Warning: This post may be very disturbing to some of you. I'd advise those of you closest to Nolan (Mom-I'm directing this at you) to probably skip this post.
About an hour before I left to work tonight, I was overcome with the feeling that Nolan was going to die. Normally I'd be fine to let him play with Chris as I did my hair in makeup for the day, but I kept him wrapped on my chest the entire time. I couldn't put him down. Chris was headed to his parent's house for dinner as I left tor the evening and I kissed Nolan about thirty times before I could put him in his carseat. I left out the front door and the boys went out the back. I felt like throwing up the second I shut the door. I hurried up, got in my car, and sped around to the back of the house before Chris got Nolan in the car. I fought the urge to get out and kiss my baby again, but I wanted to...bad.
I've never felt this way before. I've had the normal new mom fears. I do my research and take the steps needed to be sure he is safe. I worry if he seems sick and I probably overthink a lot of what I do. I'm doing the best that I know how. He isn't sick right now. He is growing and healthy and strong...I have no specific reason to feel the way I did earlier.
Last night I had a dream that I was staying in a large bed and breakfast with my family. I left Nolan with the lady that owned the house as she was baking cookies. She was so sweet and loved him and I felt completely safe with her. I went upstairs to grab something and when I went back down to her, she handed me Nolan's burpcloth. It had been washed and ironed and was on a hanger. His blue sailboat binkie was hanging around the hook of the hanger. She didn't say anything to me.
All of a sudden, I heard Chris screaming my name. He was down another flight of stairs. I dropped the burp cloth and ran down the steps so fast that my feet barely even touched them. I already knew. He was holding Nolan...and he was blue. Chris had his face burried in Nolan's chest and was screaming. I fell to my knees and that's all that I remember. I woke up shortly after that with my hand on Nolan's chest (he's still sleeping next to our bed) and he was smiling up at me.
I have a hard time shaking dreams and feelings like those. I know in my heart that Nolan is safe. There is still that tiny part in the back of my mind that believes that since God works in such strange ways sometimes, maybe I'm being prepared for something horrible. I wish I could get that part of my mind to shut up. The part that says I'm having these feelings so that I stop and give him an extra kiss before I leave for work so that if something happens, that won't be one of my regrets.
I had Chris bring Nolan in to see me at work on his way home from his parent's house tonight. I held him and loved on him and kissed him before they went home. I felt physically sick as Chris drove away with him in the backseat. Right now, I'm going to credit my dream with my horrific feelings. Nolan is just fine. I just haven't felt this way before and felt like I needed to get it out. I'm sorry if this bothered any of my readers...I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I just love that boy so much. He is my world right now and I really think I would die if anything were to happen to him.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Four Months.
Okay...so this post is a little late. Nolan turned four months old over a week ago. Life has a tendency to get a little nuts while working 40 hours a week and caring for an infant. He is so worth it though. He is amazing.
He started sleeping through the night a couple of weeks ago. He was waking up at around 3:00 every morning for a bottle, but we switched him to a new formula with rice cereal in it and *BAM*! He slept for eight hours the first night, nine hours the second, and twelve hours from there on out! He's had one or two nights that he's fussed a little, but for the most part he sleeps all night long. It is so wonderful. I get off work at 3:00 in the morning and I'm still able to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before we're up for the day. Also, he's stopped crying when he wakes up in the morning. He'll just sort of grunt and turn over in his bed to watch me until I wake up. Chris said that he got up for work the other morning and I was fast asleep but Nolan was wide awake just staring at me with his mouth wide open like "Wake up, Mommy!" He's so funny.
Speaking of rice cereal, we gave him solids for his first time on Father's Day, June 17th. He'd been showing an interest in food for a while and grabbing at our plates, so we figured we'd give it a shot once we got the go ahead from his doctor. Dr. Hawks told us we were clear to start at his appointment on the 14th but we wanted to wait until my night off so Chris and I could both be there for it. The doctor warned us that Nolan would probably only take a bite or two and he'd probably spit most of it out. He said that Nolan wouldn't know what to do with a spoon. Obviously he doesn't know our family because, like us, our kid is a natural born eater. He took his first bite like he'd been eating off a spoon his whole life! He knew exactly what to do with it! He ate a small bowl of cereal that first night and we've given it to him every night but one since then. He's still getting the hang of it and it is a little messy, but mostly because he likes to put his hand in his bowl and play with his dinner. He's starting early.
His four month appointment went really well. He's up to 14 pounds and 3 ounces! He's right in the 50th percentile for his weight. My tall little love is over 25 inches long now which puts him in the 75th percentile for his length. He has such long and skinny legs. He barely has any chub on his entire body! How is he our child? He got his vaccinations and that always breaks my heart. He was staring up at the nurses and smiling and all of a sudden they jabbed these needles in his legs and he started screaming. They ruined his day. I got to run to the rescue though and hug him and make things better which is the only part of the whole thing that I actually enjoy.
He laughs and smiles all the time. He is such a happy baby. The only time he ever cries is if I don't get him a bottle in time and that is my own fault. He's taking between 6 and 9 ounces at a time and has started spacing his bottles out to only 4 or 5 a day. I'm trying to adjust to his new schedule which means I don't always have his meal ready when he wants it. I'm getting the hang of it though.
He has rolled over from belly to back a couple of times and from back to belly once (he was not happy about that one.) He hasn't shown much interest in rolling since then. He'll roll to his side to get a better view of things but he just stops there. He's much more happy if we help him stand up. He can support all of his weight on his little chicken legs and just needs help to balance. He smiles instantly the second he's in a standing position. I really need to get him a jumper.
He's comfortably fitting in 3-6 month clothing and size 2 diapers. We've stopped swaddling him at night because he outgrew the one he had. I didn't want to spend money on a new one and have to worry about him since he started rolling. We tried putting him in wearable blankets for bed a couple of times, but that didn't work out. He hates having his feet covered by blankets. It was okay when he was swaddled because it was tight on his feet, but the wearable blanket really frustrated him. He would wake himself up trying to kick the blanket off his toes, but obviously he couldn't because it was zipped around him. We switched to footed cotton sleepers and he started sleeping through the night again. My strange little love...so particular.
He plays with toys now. I mean, really plays with them. He'll grab at things he likes and stare at them and pass them from hand to hand. His favorite toy is this little crinkly fabric Winnie The Pooh book. I took him to Babies R Us a couple of days ago to get him a highchair and there was a small toy giraffe that was made of the same material. I picked it up and showed it to him and he got the most serious look on his face like "Mommy, I need that...now." I gave it to him and he hugged it, then shoved it in his mouth. He loved it so much! I had to buy it for him. He has had it with him for two days straight. Giraffe buddy is his new best friend. We'll have to come up with a better name for him than that...
Time is flying. I can't believe he is 1/3 of a year old. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday at the hospital where he was born. I hadn't been there since the night we took him home. I got so emotional walking through those doors knowing that the last time I did I was pregnant and ready to meet my baby. Now he is here and perfect and I can barely remember life without him. Between Nolan and Chris, I'm one blessed girl. I don't deserve either of them, yet I go home to both every night. I love my life.
I'm still working on getting his four month pictures uploaded and edited. I'll do a photo-dump when I get them done...promise.
He started sleeping through the night a couple of weeks ago. He was waking up at around 3:00 every morning for a bottle, but we switched him to a new formula with rice cereal in it and *BAM*! He slept for eight hours the first night, nine hours the second, and twelve hours from there on out! He's had one or two nights that he's fussed a little, but for the most part he sleeps all night long. It is so wonderful. I get off work at 3:00 in the morning and I'm still able to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before we're up for the day. Also, he's stopped crying when he wakes up in the morning. He'll just sort of grunt and turn over in his bed to watch me until I wake up. Chris said that he got up for work the other morning and I was fast asleep but Nolan was wide awake just staring at me with his mouth wide open like "Wake up, Mommy!" He's so funny.
Speaking of rice cereal, we gave him solids for his first time on Father's Day, June 17th. He'd been showing an interest in food for a while and grabbing at our plates, so we figured we'd give it a shot once we got the go ahead from his doctor. Dr. Hawks told us we were clear to start at his appointment on the 14th but we wanted to wait until my night off so Chris and I could both be there for it. The doctor warned us that Nolan would probably only take a bite or two and he'd probably spit most of it out. He said that Nolan wouldn't know what to do with a spoon. Obviously he doesn't know our family because, like us, our kid is a natural born eater. He took his first bite like he'd been eating off a spoon his whole life! He knew exactly what to do with it! He ate a small bowl of cereal that first night and we've given it to him every night but one since then. He's still getting the hang of it and it is a little messy, but mostly because he likes to put his hand in his bowl and play with his dinner. He's starting early.
His four month appointment went really well. He's up to 14 pounds and 3 ounces! He's right in the 50th percentile for his weight. My tall little love is over 25 inches long now which puts him in the 75th percentile for his length. He has such long and skinny legs. He barely has any chub on his entire body! How is he our child? He got his vaccinations and that always breaks my heart. He was staring up at the nurses and smiling and all of a sudden they jabbed these needles in his legs and he started screaming. They ruined his day. I got to run to the rescue though and hug him and make things better which is the only part of the whole thing that I actually enjoy.
He laughs and smiles all the time. He is such a happy baby. The only time he ever cries is if I don't get him a bottle in time and that is my own fault. He's taking between 6 and 9 ounces at a time and has started spacing his bottles out to only 4 or 5 a day. I'm trying to adjust to his new schedule which means I don't always have his meal ready when he wants it. I'm getting the hang of it though.
He has rolled over from belly to back a couple of times and from back to belly once (he was not happy about that one.) He hasn't shown much interest in rolling since then. He'll roll to his side to get a better view of things but he just stops there. He's much more happy if we help him stand up. He can support all of his weight on his little chicken legs and just needs help to balance. He smiles instantly the second he's in a standing position. I really need to get him a jumper.
He's comfortably fitting in 3-6 month clothing and size 2 diapers. We've stopped swaddling him at night because he outgrew the one he had. I didn't want to spend money on a new one and have to worry about him since he started rolling. We tried putting him in wearable blankets for bed a couple of times, but that didn't work out. He hates having his feet covered by blankets. It was okay when he was swaddled because it was tight on his feet, but the wearable blanket really frustrated him. He would wake himself up trying to kick the blanket off his toes, but obviously he couldn't because it was zipped around him. We switched to footed cotton sleepers and he started sleeping through the night again. My strange little love...so particular.
He plays with toys now. I mean, really plays with them. He'll grab at things he likes and stare at them and pass them from hand to hand. His favorite toy is this little crinkly fabric Winnie The Pooh book. I took him to Babies R Us a couple of days ago to get him a highchair and there was a small toy giraffe that was made of the same material. I picked it up and showed it to him and he got the most serious look on his face like "Mommy, I need that...now." I gave it to him and he hugged it, then shoved it in his mouth. He loved it so much! I had to buy it for him. He has had it with him for two days straight. Giraffe buddy is his new best friend. We'll have to come up with a better name for him than that...
Time is flying. I can't believe he is 1/3 of a year old. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday at the hospital where he was born. I hadn't been there since the night we took him home. I got so emotional walking through those doors knowing that the last time I did I was pregnant and ready to meet my baby. Now he is here and perfect and I can barely remember life without him. Between Nolan and Chris, I'm one blessed girl. I don't deserve either of them, yet I go home to both every night. I love my life.
I'm still working on getting his four month pictures uploaded and edited. I'll do a photo-dump when I get them done...promise.
Friday, June 8, 2012
There's This Boy.
He has completely and utterly stolen my heart. I don't think about much other than Nolan. Every day he is growing and changing. He is so smart and clever and incredible. He laughs and smiles all the time. He loves life. Watching him discover the world is such a privilege. That sounds cheesy, but honestly it is. I get to watch a brand new person see and experience everything for the first time!
His first laugh was to die for. Chris had just got home from work on 4/27 and we were sitting in the living room together. I'd been tickling Nolan's neck and chest most of the day to try to get him to giggle...he was so close! Finally, out of nowhere, he busted up laughing. Loud, adorable, belly laughs. Cute doesn't even begin to describe it! Chris started recording and we were able to get about a second of the end of the laugh on tape.
There are so many more things that he has learned, but I want to save those for his 4 month post next week (what?!) For now, I wanted to drop in and say how in love I am. Weird, huh?
His first laugh was to die for. Chris had just got home from work on 4/27 and we were sitting in the living room together. I'd been tickling Nolan's neck and chest most of the day to try to get him to giggle...he was so close! Finally, out of nowhere, he busted up laughing. Loud, adorable, belly laughs. Cute doesn't even begin to describe it! Chris started recording and we were able to get about a second of the end of the laugh on tape.
There are so many more things that he has learned, but I want to save those for his 4 month post next week (what?!) For now, I wanted to drop in and say how in love I am. Weird, huh?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
5/14/2012
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| My little buddy. |
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| I should have put my hair under "Nolan Loves" because he is kind of obsessed. |
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| The one smile I captured all day. |
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| He just wanted to talk instead. |
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| Officially as big as Scruffy! |
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| How is this possible? |
Three Months.
This post is a couple of days late. I've been pretty busy with work and...work... Anyways, little boy is a quarter of a year old! He is such an amazing baby and I don't have to have a more difficult child to know how blessed I am. He puts himself to sleep every night. He hardly ever cries. He smiles and laughs and hugs and coos like nobody's business.
I miss not being able to be with him all day, every day. He is learning and growing so fast. He has just become enthralled by his toys. This morning he woke up before I was ready to get out of bed so I put a little stuffed elephant in his cradle with him. He went nuts! He gets this hilarious look in his eyes when he is focusing really hard on something. He sort of squints and goes cross eyed and bats at whatever he is playing with. I could watch him for hours.
His hair is getting longer so I can put a little bit of Vaseline in it and spike it into a mohawk. He looks adorable. It never stays up for very long though.
He is still wearing 0-3 month clothes with a couple of 3-6 month items thrown in here and there. We had to switch him to size 2 diapers which I was a little sad about. We have a bunch of size 1 diapers that will now be turned into a diaper cake or something.
He laughed for the first time on April 27 and rolled over for the first time from tummy to back on May 15.
I had a hard time getting him to smile for his 3 month pictures. He is really interested in the camera and whenever I take it out, he stops whatever he is doing and stares at it. When the camera is put away, he basically never stops smiling. He has the most handsome, crooked smile. He won't laugh regularly. I've only been able to get about 5 deep belly laughs out of him. He giggles at the most random things! The first time he really laughed, I was pretending to tickle him. Now he just laughs at me laughing. He kills me.
Now, it is time for Nolan Loves and Nolan Doesn't Like!
Nolan Loves:
I miss not being able to be with him all day, every day. He is learning and growing so fast. He has just become enthralled by his toys. This morning he woke up before I was ready to get out of bed so I put a little stuffed elephant in his cradle with him. He went nuts! He gets this hilarious look in his eyes when he is focusing really hard on something. He sort of squints and goes cross eyed and bats at whatever he is playing with. I could watch him for hours.
His hair is getting longer so I can put a little bit of Vaseline in it and spike it into a mohawk. He looks adorable. It never stays up for very long though.
He is still wearing 0-3 month clothes with a couple of 3-6 month items thrown in here and there. We had to switch him to size 2 diapers which I was a little sad about. We have a bunch of size 1 diapers that will now be turned into a diaper cake or something.
He laughed for the first time on April 27 and rolled over for the first time from tummy to back on May 15.
I had a hard time getting him to smile for his 3 month pictures. He is really interested in the camera and whenever I take it out, he stops whatever he is doing and stares at it. When the camera is put away, he basically never stops smiling. He has the most handsome, crooked smile. He won't laugh regularly. I've only been able to get about 5 deep belly laughs out of him. He giggles at the most random things! The first time he really laughed, I was pretending to tickle him. Now he just laughs at me laughing. He kills me.
Now, it is time for Nolan Loves and Nolan Doesn't Like!
Nolan Loves:
- Clapping. I'll clap his hands together and say "Clap, clap, clap, clap!" If it doesn't get a belly laugh, it at least gets a major smile every single time.
- Toys. His favorites are his plastic keys and rattles. He loves anything with a ring he can grab onto.
- Family. He is starting to recognize faces other than ours. He is starting to greet his grandparents with some pretty big smiles.
- Eating. I am pretty sure it is another growth spurt, but he is up to 7 ounces a feeding.
- The Swaddle Game. I'd rather it not be a game, but he loves it. Whenever we try to swaddle him at night, he "walks out of it" and grins up at us. It might be time to retire the swaddle.
- Licking. I call him my little lint licker. He discovered his tongue and it was all downhill from there.
- Lotion. I hated it when I was little, too. No big deal.
- Sleeping In. Once 6:30 rolls around, he is up for the day!
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| This picture is so sweet that I am choosing to ignore that he's flipping of the camera. You should too. |
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A Deeper Level Of Love.
Today is Mother's Day. It is filled with so many more emotions than I expected. Last year, this day tore my heart out. I was a mother with no baby to hold. I remember driving home from work at 7:00 that morning, watching the sun rise over the mountains, and wishing time would stop. I didn't want the day to continue. I wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend like Mother's Day didn't exist. But it did...and I survived.
This year, I get to drive home from work and give my son a kiss before I crawl in bed. I get to smell his hair and hear his cry when he wakes me up 15 minutes into my slumber for his middle of the night meal. I get to soak in his smile when he realizes I'm home and that I can't wait to pick him up to cuddle. I get to enjoy that private moment that we share every morning around 3:15 as his daddy sleeps next to us, oblivious. I get to kiss his forehead a hundred times over as he stares into my eyes over his bottle. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe it.
I wish I could say my heart was full and healed this Mother's Day, but it is not. It is still broken. It is broken for a woman and her husband that I've never even met. They are in the middle of a hell that I can't imagine. I have followed this woman's blog for a while and I can't stop thinking about her or her sweet babes in heaven. I want to hug her and let her cry and listen to her talk about her babies for as long as she needs to, but I can't. However, there is something I can do to help.
I would like to encourage you to read her story in her own words (warning: it contains extremely heartbreaking material and pictures), but I will share this taken from her fundraising website:
Help the Rasmussen family continue their dream of having a family.
This year, I get to drive home from work and give my son a kiss before I crawl in bed. I get to smell his hair and hear his cry when he wakes me up 15 minutes into my slumber for his middle of the night meal. I get to soak in his smile when he realizes I'm home and that I can't wait to pick him up to cuddle. I get to enjoy that private moment that we share every morning around 3:15 as his daddy sleeps next to us, oblivious. I get to kiss his forehead a hundred times over as he stares into my eyes over his bottle. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe it.
I wish I could say my heart was full and healed this Mother's Day, but it is not. It is still broken. It is broken for a woman and her husband that I've never even met. They are in the middle of a hell that I can't imagine. I have followed this woman's blog for a while and I can't stop thinking about her or her sweet babes in heaven. I want to hug her and let her cry and listen to her talk about her babies for as long as she needs to, but I can't. However, there is something I can do to help.
I would like to encourage you to read her story in her own words (warning: it contains extremely heartbreaking material and pictures), but I will share this taken from her fundraising website:
Help the Rasmussen family continue their dream of having a family.
No parent should have to bury their child. Yet on April 24, 2012 Dereck and Becky Rasmussen lost their second baby in less than two years. This fundraiser has been set up to help them continue their dream of building a bigger family.
Dereck and Becky tried to get pregnant for over two years before seeing a positive pregnancy test in July 2010. Liam Maximilian Rasmussen lived to be 26 gestational weeks old. He underwent a very safe fetal surgery on January 3, 2011 in an attempt to repair a neural tube defect and lost his life due to cardiac arrest after the surgery.
The fetal surgery and C-section left Becky at a slightly higher risk for pregnancy complications in the future, but doctors were confident that, if properly monitored, she could still have a healthy baby. Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen developed without complication. Her scheduled C--section date was April 27, 2012. On April 22, Becky's uterus ruptured, putting both Evelynn and herself at risk. Despite quick acting doctors and a well staffed NICU, trauma from the uterine rupture left Evelynn without brain activity and she was taken off life support at just two days old.
The uterine rupture has left Becky and Dereck with very few options to grow their family, and medical expenses are already overwhelming. They're exploring options for surrogacy and adoption at this time, but both options will require more money.
Friends, family, and many who don't even know the Rasmussen's have asked what they can do for the family, as they grieve Evelynn's loss. Why not give financially to their dream of building a family, through adoption or surrogacy, in the future? This fund will go toward medical expenses to help them have the baby they've been trying for.
If anyone deserves to bring a baby home, it is Becky. How much more beautiful of a Mother's Day gift can one give? I wanted to pass on this opportunity to my friends and family. It isn't often that something like this comes along. How incredible would it be for her to come home tonight from choosing flowers for her little girl's burial and see a massive surge in funds bringing her that much closer to having a child to bring home? Please, help me. Pass this on. Share my link, share her link, share this story. Make this a Mother's Day she will be able to look back on and smile through her tears.
Happy Mother's Day to all of the beautiful mothers in this world.
Dereck and Becky tried to get pregnant for over two years before seeing a positive pregnancy test in July 2010. Liam Maximilian Rasmussen lived to be 26 gestational weeks old. He underwent a very safe fetal surgery on January 3, 2011 in an attempt to repair a neural tube defect and lost his life due to cardiac arrest after the surgery.
The fetal surgery and C-section left Becky at a slightly higher risk for pregnancy complications in the future, but doctors were confident that, if properly monitored, she could still have a healthy baby. Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen developed without complication. Her scheduled C--section date was April 27, 2012. On April 22, Becky's uterus ruptured, putting both Evelynn and herself at risk. Despite quick acting doctors and a well staffed NICU, trauma from the uterine rupture left Evelynn without brain activity and she was taken off life support at just two days old.
The uterine rupture has left Becky and Dereck with very few options to grow their family, and medical expenses are already overwhelming. They're exploring options for surrogacy and adoption at this time, but both options will require more money.
Friends, family, and many who don't even know the Rasmussen's have asked what they can do for the family, as they grieve Evelynn's loss. Why not give financially to their dream of building a family, through adoption or surrogacy, in the future? This fund will go toward medical expenses to help them have the baby they've been trying for.
If anyone deserves to bring a baby home, it is Becky. How much more beautiful of a Mother's Day gift can one give? I wanted to pass on this opportunity to my friends and family. It isn't often that something like this comes along. How incredible would it be for her to come home tonight from choosing flowers for her little girl's burial and see a massive surge in funds bringing her that much closer to having a child to bring home? Please, help me. Pass this on. Share my link, share her link, share this story. Make this a Mother's Day she will be able to look back on and smile through her tears.
Happy Mother's Day to all of the beautiful mothers in this world.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Work.
I came back to work on May 2. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I would rather give birth a thousand times over before going through that first night back again. I hadn't been gone from my boy for longer than an hour or two since he was created and all of a sudden I was leaving him for eleven. That is a long time.
I spent the evening of May 1 cuddling and loving on Nolan like I was never going to see him again. I sobbed through his entire bath thinking about how I wouldn't have the opportunity to bathe him again for five days. The absolute worst part was when I got him out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel. I wanted to spend some time rocking him in his room before putting him to bed so I decided I'd just keep him wrapped up and love on him before getting him dressed and ready for bed. We sat down in the chair with just the dim light from the hall coming into the room. Nolan peeked around his towel and gave me one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen. He was so happy to be snuggling instead of going straight to bed like he usually does after he bathes. Well...I lost it. I burst into tears. My poor little love's smile instantly turned to a pouty lip and he followed my cue. We sat there crying together for a few minutes. Then I decided he needed to get dressed and go to bed before I depressed him any more.
I spent most of that night hoping he would wake up to eat so I could hold him a little while longer. I couldn't wait to get up with him the next day so I could get in every second possible before leaving to work at 5:00 that evening. Every time he smiled at me, I cried. I felt like I was abandoning him. All I could think about was how he has always had me right there and all of a sudden I was just going to be gone. It wasn't like I could explain to him where I was going. I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care. I didn't want him to need me when I couldn't be there with him. With each smile I saw a baby in love with his mommy. A baby that had no idea that in a few short hours, his mommy was going to leave and she wouldn't be back until he woke up the next morning for breakfast.
I held myself together pretty well until my mom showed up to sit with him until Chris got home (we had less than an hour between our shifts that was not covered that night and our house is on my mom's way home from work so she offered to just come over.) I was sitting on the floor with Nolan and she offered to take him so I could finish getting ready for work. Sobs. I couldn't even get words out of my mouth. Finally I was able to say "I...don't...want...to...leave...him..." Ugh, I really shouldn't be typing this at work...
I got in the shower and piled on eyeliner in hopes that it would keep me from crying more because I wouldn't want it to run down my face. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. I couldn't even look at my baby. I literally had to sneak out the door without telling him goodbye or I would have lost it again. I walked out covering my eyes and saying to my mom "I can't look at him. I can't look at him. I love you. Bye." As soon as I got in my car, I blasted some angry rap music and rolled down my windows. I guess I have a strange way of coping but it worked. I was okay (sad, but okay) by the time I got to work.
The next morning when buddy boy and I got up for the day, he did not want me to put him down. He has never been an overly cuddly baby but that day he clung to me like nothing I've ever seen. I carried him in his Moby wrap for hours and he snuggled up to my chest and gripped onto my shirt like his little life depended on it. If I tried to lay him down for a nap, he screamed. I didn't mind one bit. I carried my little one on my chest the entire freaking day and I loved every second of it.
After my first day back, things got easier. Not easy. Easier. I'm trucking along and getting through it because I realize that being a mommy requires more of me than just loving my baby. It is my responsibility to provide for him and for right now, that means I have to work. I wish it didn't, but that is a sacrafice I am willing to make to be sure that Nolan has everything he needs. I will do anything for him. This includes leaving him with his loving daddy while I sit away from him for eleven hours a night. I miss him but I can do this. For him.
I spent the evening of May 1 cuddling and loving on Nolan like I was never going to see him again. I sobbed through his entire bath thinking about how I wouldn't have the opportunity to bathe him again for five days. The absolute worst part was when I got him out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel. I wanted to spend some time rocking him in his room before putting him to bed so I decided I'd just keep him wrapped up and love on him before getting him dressed and ready for bed. We sat down in the chair with just the dim light from the hall coming into the room. Nolan peeked around his towel and gave me one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen. He was so happy to be snuggling instead of going straight to bed like he usually does after he bathes. Well...I lost it. I burst into tears. My poor little love's smile instantly turned to a pouty lip and he followed my cue. We sat there crying together for a few minutes. Then I decided he needed to get dressed and go to bed before I depressed him any more.
I spent most of that night hoping he would wake up to eat so I could hold him a little while longer. I couldn't wait to get up with him the next day so I could get in every second possible before leaving to work at 5:00 that evening. Every time he smiled at me, I cried. I felt like I was abandoning him. All I could think about was how he has always had me right there and all of a sudden I was just going to be gone. It wasn't like I could explain to him where I was going. I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care. I didn't want him to need me when I couldn't be there with him. With each smile I saw a baby in love with his mommy. A baby that had no idea that in a few short hours, his mommy was going to leave and she wouldn't be back until he woke up the next morning for breakfast.
I held myself together pretty well until my mom showed up to sit with him until Chris got home (we had less than an hour between our shifts that was not covered that night and our house is on my mom's way home from work so she offered to just come over.) I was sitting on the floor with Nolan and she offered to take him so I could finish getting ready for work. Sobs. I couldn't even get words out of my mouth. Finally I was able to say "I...don't...want...to...leave...him..." Ugh, I really shouldn't be typing this at work...
I got in the shower and piled on eyeliner in hopes that it would keep me from crying more because I wouldn't want it to run down my face. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. I couldn't even look at my baby. I literally had to sneak out the door without telling him goodbye or I would have lost it again. I walked out covering my eyes and saying to my mom "I can't look at him. I can't look at him. I love you. Bye." As soon as I got in my car, I blasted some angry rap music and rolled down my windows. I guess I have a strange way of coping but it worked. I was okay (sad, but okay) by the time I got to work.
The next morning when buddy boy and I got up for the day, he did not want me to put him down. He has never been an overly cuddly baby but that day he clung to me like nothing I've ever seen. I carried him in his Moby wrap for hours and he snuggled up to my chest and gripped onto my shirt like his little life depended on it. If I tried to lay him down for a nap, he screamed. I didn't mind one bit. I carried my little one on my chest the entire freaking day and I loved every second of it.
After my first day back, things got easier. Not easy. Easier. I'm trucking along and getting through it because I realize that being a mommy requires more of me than just loving my baby. It is my responsibility to provide for him and for right now, that means I have to work. I wish it didn't, but that is a sacrafice I am willing to make to be sure that Nolan has everything he needs. I will do anything for him. This includes leaving him with his loving daddy while I sit away from him for eleven hours a night. I miss him but I can do this. For him.
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