I'm Not Doubting. Just Wondering.

Okay, maybe I'm doubting a little bit. It is confession time. Lately I have been thinking about if I'll ever even have children at all. It seems like everyone around me is having babies. Every time I get online, I see new announcements. "I painted the nursery today!" "My husband felt her kick!" "Soandso was born this morning weighing suchandsuch and is thisandthat inches long!"

Every time I see something like that, I am overwhelmed with joy for the new parents. I can honestly say that from the bottom of my heart. But I would be full of it if I didn't say I felt a little tug at my heart. I (unlike a lot of women I talk to) am able to separate their baby from my lack of a baby. I don't want pregnant women feeling awkward because they are and I am not. I love, love, love babies. All babies. I love pregnancy. I just want to join the club. There is nothing wrong with that, right?

But part of me is starting to think that day isn't coming. Why is it taking so long? We're now over a year into "trying." I should be 21 weeks pregnant but...well...we all know how that turned out. So, assuming I get pregnant again soon, I still have to make it through 40 weeks of what I can only assume will be terrifying bliss. That brings us to February of next year (if I'm pregnant now, which I'm not.) Yet, I'm surrounded by brand-newlyweds, unweds, and people not even trying (who do not want children and make it known) with perfect pregnancies. How does God pick who He sends these children to? What makes that random lady across town with 14 kids that she doesn't want, no insurance, no home, no car, and a mean drug addiction a better candidate than I am? She gets pregnant with yet another baby that she doesn't want, while I'm stuck here sacrificing my sanity, my money, my time, and my health for a phantom child that I may or may not meet one day?

This isn't about the random lucky pregnant people. This is about me. I think about my future child every single day. Today, my vision was more than a little blurred. I have been so optimistic for so long, and I can feel it fading. It is sad when I expect to see a negative instead of a positive. 8, 9, or 10 months ago I was so sure I was pregnant every single month (even when I wasn't.) I miss that fresh drive and excitement.

Alright, vent over. Thanks for putting up with my mood swings.

*I feel the need to add that I realize a little over a year of trying is nothing compared to what some of you have gone through. You are stronger than I am and I admire you.*

Annoyance Of The Day.

Pregnancy e-mails are like bad door-to-door salesmen. How many times to I have to tell them "no" before they will stop?

Guess what guys? According to my inbox, I'm a glowing 19 weeks pregnant!

Oh...wait...

Too Much Information.

You know how sometimes I sort of over-share? Well, this is one of those posts. So you can go away now if you want...

My surgery was six weeks ago tomorrow. I had a follow up appointment about two weeks after my surgery where they found some "tissue" that was left behind, whatever that means. They gave me a pill that was supposed to get rid of the rest of it, I took it, that was that.

Then, about a week ago, I started getting severe stabbing pains in my lower stomach. I would feel fine one second, then like someone was running a giant dagger through my body the next. There was one morning that I came home, got in bed, and was actually scared to move because it hurt so bad. I called my doctor's office and spoke with a nurse yesterday morning and explained what was going on. She told me they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have leftover "tissue" (I hate that word) inside that was causing the pain. Needless to say, I had a mini freak-out. I had it made up in my mind that this was the end of my fertility and I was officially infected and scarred.

I scheduled my appointment for first thing this morning. My regular doctor didn't have openings, but I wanted to get in as soon as possible to get on antibiotics if needed. I told them I would take whatever they could give me. Thankfully, the doctor they ended up putting me with was wonderful. I love calm doctors. I tend to be a little...um...high-strung. Whenever I find a doctor that can chill me out, it is a very good thing. This doctor relaxed me more than I thought was possible. He listened to my concerns, and decided to go ahead with the ultrasound. Can I just tell you how much ultrasounds suck nowadays? They suck. Bad. I miss seeing my baby in there. But, on a happy note, it showed a clean, shiny, new uterus! No "tissue" (ugh.) He said everything looks pristine and my body is ready for our new baby whenever he or she decides to come.

As for the pain I was feeling? The way he explained it to me, it was "pregnancy contractions without the continuation of the pregnancy." It was my body's last effort to get rid of anything and everything that should not be in there. Contractions? Really? I have officially experienced all of the crappy parts of pregnancy with no baby to bring home. Oh well. I'm choosing to focus on the positive. This should be my last physical hurdle of this miscarriage. I also got some encouraging information in the mail today that I will be following up on soon (more on that later.)

So, for now, I'm still keepin' on.

Sensation: The Great Art To Life.

I love my Mamma!

Well, as you all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. Chris and I spent some wonderful time with both of our families over the weekend (mine on Saturday, his on Sunday.) I was especially thankful for my mom this year. Having been pregnant, and I have a whole new appreciation for what she went through to have children. I also look at the bond I have with her in a new light. I think about how madly in love I fell with my baby in just 13 weeks...how much stronger is her love for me after 25 years? My mom found out she was pregnant with me exactly 30 days after miscarrying her first baby at 13 weeks. I can't help but think about what a miracle it will be when I get pregnant again, how elated Chris and I will be, how precious and how wanted that new baby will be...I was that miracle to my mom and dad. I was the one my mom wanted and needed so badly after losing her first baby. I miss our baby so bad, but I am anxious to meet the baby (or babies) that we are supposed to bring home.

I won't pretend like yesterday was not a difficult day for me. I cried. A lot. I had so many waves of emotions that I just was not prepared for (especially after coming home to flowers and a Mother's Day card from Chris that morning. He is amazing.) I decided to let myself feel what I needed to, it is part of life and part of my healing. I was thankful for the people who acknowledged me, but not hurt by those who didn't. I know it is a confusing and awkward situation. That is why I chose to spend the weekend making sure the mothers in my life felt loved and special. This was their day to celebrate, and my day to remember in my heart. My time to celebrate will come...

Dinner Is Served.

I am going to try very hard to keep this...um...more informational than emotion-driven. I fully understand that a lot of what I have experienced is a direct result of lack of education on miscarriages and pregnancy loss. I know in my heart people are not hurting me intentionally. These actions are coming from people who love me dearly and I love them back. This is my reason for getting this out there. I feel like women (especially where I live) are so scared to speak out and really let people know what they need from them. Therefor, people go on thinking they are helping when they are hurting and the cycle continues.

Here's the deal. Unfortunately, one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Can you believe that?

One in four.
25%.
A quarter of all pregnancies.

So, as much as I hate to say it, this is something that most people will experience in one way or another at some point in time. Whether it is a friend, a family member, a coworker, or yourself going through it, it is bound to happen at some point. (I feel so horrible even typing that...I would never wish this on my worst enemy.) Yet, even with how often this happens, I've noticed the majority of people still have no idea how to react. I'm not saying everyone should know the exact right thing to say and do, because...quite frankly...the situation is different for everybody. However, there have been a couple of things I've experienced over the last month that I think I'm safe to say people can cross off their "How To Treat A Woman After A Miscarriage" list.

• Do not downplay the life that was growing in my body. I realize I only carried my baby for 13 weeks, but I was with my baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for those 13 weeks. I talked to my baby. I made plans for my baby. I prayed for my baby. Chris and I planned for over a year for our baby and from the second we found out I was pregnant, that life that we had been waiting for was a reality. Comments like "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant" or "This was God's way of getting rid of a defective baby, you should be thankful" or "At least you weren't further along when it happened" don't do me a whole lot of good. They make me feel like my broken heart is invalid and that is not your place to judge.
• Please, as hard as it is for you, don't avoid me. I have been on both sides of grief. I understand how awkward it can be to reach out to a person who is hurting. We had so many people reach out to us the week of  my surgery (which was incredible and I will be thankful forever), but a month later, nobody knows what to say to me. A couple of days ago, I went to a gathering which happened to be my first big outing since before my loss. I was greeted by a few excited friends that I had not seen in a while, but a lot of the time I was dodged by people who were (in reality) too nervous or (my perception) didn't care enough to even come up and say hello. I don't need you to ask how I'm doing if you aren't comfortable bringing it up. If you are comfortable, go for it. I'm not as fragile as I seem. I just need to know that I didn't lose my friends and social life on top of losing my baby. I want to feel included...loved...normal.
• Unless you are at my baby shower or I have a huge, obviously pregnant belly, don't run up to me screaming to congratulate me and rub my stomach. This also happened at above gathering. Four times. I know it takes a little while for a woman's body to return to "normal" after a miscarriage, but I also know I do not look almost twenty weeks pregnant. This is one of those things where I had to just breathe and remind myself that they were just excited and I know it left them feeling more uncomfortable than me when they found out what happened. However, all of this could be avoided. You don't have to feel uncomfortable when I tell you the belly you are rubbing is empty, and I don't have to feel the sting of a "Congratulations!" that I would have and should have been thrilled about but I'm not.
• I'm begging you, don't judge my pregnancy. My husband and I talked about how we would handle every step of my pregnancy together and we do not regret the decisions we made. This includes our decision to tell people after our 9 week appointment when we heard our baby's heartbeat for a second time. I understand that by a lot of people's standards, this is "early." However, if we had waited until the more "correct" announcement time of 12 weeks, we still would have had to "untell" everyone. Now, everyone is different on this, but I was thankful for the support we had after we lost our baby. I would not have felt right knowing my husband and I were mourning our loss alone when that baby had the right to so much more love. Now, this is just my personal opinion and I respect those of you who chose to do things differently. I just ask for the same respect in return. 

I have a feeling that after posting this I will hear either on this blog or in person something along these lines: "Well you can't tell us not to judge you for telling early, then expect everyone to just act normal around you and be mad that people are treating you weird after the fact. That is why people wait. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Blablablablabla."

To that I say: Yes I can. I have every right to be treated with respect after my loss. I also have the right to mourn as loudly or as quietly as I want to for as long as I need to. I had the right to tell people about my pregnancy and be excited about it. My baby deserved to be known and celebrated and now my baby deserves to be missed and I do not regret that one bit. I will not allow people to make me feel ashamed for feeling as I do. I will also try my hardest to not make the same mistake and judge their actions because obviously I don't know how they are feeling either. I just pray that this will shine some light, not only on my story, but on so many of the stories out there. Like I said earlier, this will not be the last time a lot of you are in this situation (and I'm so sorry for that.) Let's all learn from this together and maybe a little something positive will come out of this pile of negative we've been handed.

To all of you who have been amazing through all of this (you know who you are), thank you. It is appreciated more than you'll ever know.

An Appetizer.

I don't know who wrote this. I found it on a blog I was reading this morning and she didn't know the author either. Anyways, it is something good to chew on until I get around to writing my next post. It goes along with what I'm planning on writing about.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, it will all come together soon.

"...And the bonus line that doctors and care providers love to give "It is very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry it is very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.

You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.

When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medics as to why) but the physical signs of a death have occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.

The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss...This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.

You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept...."

Things Aren't Perfect. Look Beyond The Imperfections.

Today? I feel good. I feel optimistic. I feel peaceful.

I have a place in my heart that really hurts when I think of certain things. Like Monday; we were supposed to celebrate our anniversary at our doctor's office by finding out the gender of our baby. Or yesterday when I flipped the rest of the flowers that we'd received the week of my surgery so they could dry. I got an e-mail this morning telling me what to expect now that I am "17 weeks pregnant." I should be feeling my baby kicking and moving away in there. I have so many friends that are due around the same time I should have been. While I'm so happy and honestly can't wait to meet those little ones, the milestones they are hitting serve as a constant and pretty difficult reminder. I wish I could see their growing bellies and their darling ultrasound pictures of their amazing babies with perfect little noses and lips without wondering what our baby would look like right now and comparing everything they have with everything I don't.

Wow. That didn't make me sound very optimistic and peaceful, now did it?

Onto the good part. I thought long and hard about how much I wanted to share on this blog. I have a lot of family and friends that read this that know just how private of a person I am. What is happening to me physically is my business and nobody else needs to hear about it. However, there are people around the world (some that I know, most that I don't) that are looking to this blog for comfort. They are going through what I have gone through and want to know what happens next. Where do we all go from here? How they found me, I don't know, but I can't leave them hanging now. So, that being said, I'm going to be more open than I thought I ever would. If you aren't comfortable with that, *stop reading here!*

I had this strange urge to take a pregnancy test today. Not that I really have any reason to believe I might be pregnant again. I guess it was just more curiosity than anything. Would my Angel still register on a pregnancy test 4 weeks after my surgery? Would I even get a slight line? I mean, I was pregnant for a while. I've heard it can take a couple of months for a woman's HCG levels to get back to normal. But, what if there was a line?! That could mean I was pregnant again (like I said earlier...not happening yet.) How would I know the difference between a pregnancy with my Angel and a new pregnancy? I just had to know. So, I went to the grocery store and bought 4 tests. I planned on only buying one, but I guess old habits die hard.

(Fast forward through taking the test...everyone knows what happens here.)

The test....was....negative! I really thought it would have been harder for me to look at. It was, after all, my first negative test since the middle of December. But I felt so...relieved? Is that the right word? Sort of like I have a clean slate. It is time to move forward, still missing my baby like a crazy person, but continuing on to what God has in store for me next. My flowers are flipped, my pictures are put away in a keepsake box, and my pregnancy test is negative. Bring it on!

My Intentions.

I feel like I need to clarify something. This blog has nothing to do with getting attention for myself. I realize that miscarriages are extremely common and in no way do I think I'm "special" for going through this. I have 2 intentions in writing what I do:

First, I need to get these feelings out for myself. I have always been one to bottle up my emotions and pretend like I'm okay when I'm really not. I'm a really good faker. I don't want to be a burden to people and I really don't want people feeling sorry for me. I would rather pray to God and be held by my husband and let the rest of the world think I'm just fine. However, this is not healthy and if I don't get some of this out in the open I think I might explode.

Second, I need other women to know that what they are feeling is okay. The anger, the hurt, the fear, the sadness...it is all okay. Miscarriages are common and I think a lot of times that means they are downplayed, especially to the women who are experiencing them and the men along side them. Unless you have gone through it, there is no way you can understand the physical and emotional anguish that follows no matter how far along the pregnancy was. A lot of women and men go through their loss without the support and love that my husband and I have been so fortunate to have, and I can't imagine how lonely that must feel. If you are reading this and that sounds familiar, I need you to know you are so loved and you are not alone.

If I Just Smile.

Denial and Isolation. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Denial and Isolation: When I got home from the hospital after finding out our baby's heart stopped beating, I remember laying in bed thinking "What a horrible mistake they made! Obviously our baby was turned funny and hiding their heart. Everything will be better in the morning when they call me to tell me they messed up." When I called the next morning and they told me to come right in for surgery, I was nervous that they were going to scare my baby when the procedure started and they realized my baby was still alive. Even worse, what if they did the surgery without checking and they didn't realize my baby was okay? My baby was growing and healthy and strong and brave just like I had asked God ever single day. What if they did something to hurt or kill my baby?

Anger: They didn't do anything to hurt my baby. My baby died. What I want to know is if this was God's plan from the beginning, why couldn't He have taken my baby sooner? Why did He wait until I was in the "safe zone." We heard the heartbeat. We saw our baby's face. We told EVERYONE. I went through 2 solid months of throwing up every little thing I put in my mouth, including water. Do you want to know the best part? Guess how much it costs to have a baby under my insurance? Nothing. Guess how much it costs to have your baby die under my insurance? So far, almost $1,500.00. The savings that we worked so hard to build up for our baby? Gone. How fair is that? I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But how many people that do not want children and do not plan and save and work and pray so hard for them have them with no problem? How many announcements did I see on Facebook the week after my surgery saying "Well, I guess I'm pregnant, this sucks."? Three. All three friends were deleted instantly. "Their baby has nothing to do with my baby." That's what I always say. Just because they're pregnant doesn't mean my baby isn't coming. Well, guess what? That doesn't help me. I want my baby, and my baby died. I did everything right. I signed up for extra insurance, took my vitamins, and went to all of my check-ups before we even started trying to get pregnant. After my positive tests, I didn't touch caffeine or lunch meat or sea food, I slept when my body told me to sleep, and ate when it told me to eat even though I knew I would just puke it up. I'm stable, married, insured, healthy, and most of all...we wanted this baby more than anything. Both of us. So many people wanted this baby.

Bargaining: I would give anything to be pregnant again. Not just to be pregnant again, but pregnant with my Angel. Anything. God isn't listening to this part...

Depression: You will never get me to admit this to your face, but most of the time I feel like I can't breathe like I should be able to. The air catches in my throat and I can't inhale fully. I spent most of yesterday morning when I got home from work sobbing in my husband's arms. I know this blog will help me eventually, but right now getting these feelings out and reading them back is horrible. I can function and I can have fun and socialize, but when I'm home and I'm alone I have moments where I feel like I'm drowning.

Acceptance: I'll let you know when I get there.


*If you are reading this and you know me, please don't worry. This is for me, I need to get these feelings out there. I need to be able to go back and read them and see that I really am healing, even when I don't feel like it. Keep praying, God is holding me and each prayer is felt. The peace I tell you all I feel is real. These feelings are real too. It's a perfect storm right now in my heart and it will all come together again soon.*

What Makes A Mother.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear,
But my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Faith Isn't Faith Until It Is All You're Holding On To.

This is my first time logging on to this blog since the end of January. Reading my last post for the first time since typing it was incredible. That moment in my life was pure bliss. My husband and I had just found out that we were expecting our first baby earlier that day.

February and March were filled with "morning" sickness that lasted all day long, 15-18 hours of sleep at a time, and a glowing me in the middle of it all. I would literally pick my head up off the toilet and smile knowing that I was sick and that meant there was an amazing baby growing inside of me. I was thankful every single second.

Each time I would lay down to go to sleep (which happened a lot...) I would lay in bed, put both of my hands on my belly, and pray to God that He would keep our baby safe and strong and growing. When I found out that my baby was to the age that he or she would be frightened by loud noises outside of the womb and would actually cry silently, I added to my prayer that God would make our baby brave so I would not feel guilty for being unable to comfort and hug him or her when they were scared. I was so in love.

My husband was taken just as fast as I was with that little one. He instantly fell into the roll of Daddy and caretaker. All I would have to do is mumble that I "sort of" wanted something and he would jump up and go to the store at any time, in any weather, no questions asked. There was one night when he thought I was sleeping that I had my back turned to him and was laying on my side. He woke up, kissed his hand, put it on my tummy, and went back to sleep. He was as much in love as I was.

We had 2 incredible ultrasounds. Our baby was growing and healthy and had a heartbeat of 169 at our second checkup. I can't describe what I felt like to look on that screen and see the flicker of my heartbeat next to the flicker of the heartbeat of our child. The beat was different, but they were the same. That baby was not just in me, that baby was me.

We went to our 13 week appointment and could not wait to see our baby. Sadly, the ultrasound showed our little one's heart was no longer beating. I will not even try to describe that moment. That is for my husband and I. Just know that at 7:30 pm on March 30, 2011, our hearts were shattered.

I had a D&C the next morning and began the start of my new life as Mommy to my Angel. This was not the original idea for this blog, I understand that. For now, it will be my journal...my documentation of my road to healing. I don't know what the rest of this year holds in store for me, but hopefully at the end of it I can look back and see how far I have come. As for right now, I miss my baby.

"No one will ever understand my love for you...after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Faith Is Not Belief Without Proof, But Trust Without Reservation.

Remember a while back when I said I had no idea what I needed in my life and I needed to let go? Well I did, and I was right. I now have another to put on my list of incredible things that happen when I take a deep breath and fall backwards off a cliff knowing that He will catch me.

He always does.

Yesterday was an amazing day and I will be thankful forever.