Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Didn't See That Coming.

It is creeping up on me. This coming Friday, I should be 38 weeks pregnant. I have been so focused on making sure Nolan is healthy and growing that Eden has sort of been pushed to the back of my mind (I feel so horrible saying that.) Now, out of nowhere, her should-be-birthday is just about here. It was 25 weeks ago today that we found out her heart was no longer beating. How is that even possible?

I've been thinking about her more and more over the last week or so. Right after my surgery, I scheduled some time off work around what was supposed to be her due date. I hoped that Chris and I would be in a position that we could take an amazing vacation to celebrate her and take our minds off of the sadness at the same time. Of course, with his job situation, that didn't end up being a possibility. Up until today, I planned on spending the two weeks relaxing at home and getting things ready for Nolan.

Thankfully, God had other plans and Chris found out yesterday that he has two days off in a row in October, including her due date. He never gets two days off in a row! We decided we'd take a mini vacation and go somewhere we haven't been together before. We ended up getting an amazing deal on a gorgeous hotel room in Park City ($138.00 total for two nights in a nearly $300.00 a night room!) You can't tell me God did not have a hand in that. He knew we needed to get away, just the two of us. We'll head down there when he gets off work on the 6th and we'll be able to spend her entire due date (the 7th) down there relaxing, remembering, and enjoying each other. We'll come home the evening of the 8th.

After we booked the hotel last night, I was sat on the couch with Paisley to relax before I had to leave for work. Instead, I was slapped in the face with grief. I received a picture from a friend who had just delivered her baby girl a few hours prior. Now, I've had friends give birth since I lost Eden. I've held babies, cuddled them, rejoiced with dear friends as they became moms and dads for the first time, and all without even a twinge of sadness for my own. Honestly! This baby girl, however, was due on October 7...the same day as Eden. I have wondered for a long time how I would react to her birth and I thought I still had a couple of weeks to prepare myself, but she decided to make her debut early and catch me off guard. I instantly burst into tears. Chris jumped up and ran to my side asking who died. Yeah. It was that bad.

*What happened next I do not blame anyone for. Chris just happened to be the person at my side at the time, but I'm sure the conversation would have been similar no matter who I was with. He is not insensitive and misses Eden just as much as I do.*

Chris began to remind me that I'm pregnant again and I need to focus on Nolan instead of Eden. He told me that it isn't healthy to be jealous of other people's babies and that I shouldn't be sad. I, through my sobs, explained to him that this has nothing to do with Nolan and it has nothing to do with being jealous of my friend's baby. Nolan and Eden were two separate lives and just because I have him growing inside of me doesn't discount the fact that she died inside of me just 30 days before he came to be. Just because I'm upset about Eden doesn't mean I love Nolan any less. They are two completely different people.

As for being jealous of the new baby...that is not the case either. I'm thrilled that her baby is healthy and there weren't any complications with her delivery. Her baby is not my baby. I was just sad because it was my first visual reminder of what I don't have. That little girl is how big and how cuddly and how warm Eden would be right now if she didn't die. Up until now, I've only had my imagination and a few ultrasound pictures to go off of. Now, I have a beautiful, living, breathing human being that was to be born on the same exact day as my baby girl to look at and compare to my dreams of what could have been.

As soon as I explained my feelings to Chris, he turned around very fast. He knew where my heart was and I think my sudden outburst of emotion just caught him off guard. He spent the next hour holding me and letting me cry.

These next 16 days should be interesting...

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