Sunday, September 18, 2011

Tacks On My Chair.

Chris and I had an interesting conversation tonight while we were eating dinner. Apparently, we both have been feeling the same way about a lot of things but we were too nervous to express it to each other (which is very unlike us.) We both feel like we're on the edge of something...we just don't know what. I don't know how successful I'll be at typing this out, but I'm going to try.

We are happy...but we're not. I love my life right now and for where I am at right this very second, I wouldn't change a thing. However, this is not what I want for my life in the long run. I'm not okay with stopping here. I feel like so many people have their first child and other things go on hold. I'm not that kind of person.

Chris' job situation has been frustrating for both of us lately. He wants so badly to get through school and has a grant that is just sitting there waiting for him, yet his work schedule makes it completely impossible for that to happen. They refuse to budge, even just a little bit. We walk a fine line nowadays between being thankful for his job, and wishing he didn't so he could finish his certification and move on to what he loves to do.

I love my job and wouldn't go anywhere if I could, but I feel stuck knowing that I wouldn't have that option right now if I chose to. We need things that only my job can provide at the moment. That is a very scary position to be in with a baby on the way and the possibility of bed rest or complications with the delivery.

I am so blessed with a husband that will literally do anything for me. He works so hard through tears and a disgusting amount of stress without complaining to take care of our family. He deserves so much better than this. I have told him from day one that I will follow him wherever he goes and I will support him in any decision he makes for us. We are a team, but I trust him to lead me. We are really there for each other through thick and thin.

Chris said tonight that he would love to see what our life will be like in 20 years. I'd be curious to see that too. I know this is all part of the ride. We'll get there when we get there. We shouldn't wish time away. I just feel restless right now. I'm anxious to see what my husband is going to accomplish. He has such big plans for us (a lot of which I had no idea about until tonight) and I'm ready to get things going! Is that so much to ask?

*Sorry for the choppy paragraphs. I don't feel like I have ever written a post that flowed so poorly. Oh well, what do you do?*

1 comment:

  1. This is SOOO weird because I keep thinking about how I want Cooper to stay small and I don't like thinking about him being grown up and going to college. I don't want to imagine 20 years from now because I want Cooper to stay this way forever. And once Nolan is here you will see how fast time flies by. I know you are restless now but very soon you will be wishing time to slow down because it will move very fast. So strange that I was thinking about texting you and saying "do you ever think about when our kids will be grown up" then I read this and we are like on similar brain waves.