Friday, February 3, 2012

In Tears.

I just left my last shift at work for 12 weeks and am officially on maternity leave. I had such a strange feeling driving home knowing that the next time I made that drive, I would have a nearly three month old baby boy. I started really reflecting on the last nine months and how incredible they have been. After losing Eden, I didn't think I could trust my body again. I felt broken and worthless. When Nolan came along, I kept waiting for him to be taken from me too. As I watched him grow, I began to regain faith in myself and in the fact that I am supposed to be a mother after all.

I came home and sat down with my laptop knowing I was too deep in thought to be able to sleep. I am thankful I did because I found this quote (it is referring to stretch marks after pregnancy):

 "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it." 

Oh my gosh...more tears. I realized at this moment how much I absolutely love being pregnant. I have had my moments of being uncomfortable and I'll admit I have done my fair share of complaining, but nothing compares to what I have experienced over the last nine months. There is nothing I love more than laying in bed and feeling Nolan's hiccups or his little jabs at my hand. I can't think of the last time I felt lonely...

Obviously I am excited for him to be born and I don't go an hour without thinking about that moment when I will get to hold him and look into his eyes for the first time, but I am okay being pregnant for a while longer too. The beauty so outweighs the swollen feet and sore back are nothing to me when I am sitting in a quiet room with my hand on my belly...just the two of us. I know it sounds selfish, but I am thankful for this time that I get him to myself. I plan on spending my last few days of pregnancy soaking in every kick, nudge, hiccup, and flip until he is no longer in me. I'll share him with the world when that time comes, but for these last few days he is mine.

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