on Thursday!
• What? I need bedding to go in his crib too? Another decision I'm struggling with. I just put some sheets on my registry.
• Maybe I should start with actually putting his crib together...or taking it out of the box... Done and done!
• I think my insurance covers pumps but I haven't called them to check on what brand or anything else for that matter.
• I haven't even started Christmas shopping. I should be done tomorrow!
• Christmas cards. Not this year. I just can't. We didn't decorate either.
• I mentioned to Chris that I wanted to schedule a tour of the hospital I'll be delivering in. This may or may not get crossed of the list soon as well.
• We have a few pediatricians that we want to interview. When? Who knows. Then we actually have to pick one.
• I just looked up a list of things to pack for the hospital...Heaven help me.
• I haven't bought a new bra in over a year. The thought of even looking at nursing bras makes me want to vomit but I know I need to...eventually.
• I need to finish Nolan's dresser and mirror that I'm refinishing for his room. I'm not crossing this off, but at least it is now sitting in the nursery instead of my mom's driveway.
• Lots and lots of baby (and mommy and daddy) laundry.
• I need to get my FMLA paperwork to Kathy so she can get it done and I can get it turned in and crossed off this list. I have an appointment next Wednesday and she told me to bring it in then.
• We need to figure out what in the world is going on with Chris' job and his FMLA (like how he can even get his hands on the paperwork he needs?!) Hopefully he'll have his paperwork by Wednesday so we can get it in together.
• I need to get the side panel on my car fixed so it isn't ripped up more and more each time we put a car seat in the backseat. My whole car needs to be cleaned really well when that is done.
• I need to call my landlord and let him know that we will have another person living in our house in 8 weeks.
• Somewhere in the middle of all of that I'm supposed to eat healthy and balanced meals, pamper myself, enjoy these last couple of months of "freedom" with Chris, exercise, prop my legs up, and get lots and lots of rest (can you hear the sarcasm?) Right. I'm trying!

Under The Stress.

This picture is 5 weeks old but it is by far my favorite one of him. I could stare at his face all day long...

I can't believe how much I love Nolan already. I talk to him and think about him all the time. There are times when I lay in bed and can't sleep so I will wake him up just so I can play with him. Feeling him move in my stomach is by far the most incredible thing I've ever experienced. The thought of him hurting or anything happening to him brings instant tears to my eyes. I can't wait to actually meet him...but the thought of no longer having him with me 24/7 in just a few weeks makes me want to cry.

I just read through my last post and I felt like I needed to get this out there too. Every single thing I'm doing is beyond worth it. Nolan and his daddy mean everything to me and all of the chaos is beautiful because in the end I get the two of them.

Chaos.

I obviously haven't written in a long time. Not that I think I have tons of readers waiting on the edge of their seat for my next post, but it is nice for me to be able to go back and read what I've written. I feel like I've neglected documenting 98.9% of my pregnancy and here I am, 56 days away from Nolan's due date, and don't have much of anything in this blog to show for it. I still have a couple of posts sitting in my draft box that I promise will be up eventually (again, like you all are waiting on the edge of your seats...)

Anyways, did I just say 56 days?!

Oh. My. Gosh.

Would anyone care to explain where the last 32 weeks have gone? December will be over before I know it. I figured out last night as I was writing out our middle of the month bills that I will only do that one more time before Nolan is here. I'm freaking out. It seems like every spare second of my days off are mapped out and packed full of projects around the house and things I need to get done before he is born and I'm still not anywhere near where I need to be. I'm feeling the crunch in a very bad way.

What have I accomplished? Maybe I'll feel better if I type it out...

• We bought his crib (although it is still in a box in our living room.)
• Downstairs is under control (but nowhere near as clean and sanitary as I'd like.)
• Our upstairs bathroom is decent (again, nowhere near where I'd like it to be.)
• My FMLA and disability paperwork is filled out and ready to be dropped off at my doctor's office for my midwife to complete her part (whenever I remember to do that.)
• We have his stroller, car seat, and swing ready to go (we just need want to get another base for our second car.)
• His coming home outfit is ready and sitting on his car seat.
• We have one coat of paint on his dresser...movin' right along with that project...
• I bought the lanterns for his nursery (but they're still in their wrappers.)
• He has a few blankets, a bath towel, some small toys, and a few outfits thanks to excited grandparents.
• My registry is almost complete. Hey, it is close enough...it is going on this list.

Is that really all I have done? Okay...that made me feel a little worse. I've been working so hard. Where has all of my hard work gone?

Now for what I still have to get done. This is going to be scary...

• Chris and I need to get our TDAP vaccines, like, yesterday. I also need to talk with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles who will be around Nolan and let them know it is recommended that they get it as well.
• I need to get in contact with my short term disability company to make sure I have all of that in order and figure out exactly how much our check will be when he is born.
• I still have so much cleaning and organizing to do. Obviously I have to set up his nursery, but I have a whole load of furniture that needs to be cleared out of my house before that can even start to happen.
• I haven't even looked at diaper bags.
• I can't decide on a mattress for his crib.
• What? I need bedding to go in his crib too? Another decision I'm struggling with.
• Maybe I should start with actually putting his crib together...or taking it out of the box...
• I think my insurance covers pumps but I haven't called them to check on what brand or anything else for that matter.
• I haven't even started Christmas shopping.
• Christmas cards. Not this year. I just can't. We didn't decorate either.
• I mentioned to Chris that I wanted to schedule a tour of the hospital I'll be delivering in. This may or may not get crossed of the list soon as well.
• We have a few pediatricians that we want to interview. When? Who knows. Then we actually have to pick one.
• I just looked up a list of things to pack for the hospital...Heaven help me.
• I haven't bought a new bra in over a year. The thought of even looking at nursing bras makes me want to vomit but I know I need to...eventually.
• I need to finish Nolan's dresser and mirror that I'm refinishing for his room.
• Lots and lots of baby (and mommy and daddy) laundry.
• I need to get my FMLA paperwork to Kathy so she can get it done and I can get it turned in and crossed off this list.
• We need to figure out what in the world is going on with Chris' job and his FMLA (like how he can even get his hands on the paperwork he needs?!)
• I need to get the side panel on my car fixed so it isn't ripped up more and more each time we put a car seat in the backseat. My whole car needs to be cleaned really well when that is done.
• I need to call my landlord and let him know that we will have another person living in our house in 8 weeks.
• Somewhere in the middle of all of that I'm supposed to eat healthy and balanced meals, pamper myself, enjoy these last couple of months of "freedom" with Chris, exercise, prop my legs up, and get lots and lots of rest (can you hear the sarcasm?) Right.

I'm sure I could come up with more but I'm getting seriously depressed. Maybe anxious is a better word...stressed out...I don't know. I know that Nolan will be beyond worth it and when he is in my arms, none of those things will matter at that moment. But they do matter now and they will when he gets home. These are things I need to have done so he can be born into a comfortable and stable environment and they will be done before he is born if it kills me. I just need about 80 more hours in a week.

So...long story short...sorry I haven't been blogging much.