If I Just Smile.

Denial and Isolation. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Denial and Isolation: When I got home from the hospital after finding out our baby's heart stopped beating, I remember laying in bed thinking "What a horrible mistake they made! Obviously our baby was turned funny and hiding their heart. Everything will be better in the morning when they call me to tell me they messed up." When I called the next morning and they told me to come right in for surgery, I was nervous that they were going to scare my baby when the procedure started and they realized my baby was still alive. Even worse, what if they did the surgery without checking and they didn't realize my baby was okay? My baby was growing and healthy and strong and brave just like I had asked God ever single day. What if they did something to hurt or kill my baby?

Anger: They didn't do anything to hurt my baby. My baby died. What I want to know is if this was God's plan from the beginning, why couldn't He have taken my baby sooner? Why did He wait until I was in the "safe zone." We heard the heartbeat. We saw our baby's face. We told EVERYONE. I went through 2 solid months of throwing up every little thing I put in my mouth, including water. Do you want to know the best part? Guess how much it costs to have a baby under my insurance? Nothing. Guess how much it costs to have your baby die under my insurance? So far, almost $1,500.00. The savings that we worked so hard to build up for our baby? Gone. How fair is that? I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But how many people that do not want children and do not plan and save and work and pray so hard for them have them with no problem? How many announcements did I see on Facebook the week after my surgery saying "Well, I guess I'm pregnant, this sucks."? Three. All three friends were deleted instantly. "Their baby has nothing to do with my baby." That's what I always say. Just because they're pregnant doesn't mean my baby isn't coming. Well, guess what? That doesn't help me. I want my baby, and my baby died. I did everything right. I signed up for extra insurance, took my vitamins, and went to all of my check-ups before we even started trying to get pregnant. After my positive tests, I didn't touch caffeine or lunch meat or sea food, I slept when my body told me to sleep, and ate when it told me to eat even though I knew I would just puke it up. I'm stable, married, insured, healthy, and most of all...we wanted this baby more than anything. Both of us. So many people wanted this baby.

Bargaining: I would give anything to be pregnant again. Not just to be pregnant again, but pregnant with my Angel. Anything. God isn't listening to this part...

Depression: You will never get me to admit this to your face, but most of the time I feel like I can't breathe like I should be able to. The air catches in my throat and I can't inhale fully. I spent most of yesterday morning when I got home from work sobbing in my husband's arms. I know this blog will help me eventually, but right now getting these feelings out and reading them back is horrible. I can function and I can have fun and socialize, but when I'm home and I'm alone I have moments where I feel like I'm drowning.

Acceptance: I'll let you know when I get there.


*If you are reading this and you know me, please don't worry. This is for me, I need to get these feelings out there. I need to be able to go back and read them and see that I really am healing, even when I don't feel like it. Keep praying, God is holding me and each prayer is felt. The peace I tell you all I feel is real. These feelings are real too. It's a perfect storm right now in my heart and it will all come together again soon.*