Perfection.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since we found out our baby was gone. I can't believe it has been a quarter of a year already. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by, but other times I feel like time is standing still. I realized that lately my posts have sort of drifted away from my baby. I guess that is part of the healing process, right? However, today my mind has been consumed with that little one and I just need to remember for a while.

Through my pregnancy, I had dreams about my baby. The one that stands out most in my mind was one I had 2 days before my last ultrasound (so the baby had already passed away inside of me, I just didn't know.) It started out in the delivery room and I was holding my new baby girl. I remember looking down at her and feeling so overwhelmed and overcome with this intense love. She was looking up at me and holding onto my finger and we just sat there in awe of each other. Nobody else was in the room. It was just us.

In my dream she had a name, but it was not the girl name Chris and I have planned. We have had a boy name and a girl name picked out for a while now and we are pretty set on them. The name she had in my dream was one I'd never heard on a person before, but it fit her so well. I even wrote a status update on Facebook the next morning about the beautiful name from my dream that I just couldn't shake. After we realized the baby had died, the name stuck. I don't know the connection between dreams and God and life beyond death...maybe I'm just holding onto a memory that I know I'll never experience, but either way it still warms me to my core to think that I held that little one, I stared into her eyes, and I named her.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to share her name on this blog. Part of me wanted to keep it for Chris and I, but part of me thinks it is too beautiful not to share.

Eden

When I first told the name to Chris, he was a little put off. He associated Eden with the fall of man and sin. I, however, have always associated Eden with perfection. Before sin swept in, the garden was God's masterpiece. That is how I think of our baby now. She was never born into this world so she truly was perfection. She went to Heaven as pure and as flawless as when God sent her here.

It is funny how things come together even when you don't think they have. I was nervous about knowing our baby's gender (although I was sure she was a girl) because I thought I would always associate the name we already had picked out with that baby who was no longer with us. That didn't happen, though. My baby was given the most beautiful and fitting name in my dreams and Chris and I still have the names we love for the children we will bring home one day.

I'm still missing her like crazy, but my Eden was returned to God as the masterpiece He intended and there is nothing more beautiful our peaceful to me than that thought.