Disturbed.

Warning: This post may be very disturbing to some of you. I'd advise those of you closest to Nolan (Mom-I'm directing this at you) to probably skip this post.

About an hour before I left to work tonight, I was overcome with the feeling that Nolan was going to die. Normally I'd be fine to let him play with Chris as I did my hair in makeup for the day, but I kept him wrapped on my chest the entire time. I couldn't put him down. Chris was headed to his parent's house for dinner as I left tor the evening and I kissed Nolan about thirty times before I could put him in his carseat. I left out the front door and the boys went out the back. I felt like throwing up the second I shut the door. I hurried up, got in my car, and sped around to the back of the house before Chris got Nolan in the car. I fought the urge to get out and kiss my baby again, but I wanted to...bad.

I've never felt this way before. I've had the normal new mom fears. I do my research and take the steps needed to be sure he is safe. I worry if he seems sick and I probably overthink a lot of what I do. I'm doing the best that I know how. He isn't sick right now. He is growing and healthy and strong...I have no specific reason to feel the way I did earlier.

Last night I had a dream that I was staying in a large bed and breakfast with my family. I left Nolan with the lady that owned the house as she was baking cookies. She was so sweet and loved him and I felt completely safe with her. I went upstairs to grab something and when I went back down to her, she handed me Nolan's burpcloth. It had been washed and ironed and was on a hanger. His blue sailboat binkie was hanging around the hook of the hanger. She didn't say anything to me.

All of a sudden, I heard Chris screaming my name. He was down another flight of stairs. I dropped the burp cloth and ran down the steps so fast that my feet barely even touched them. I already knew. He was holding Nolan...and he was blue. Chris had his face burried in Nolan's chest and was screaming. I fell to my knees and that's all that I remember. I woke up shortly after that with my hand on Nolan's chest (he's still sleeping next to our bed) and he was smiling up at me.

I have a hard time shaking dreams and feelings like those. I know in my heart that Nolan is safe. There is still that tiny part in the back of my mind that believes that since God works in such strange ways sometimes, maybe I'm being prepared for something horrible. I wish I could get that part of my mind to shut up. The part that says I'm having these feelings so that I stop and give him an extra kiss before I leave for work so that if something happens, that won't be one of my regrets.

I had Chris bring Nolan in to see me at work on his way home from his parent's house tonight. I held him and loved on him and kissed him before they went home. I felt physically sick as Chris drove away with him in the backseat. Right now, I'm going to credit my dream with my horrific feelings. Nolan is just fine. I just haven't felt this way before and felt like I needed to get it out. I'm sorry if this bothered any of my readers...I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I just love that boy so much. He is my world right now and I really think I would die if anything were to happen to him.